funny jokes Blog by mandylu
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mandylu's blog: "funny jokes"

created on 07/24/2010  |  http://fubar.com/funny-jokes/b334624

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife

a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra

for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse

affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to
retreat to safety...WAY TOO

COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA

batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface

at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between

the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face

of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that

it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little

soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this

thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping

Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet

cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a

mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses

perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in

another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your

assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of

bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the

ground like
a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting

the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less

than 3/4" in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA

batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my

best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to

say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole

thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just

for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. .
.WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTIO. . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the

recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I

vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body

soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm

tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was

making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging

above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body

flopping all over the living room.

NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of

caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will

not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing

about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT

LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was irrelevant at that point), I

collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My

bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside

down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and

both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with

Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.


Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of

smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my

hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their

safe return!

P.S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift,

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and
fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep,
Ralph..'

Ralph was stunned.. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that
is as a chicken.'

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home..
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the
ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day
here?'

'Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like
I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an
egg before? '

'Never,' said Ralph.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon
laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head,
and heard his wife yell.....Ralph! Wake up. You sh!t the bed!'

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.



He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"



He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.



Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."


George said, "Okay."



He hung up the phone and counted to 30.



Then he phoned the police again.


"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.


Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.



One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"



George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"


(True Story) I LOVE IT!

Don't mess with old people

In african tribes When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. Over a period of time, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, 'How about if we try the African string-and-weight procedure?

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, 'How is our little "tribal experiment" coming along?'

'Well, it looks like we're about halfway there,' he replied.

'Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?'

'No, it's turning black though.'
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