Hiding from the scars of my own reality's blog: "Fuck ! ! !"

If Santa answered his mail honestly... Dear Santa I wood like a cool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer yer Frend, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do? Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you bus! y making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Miami , where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the cra ps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible or are you just a Blonde? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa < /DIV> Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky Mark, first, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa!

1.Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work. One point to BEER 2.Warm beer tastes awful. One point to VAGINA 3.A really cold beer is satisfying. One point to BEER 4.If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit. One point to VAGINA 5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances. I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being. 6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere. One point to VAGINA 7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend. One point to VAGINA 8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer. One point to VAGINA 9. You normally don't find old beer. One point to BEER 10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen God. One point to VAGINA 11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun. One point to VAGINA 12. In most countries there's a tax on beer. One point to VAGINA 13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off. One point to BEER 14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can. One point to BEER 15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles down. One point to BEER 16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner,ale,lager,etc One point to BEER 17. You always know how much beer is going to cost One point to BEER 18. Beer doesn't have a mother One point to BEER 19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you drink it One point to BEER 20. Tapping a Keg... easy. Tapping a Vagina... may take you weeks. One Point to BEER Final Score 11 BEER/ 8 VAGINA That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated against, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them, an extra point for BEER

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b)The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse. (c) After wrecking your boss's car. (d)When she is using her teeth. 3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies. 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. 6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice. 8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. 11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free. 12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. 13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. 16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy. 19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. 21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man While lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers! 22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting In line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 24:The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was. 25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. 27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story. 28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. 29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below: "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?" "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy...Tom Clancy "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." --Steve Martin "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." --Woody Allen "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." --Rodney Dangerfield "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." --Lynn Lavner "Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." --Matt Barry "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --George Burns "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." --George Burns "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." --Sharon Stone "My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading." --Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers) "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." --Jack Nicholson " Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor) "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." --Robert De Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" --Dustin Hoffman "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams

-- In Bakersfield, California, anyone having intercourse with Satan must use a condom. (An asbestos one we presume.) -- In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. -- In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse with a live fish. (Apparently it's OK for woman.) -- No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth. -- Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms. -- Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they're nude. -- In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds! -- The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts. -- An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer! -- A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts. -- In Romboch, Virginia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity with the lights on. -- In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male." -- It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate. -- A law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. (Ouch! These pasties hurt!) -- Anywhere in the U.S., it's illegal to use any live endangered species, excepting insects, in public or private sexual displays, shows or exhibits depicting cross-species sex. (Insectophiles apparently were successful in their lobbying efforts.) -- Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term. -- In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in. -- Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio - a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!" -- No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed. -- It is illegal for any member of the Nevada Legislature to conduct official business wearing a penis costume while the legislature is in session.

I AM THE FLAG OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA I am the flag of the United States of America. My name is Old Glory. I fly atop the world's tallest buildings. I stand watch in America's halls of justice. I fly majestically over institutions of learning. I stand guard with power in the world. Look up ... and see me. I stand for peace, honor, truth and justice. I stand for freedom. I am confident. I am arrogant. I am proud. When I am flown with my fellow banners, my head is a little higher, my colors a little bit truer. I bow to no one! I am recognized all over the world. I am worshipped - I am saluted. I am loved - I am revered. I am respected -- and I am feared. I have fought in every battle of every war for more then 200 years. I was flown at Valley Forge, Gettysburg, Shiloh and Appomattox. I was there at San Juan Hill, the trenches of France, in the Argonne Forest, Anzio, Rome and the beaches of Normandy, Guam. Okinawa, Korea and KheSan, Saigon, Vietnam know me, I was there. I led my troops, I was dirty, battleworn and tired, but my soldiers cheered me And I was proud. I have been burned, torn and trampled on the streets of countries I have helped set free. It does not hurt, for I am invincible. I have been soiled upon, burned, torn and trampled on the streets of my country. And when it's by those! whom I've served in battle - it hurts. But I shall overcome - for I am strong. I have slipped the bonds of Earth and stood watch over the uncharted frontiers of space from my vantage point on the moon. I have borne silent witness to all of America's finest hours. But my finest hours are yet to come. When I am torn into strips and used as bandages for my wounded comrades on the battlefield, When I am flown at half-mast to honor my soldier, Or when I lie in the trembling arms of a grieving parent at the grave of their fallen son or daughter, I am proud. MY NAME IS OLD GLORY LONG MAY I WAVE.

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa ; half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil. Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America; well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India; very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France; gently aging but still warm, and a desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain; with a glorious and all conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia; lost the war and haunted by past mistakes. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia; very wide, and borders are now unpatrolled. After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there. GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN Between 1 and 70, a man is like America - ruled by a dick

"I'm going fishing." Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." ________________________________________ "It's a guy thing." Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." ________________________________________ "I can't find it." Really means...."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." ________________________________________ "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. ________________________________________ "It would take too long to explain." Really means..."I have no idea how it works. ________________________________________ "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means..."I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra." ________________________________________ "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means..."I can't hear the football over the vacuum cleaner." ________________________________________ "That's interesting, dear." Really means... "Are you still talking?" ________________________________________ "It's a really good movie." Really means..."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women." ________________________________________ "That's women's work." Really means..."I'm difficult, dirty, and thankless." ________________________________________ "You know how bad my memory is." Really means...."I remember the theme song to 'MASH', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the number plate of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." ________________________________________ "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means...."I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." ________________________________________ "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means...."And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." ________________________________________ "What did I do this time?" Really means...."What did you catch me at?" ________________________________________ "You know I could never love anyone else." Really means...."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." ________________________________________ "You look terrific." Really means...."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving." ________________________________________ "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means...."No one will ever see us alive again." ________________________________________ "We share the housework." Really means...."I make the messes, she cleans them up."

A Guys Point Of View: We don't care if you talk to other guys. We don't care if you're friends with other guys. But when you're sitting next to us, and some random guy walks into the room and you jump up and tackle him, without even introducing us, yeah, it pisses us off. It doesn't help if you sit there and talk to him for ten minutes without even acknowledging the fact that we're still there. We don't care if a guy calls you, but at 2 in the morning we do get a little concerned. Nothing is that important at 2 a.m. that it can't wait till the morning. ____________________________________________________ Also, when we tell you you're pretty/ beautiful/ gorgeous/ cute/ stunning, we fucking mean it. Don't tell us we're wrong. We'll stop trying to convince you. The sexiest thing about a girl is confidence. ____________________________________________________ Yeah, you can quote me. Push us down on the couch and make a move once in a while. We like that aggressiveness about you and we like the unexpected. When we know you're really happy, it makes us happy too. ____________________________________________________ Don't be mad when we hold the door open. Take Advantage of the mood im in. LET US PAY FOR YOU! DON'T "FEEL BAD" We enjoy doing it (Paying for you). It's expected. Smile and say "thank you." ____________________________________________________ Kiss us when no one's watching. If you kiss us when you know nobody's looking we'll be more impressed. ____________________________________________________ You don't have to get dressed up for us. If we're going out with you in the first place, you don't have to feel the need to wear the shortest skirt you have or put on every kind of makeup you own. We like you for WHO you are and not WHAT you are. honestly, i think a girl looks more beautiful when she's just in her pj's. or my tshirt and boxers, not all dolled up ____________________________________________________ Don't take everything we say seriously. Sarcasm is a beautiful thing. See the beauty in it. Don't get angry easily. ____________________________________________________ Stop using magazines/media as your bible. Don't talk about how hott Brad Pitt or Jesse McCartny is in front of us. It's boring, and we don't care. You have girlfriends for that. ____________________________________________________ Whatever happened to the word "handsome"/"beautiful" I'd be stunned by a girl who greeted me with "Hey handsome!" instead of "Hey baby/ stud/ cutie/ sexy" or whatever else you can think of. on the other hand im not saying I wouldn't like it either ; ) ____________________________________________________ Girls, I cannot stress this enough: IF YOU AREN'T BEING TREATED RIGHT BY A GUY, DON'T WAIT FOR HIM TO CHANGE. DITCH HIS SORRY, DISGRACE-TO-THE-MALE-POPULATION SELF, AND FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT Someone who will honor your morals. Someone who will make you smile when you're at your lowest. Someone who will care for you even when you make mistakes. Someone who will love you, no matter how bad you make them feel. Someone who will stop what they're doing just to look you in the eyes....and say "i love you" ... ....AND ACTUALLY MEAN IT! Give the nice guys a chance!!!!!! let us finish in a place other than last

ON NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for lunch, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless. ON EATING OUT Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though the bill's only $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. ON MONEY A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. ON BATHROOMS The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, tooth paste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. ON ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. ON CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. ON THE FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. ON SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. ON MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. ON DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. ON NATURE Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. ON OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. AND FINALLY... Any married man will forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.