Hiding from the scars of my own reality's blog: "Fuck ! ! !"

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.Their life together was, of course, perfect.One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve,this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road,when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas,the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.Only one of them survived the accident. Question: Who was the survivor? Scroll down for the answer..... Answer: The perfect woman survived.She's the only one who really existed in the first place.Everyone knows there is no Santa Clausand there is no such thing as a perfect man. **** Women stop reading here, this is the end of the joke. **** Men keep scrolling. So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus,the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. Men Keep scrolling By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report: MOST HONORABLE SIR: YOU LEAVE HOUSE. I WATCH HOUSE. HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH. HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE, I FOLLOW. HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE. I LOOK IN WINDOW. HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE. HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE. HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE. I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OFF TREE. I NOT SEE. NO FEE, Chen Lee

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten"? So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did"? < BR> And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty"? And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back. That makes eighty, okay"? "Okay," said God, "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. Now go forth .

11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They were unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where: :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) :-( Well, how about some "ASSICONS?" Here goes: (_!_) a regular ass (__!__) a fat ass (!) a tight ass (_*_) a sore ass {_!_} a swishy ass (_o_) an ass that's been around (_x_) kiss my ass (_X_) leave my ass alone (_zzz_) a tired ass (_E=mc2_) a smart ass (_$_) Money coming out of his ass (_?_) Dumb Ass

Memo to self: Self call before you go home if it rains Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?"

Dear Mrs. Weaver, The past six months, your husband, Jack Weaver has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our Wal-Mart and Sam stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr..Weaver have been compiled and are listed below. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEMO: RE: Mr.. Jack Weaver- Complaints Things Mr.. Weaver has done while his spouse was shopping in our store: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away. 6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' 9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose. 10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are. 11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the"Mission Impossible" theme. 12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels. 13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!" 14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!" And; last, but not least! 15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: 1. You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! 2. There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends. 3. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but cannot go back down except to exit the building! A woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and loves kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a new Wives Store just across the street, also with six floors and the same rules. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

WHO IS JACK SCHITT??? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Read on and you'll be able to handle the situation intelligently. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc. Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple begat 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After 15 years of marriage, Jack & Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, and out of devotion to her children, decided to hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseperable thoughout childhood subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt. So, NOW if someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can beg to differ. You not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list!