How am I supposed to
Stop smokin when my body craves the poison on occasion
Forget what I was promised
Feel I'm beautiful
Feel appreciated
Feel loved
Feel respected
Feel not so slighted
Feel not so lonely
Believe anythin anyone tells me since they don't remember or care
Stop wantin to just not be alive any more
Stop drinkin till my liver fails
Stop tokin till I'm so numb I'm comatose till I wake the next day
I can't answer these questions and no one can answer them for me so how can I have peace. When she tells me she's fascinated by me and wants to know more bout me buy then suddenly vanishes witout a word? I just don't understand. One "friend" tells me I need to find happiness within myself. Well I know what made me happy but it doesn't anymore. I've walked so much by myself, my knees creak and my calves and shins hurt. Doesn't stop me from noticin the group of people walkin and laughin together. I go and bowl or at least try. Doesn't mean I don't notice the happy jokin groups of friends and dates and yearn for just one person to spend time wit. Not a whole gaggle. Just one person. That "friend" yells at me for bein upset she has no time for me unless she's exhausted all her plans. She always throws in my face. "Is everyone supposed to be available just for you?" *flinches as though slapped* No they don't but it'd be nice if one of those people I place in my closest circle had a lil time for me and didn't use bein in a relationship as an excuse. If these people thought of me as close friends, why can't they make time for me instead of always puttin sayin they can't cause of their bf/gf? Why when I point this out they make me seem selfish but when I'm askin over a week in advance to hang, why can't they tell me they can't hang at that time instead of 2 hours past our meet up date. Why did my closest female friend hold $110 of my money for 5 months, promise to give it back for 3 and then go away for 2 weeks and wonder why I was upset in the first place FUCKER, YOU HELD THE MONEY I TOLD YOU I NEEDED, PAID BACK EVERYONE ELSE BESIDE THE ONE YOU CALLED YOUR SISTER AND THEN WENT AWAY FOR 2 WEEKS TO CELBRATE YOUR BIRTHDAY. I mean am I wrong for bein upset when people treat me like shit? Is it so fuckin wrong to close myself off to keep from gettin hurt? One person asked me why I felt people abandoned me after they heard my voice or met me in person. (These people see me fascinated and intrigued by me until I become tangible) I said I just don't know and maybe she could tell meonce she followed suit.... she left and I'm still waitin the answer. Maybe I'm too jaded. Maybe I'm too depressed. Too self-absorbed. How can I be anythin else when I give of myself and my generosity everyday to help others and not one person can reassure me that I'm not half bad? I'm not talkin bout bein seen as cute or sexy. I'm talkin bout bein appreciated, cared for and wanted
