These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was
visiting Texas from New Jersey and fell into it
"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair
in Texas, and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off.
Apparently the original judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and I
happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true
taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all
that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they
saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid
pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
I'm getting shit-faced.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills;that 300
lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when
I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really
pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks!
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I
need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole
in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell
and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make
it. Poor Yank.
FRANK ------ (editor's note Judge #3 was unable To report)
