IAmSoNotAStoic's blog: "for holly"

Lyrics to "round Here" by the counting crowns, the lyrics in this song,are so painful and so beautiful, I WISH more musicans put themselves out there like this, it's so hard to just connect, and when you hear something that just hits u deep down , we remeber no matter how lonley we are we are never truly alone. this is the very essence of what drives me to write and express my self

Step out the front door like a ghost
Into the fog where no one notices
The contrast of white on white.
And in between the moon and you
The angels get a better view
Of the crumbling difference between wrong and right.
I walk in the air between the rain
Through myself and back again
Where? I don't know
Maria says she's dying
Through the door I hear her crying
Why? I don't know
Round here we always stand up straight
Round here something radiates
Maria came from Nashville with a suitcase in her hand
She said she'd like to meet a boy who looks like Elvis
And she walks along the edge of where the ocean meets the land
Just like she's walking on a wire in the circus
She parks her car outside of my house
Takes her clothes off
Says she's close to understanding Jesus
She knows she's more than just a little misunderstood
She has trouble acting normal when she's nervous
Round here we're carving out our names
Round here we all look the same
Round here we talk just like lions
But we sacrifice like lambs
Round here she's slipping through my hands
Sleeping children better run like the wind
out of the lightning dream
Mama's little baby better get herself in
out of the lightning
She says "it's only in my head"
She says "Shhhhh I know it's only in my head"
But the girl on the car in the parking lot
Says "Man you should try to take a shot
Can't you see my walls are crumbling?"
Then she looks up at the building
Says she's thinking of jumping
She says she's tired of life
She must be tired of something
Round here she's always on my mind
Round here hey man got lots of time
Round here we're never sent to bed early
and nobody makes us wait
Round here we stay up very, very, very, very late
I can't see nothing.. nothing round here
Will you catch if I'm falling
Will you catch me if I'm falling
Will you catch me cause I'm falling down on you
I said I'm under the gun around here
I'm innocent I'm under the gun around here
And I can't see nothing
Nothing round here

BRAND NEW LIKE ALWAYS MUCH REWRITING EDITING NEEDED

Broken
BLED OUT
NO MORE TEARS
scar tissue all thats left
residual callusing of 25 years
constantly searching exceptional ways
to fake it through just one more day
suffering is true solstice
no longer hungry for life
finding fullness from the cannabolism occuring from inside
scaveging all remnants of false hope left behind
and to those of you out there still trying to keep warm
tread carefully on thin ice its prone to shatter,
natural law tells us were meant to become cold and useless
it is preordained into the verry essence that is matter
alway be good to those  around with a smile on their face
you dont want to be the one to clean up all that mess
I prefer a glass half empty, a glass half full creates quite a splatter

LIKE ALWAYS HUGE WORK IN PROGRESS, alot of rewriting and editing to be done

MIrror me
Mirror me first thing i see
upon morning wake i stare at thee
flaws and imperfections appear rapidly
a torrid reflection of a 25 years past
the burning from rage neatly hidden under
a dimpled smile guarded by lock and key

mirror me you cant fool me
others see wit, charm, humor and beauty
I see a scared little boy desprately hiding
who fears to abide my adultly responsibilities
 life is still a game, i tell them all, close there eyes and count to three
i found the perfect spot, it's a dark damp place called complacency  ,
the happy people never go in there, and even if they do ill convince them
with all my clever guile ,  they have the wrong man,
after all im just a small child, another lost soul,
demand i recieve a pardon,
and fall back to my latent self-destructive tendincies,
they thought for sure  this time they caught me,
I was always the one in control

MIrror me at night i look once more
what in the mornig were  imperfection,s are now gross misconceptions
perhaps simply, plight of my own delerrium
despite many prayers left unanswered to discover my tabula rosa
this is my reality , there will be no redux,my past mistakes already written

SO with that each morning i recive the precious breath of life,
Im once faced again with mirror me, put on my biggest smile

go out and fake my day, just so i can fade once more into the night,

so i may die inside once more

OHdear god i crave that eery feeling,

mirror me i find u so appealing

dedicated to HOLLY, thanks for gettin me back to what i do best

WORK IN PROGRESS(arent they all)

BROKEN

Broken , a million pieces , never a whole
Broken glass always emptey never full
Broken dreams, broken promises, broken lives
shattered remains of what once seemed real
embracing pain, it lets me know im still alive
and  witha big dimpled smile i try to hide
of the dreadful secret ive been keeping inside
 that being to scared to die                                                                              
is the last thing that is  keeping
 a badly broken heart beating

Ashamed for the lies ive told
and the people i have let down
for being a burden to those that have tried to love me,
I Never met to hurt any of you,
Inever met to let u down
I miss that little boy that only knew how to love
mommy always  held him tight, warm sheltered protected from cold night
A little boy that always went to sleep t with the same dream
To grow up big and strong some day,
and with strong  buxom arms hold a wife and child of my own,
So i could Share with them the love i once knew
I just wish i wasnt so  broken,

would they both still love me

or would they to be badly broken

falling apart these seam wont hold
can never break out of this mold
of this dwinding shadow ive become
Wont you please, someone help me ?
I dont want to be broken any longer
 It's so cold in here
im going numb

CONFESSIONS OF A HUG DEALER

FROM TODAY TILL V_DAY IM GIVING OUT FREE HUGS TO ALL THE WOMEN OUT THERE. A WARNING THO!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM A HUG DEALER PLEASE REMEMBER THE FIRST HUG IS ALWAYS FREE CAUSE, It's JUST TO GET YOU HOOKED, THE next one is gonna cost ya cause i know im gonna keep ya coming back for more, IT is also believe that hugging may lead to even more addictive activities including,  but not limited to, kissing and cuddling. And ladies lets not forget i am TEDDY BEAR, who doesn't want to take a teddy bear to bed with them every night ;)

                WHY

You ask me why i Love you,
You ask me why i care,
You ask me why i wanna hold you,
and why i wann be your Big ol Teddy bear

I wish i had a single solidary

answer i could give you,

but only one can not be found

FOR while i think your
 beautiful,
amazing,
 truly wonderful,
there is just something else about you,
 beyond words,
beyond  logic and reason
A truly enigmatic feeling,
for atleast to me you bring out almost undescribeable emotions,
the kind that only when i love you safely in my arms, I whisper ever so softly,
those secrets only for us to share.

and as i lay here and ponder
why you love me,
why you want me,
why you trust me
why you chose me,
to be your one and only

For truth betold before i had you
my future held bleek at best
a life of desolation and solitude,
but along came you ,
an awe inspiring sunrise,
illuminating the path to a new horizon,,

finally laying the past of a once tattered soul to rest

and with that all questioning stops,
as it seems i have been bestowed a gift from the heavens,
a previously unheard prayer answered,
with you ive been given an angel,
and for what ever trials and tribulations we will be put throu
none of them even compare to this one resonating thought in my head
I want to be the one to
grow old with you,

FOR HOLLY heres to only looking forward, i love u

Brokenhearted
Alas I lay here Brokenhearted
A once planed flight never departed
Our wingspan spread to take the air
So I lay here and wonder why
We chose the turbulent ground
and not an ambient sky
Our trip was conjured with great intentions
It was only the details we did not mention
things like gravity don't matter in a dream
Then we faced a harsh  reality
not all wings are made for flight
It's easy to be blinded by the beauty of day
and deafened by the torturous silence of night
So now I lay here all alone
A once proud Phoneix, now feeble on my kness
only  shell of a former Stature I used to be
Why give a man wings If he was never met to fly
To let him taste what he thought sweet freedom
only a thin cream frosting on a cake of dirt
forged  by sadness
then baked with regret
Did you do this so I may learn
This world is not perfect
not like our dreams
so That if ever again We choose to fly
I will abide by the rules of land
and the laws of the sky
The next course we plot will end better
I will plan for now, the present that is
time is to precious to wait for forever
I know this future flight is not a guarantee
Which is why I lay here brokenhearted
Will You come back to me?
 by,
Evan

The fall  

Life is  a bottomless pit, you feel yourself falling getting  lower, slower, older, duller. atrophy and entropy closing in engulfing your  Very soul that once  was so vibrant and clear . Surpassing Fallen angels and the  decrepit  rising dead, u wonder can my life  get lower the this, you continue your  plunge. Life is pain they tell you,  only in being numb do we find our end.  You  crave this  pain, for to hurt is to feel, to feel is to live, to live is to love, so through this pain we continue to fall,
 Welcome my complacent friend to the human  endeavor, for the truth is we search out pain, ,the sickness, as it is sometime called,it is as a real and beautiful as the blood coursing through are veins. And  as the warmth and glow you are born into this world begin to fade, as u become colder, bolder, greener, meaner, u feel yourself getting closer to the numbness, the, beautiful quiet serenity that is death.
 A newborn baby cries, we give it love,  when that same  man dies, we cry for him, well not really for him, for us, as almost to laugh in deaths face. For the fallen don't cry, For in their celestial slumber, the pain is gone , OUR  bladed bloody tears are a Selfish act,  to take a stab at death,  to say "FUCK you im still here" death simply responds with a grim grin  as to respond"everyone meet their maker, Ill be seeing you soon"

So with that we continue our heavenly fall into the ground headed torward the sky. then if  but for just one moment our over-indulgent under-diluted sense of self which is so often  occupied by delusions  of grandeur, takes but a brief moment to contemplate these simple yet, oft overlooked  facts, who was I, Who am I, what have I done, was i moral, was i just, did I  love, was i loved, did I Live, and finally why is my body not leaving this tomb?, then in that final glorious  moment you get your face to face with the reaper and he   answer you u with that same grim grin  , as if to  say "it is too late, now you are already dead"