I admit it. My pre-adolescence consisted mainly of collating now virtually worthless sports cards and G.I. Joes. Played "war" with my vast army of little plastic men and women quite often. My childhood best friend and I often spent whole Saturdays at each other's houses, seeing which of our vehicles could out-duel each other in battle -- the Skystriker vs. the Rattler. The HISS tank vs. the Wolverine. Who was hotter? Lady Jane or Scarlett?
I wasn't too much into Garbage Pail Kids, Masters of the Universe, Thundercats or, yes, Transformers. I had a few: Optimus Prime, Rodimus Prime, Predaking, Scourge, among a few others. They made for a few memories, but nothing as long-lasting or comprehensive as G.I. Joe. Still, I held reverence for the cartoon series (not so much the animated movie). So again, think of many geek hearts that leapt for joy upon hearing of a big-screen, non-animated Transformers film. Only for those same hearts to sink, go into arrest and wither away upon hearing Michael Bay was going to produce and direct it.
Bay, who revels in endlessly cheesy montages, one-dimensional stock characters, blissfully inhumane action shots, soaringly sappy music, showcasing the latest military hardware and music-video eroticism. For Bay, it has always been big ideas executed with much style over substance. The Rock and the original Bad Boys, for all their being bombastic, weren't bad. Armageddon had its moments, but the most of it, Bad Boys 2, The Island and Pearl Harbor were exercises in what to avoid in grand cinematic escapes.
In spite of Steven Spielberg's relatively hushed presence as executive producer, it's Bay to the core in Transformers, which spends WAY too much time trying its darndest to build a credible human story. The promising parts? Shia LaBeauf is rising to the top. If we can't rip off, as someone said on Ain't It Cool - "an old school Matthew Brodrick character," no one can. To pair him with a love interest played by an outrageously hot FHM/Maxim babe like Megan Fox isn't cool on paper, but hey, it's Michael Bay. No surprise there.
Then there's the gaggle of other human characters that you're supposed to care about, but - like LaBeauf's in love with his first car teen - are tossed to the side recklessly and you end up not caring at all for them. Oh yeah, then there's freaking big robots. The Decepticons, of course, blowing up shit real good and doing other dastardly things that would make a hacker break out in a sweat - something about the search for the Cube/Allspark and for Megatron's frozen body - by hacking into the Pentagon's system. Hmm, funny, I kinda saw all that the previous week in Die Hard 4.0. There's even a malicious little robot that is all too terribly remindful of Johnny 5 from Short Circuit.
Other than Bumblebee's hidden disguise of a beat-up Camaro (fanboys have been ripping that decision, as he was originally a Beetle), the Autobots don't show up until halfway through the flick. Optimus Prime, with Peter Cullen's unmistakable voice of leadership and nobility, looks cool. But him and other Autobots tromping around in the kid's backyard -- trying to keep quiet and "invisible" -- seemed rather laborious and childish. Hmm, like the rest of the movie!
Ultimately, the climax resembles something like Die Hard 4, The Matrix Reloaded, Independence Day and Godzilla all in one fail swoop. People whooped and hollered in the audience as the long-awaited clash between Prime and Megatron finally unfolded. Things blew up. People got crushed. Cars got tossed into the air. Planes, bullets, missiles and helicopters flew with wild abandoned. Downtown Los Angeles gets screwed over big time.
It's a dizzying array of CGI and mindless stunts that are meant to get your blood pumping, but leaves you with a sense of awe. Not awe in awesome kick ass, but awesome as in wondering how far our society has fallen and why we leave even iconic material such as Transformers in the hands of a guy who merely cares about using it as a way to make millions of dollars. Entertaining for a couple of hours? But the movie, like my childhood memories of Transformers - sadly - won't last positively long in my mind. Damn you, Michael Bay. First WWII. Then Transformers. You wanna screw with My Little Pony or the next Dr. Seuss book to go to film, maybe Horton Hears a Who? Huh? What's it gonna be?
