Family
fam·i·ly [fam-uh-lee, fam-lee]
-noun-
Parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not.
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Ok, so im sitting here at home trying to figure some things out for myself. Im planning things with Tyler for our wedding. I asked him how our reception was going to go. Then we started talking about the diffrent dances we should do there. Guess what popped into my head??? The "father daughter dance," Yeah... Then it hit me. I dont get that. Sure i could have my step dad step in a dance when the time comes. But thats not what i have wanted since i got my first bridal barbie and started to plan my wedding. I want my dad there. The man who raised me for 18 fucking years! And i want my sisters there! Erika was going to be my flower girl. Rosemary i wanted to be a brides maid. I was so excited about it too! And now.... well... they wont even go. I cant believe my own father wont give me away. I know i made a mistake a year ago and i trust me ive had to deal with the concequences every fucking second since that im alive. I really dont see how its fair. Why cant they just forgive me and move on!? I mean seriously!? I am their daughter and sister! They have made some mistakes too and i never shuned them out of the family. Im still learning how life works and it really sucks that i still have to suffer for moving out over a year ago. I know people who have done ALOT worse then that and their mom and/or dad still loves them and welcomes them home with open arms. So i dont get it. I guess i never will either. But im not going to sit here and while they watch me beg and try over and over again to finally be accepted back into my own family. I cant continue to only get an hour or so of sleep everynight because i spend the rest of the time crying and praying that one day everything will be ok again. And that my family, my ENTIRE family will one day be whole again. I know people have been through worse. But that doesnt mean im not hurting. And i cant really hide the pain anymore. I used to be able to put a smile on my face and act like everythin was fine. I was able to ignore the pain and just go on with my life. Now its all catching up to me. I have to fight for a smile now. (as Zack says, "My smile box is broken. lol) Well.. i woke up this morning in kinda of a fuck it all type of mood. Not EVERYTHING. Just the things that are holding me back in life. The things that makes me think things that shouldnt be thought. The things that are starting to wear down on my relationship with Tyler. Its not right for me to keep doing this not only to myself, but to the ones who really do care about about me, the ones who may not be blood, but are still my family. Im not having a "pitty party" for myself. Im just coming to realize that its time to move on. And i just felt like venting. I know i have hurt alot of people and if you are one of them who is reading this then i want you to know that im sorry. And if you are one of the few who actually read this entire thing of my rambling and venting or whatever you chose to call it... That means you really care and are a great friend (or your just THAT bored. lol) Either way thanks...
My friends are my family and with out them i would be nothing!
If some how i hurt you by something i have said in here, sorry. This is truely how i feel though. I wasnt trying to attack anyone. And my all mean i still love my dad and family there. Im just sick of not doing anything i want to with my life because they might one day decide that they want me to be a part of their lives again. Ill always be waiting, but not on hold anymore...
