d j burlesque's blog: "family stuff"

Bad Smells Couple Comedy A handsome young man and a beautiful girl met and it was love at first sight. They immediately got married and went on their honeymoon. On their wedding night, the bride went into the bathroom to freshen up. Unfortunately, she had a case of bad breath so severe she had to take a powerful drug to control it. She was about to take the drug when she decided it would be best to let her husband in on her secret since they would be spending the rest of their lives together. So she returned to bed without taking the drug. Her husband then went into the bathroom to freshen up. He also had a problem with foot odor so offensive it required a special preparation to keep it under control. He was about to apply the preparation when he decided it would be better to let his wife know about his problem because she would find out about it sooner or later anyway. He skipped applying the preparation, returned to bed, grabbed his wife and gave her a big kiss. She said, "Honey, there's something I have to tell you." "OK," he said, "but I already know what it is ... you ate my socks."

Blood And Sperm Donation A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. Man: "What are you doing here today?" Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it." Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25." The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center. Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?" Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seemseven better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "Whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, inviteshim over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the Kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the fucking dishes!"

A man walks into the psychiatrist's office with a pancake on his head, fried eggs on each shoulder, and a strip of bacon over each ear. The shrink, humoring him, asks, "What seems to be the problem?" The guy answers, "Doc, I'm worried about my brother."