Nny Homicidal's blog: "Error 500 forbidden"

I take things like the Word family, very seriously. This site may just be a game, but i had a lot of family memebers on here, whom i had never spoken with. If i removed you from my "fam" i am sorry. It wasnt anything more than you and i havent spoken, either ever or in a long time. Please stop sending your "goons" to message me angry words, and downrate my profile. 

I'm uping my fu-game. i am working on making my very own theme, and i have some ideas for high art concepts for my 500+ pictures. One of my ideas is to use my "fam" option to keep close ties on people i have met on the fu, whom enjoy talking to me, and arent worried about what amount of money i can spend on them. Rate me a "1" all day long. That really doesnt bother me as much as having an inbox full of horrible words that i feel compelled to read. 

If you have found yourself still in my family. Welcome to the Kovan. 

And Another day is upon us FU. I hope that the lives that you good peoples are livin, are shaping up to better things. I am in a slightly better mood, but hell i dont think that matters much. its payday week, my first real paycheck in a while. I dont have much time for a full FUblog, just wanted to jot down some observations.

i worked in the service/retail industry for a decade plus, and even on my worst day, i was the nicest happiest face you saw in the joint, even when the stinking masses were abusive, angry, intolerant, and wrong. Mostly to keep whatever job it was i had to perform. Yet, these days i have noticed a trend. Retail clerks, baristas, McD's dudes and dudettes, all in piss poor moods, and treating customers like shit. Its not just me, i see them do it to those in the line in front of me. And we just suck it up, so we can get our day movin. We grab our purchases and blow it off.

Fuck that. From this moment on, I'm going to make a HUGE stink about it, everytime, everywhere i go. My life is shit, and i need someone to take it out on. I can live with a few spit in burgers, for the satisfaction of the horror on thier faces when i utter, "Get your Manager. I have a complaint" and then in front of them i ask for the number to thier district manager.

Muwah fucking HA HA HA HA HA

(note: at the end of the week, i will be making salutes for anyone one out there who comments on my blog)

How long have you been free

In this world of hate and greed?

Is it black or is it white?

Let's find another compromise

And our future's standing still

We're dancing in the spotlight

Where's the leader who leads me?

I'm still waiting! Leaving home...

And god is on your side

Dividing sparrows from the nightingales

Watching all the time

Dividing water from the burning fire...

inside

Leave a light on in the night for me

That I can find you

Remember when we both where youngAnd reckless and so curious

Now you're hiding from your childA new day's dawningRemember that you felt alive... sometimesAnd god is on your sideDividing cruelty from tendernessWatching all the timeDividing fiction from realityMove in circles, walk on linesNo human being in sightCalm the winds and calm the seasTry another kind of peaceWho fights this holy civil war?A million men in uniformWo ist der Führer der mich führt?Ich warte immer noch! Leaving home...And god is on your sideDividing presence from our1 historyWatching all the timeDividing deaf men from the listening onesLeave a light on in the night for meThat I can find youRemember when we both where youngAnd reckless and so curiousNow you're hiding from your childA new day's dawningRemember that you felt alive... sometimesAnd god is on your sideDividing cruelty from tendernessWatching all the timeDividing fiction from realityMove in circles, walk on linesNo human being in sightCalm the winds and calm the seasTry another kind of peaceWho fights this holy civil war?A million men in uniformWo ist der Führer der mich führt?Ich warte immer noch! Leaving home...And god is on your sideDividing presence from the historyWatching all the timeDividing deaf men from the listening onesLeave a light on in the night for meThat I can find youRemember when we both where youngAnd reckless and so curiousNow you're hiding from your childA new day's dawningRemember that you felt alive... sometimesAnd god is on your sideDividing soldiers from the fishermenWatching all the timeDividing warships from the ferryboats...Ferryboats

Today would have been 30 days free from the bottle.(notice the "would")

Well FU-land, i fucked it again. Crashed at a friends house last nite, and he left me there alone for a few hours with pretty much a full bar. You do the math. If my Goddess was testing me, i failed. I am so tired of having to lie, cheat and steal. I used to be a boi with ethics and honor. twisted, skewed, as they were. But since all the death and the past ten years of silent screaming, and whispered prayers, and the sea of bland faces, I have found myself digging myself deeper in a hole in my heart, that gets so much bigger all the time that I fear repair may just be out of the question.

And the people whom care the most for me, the ones who provide for me during these crazy past weeks so that i can get my feet under myself, and finally put this dark season of rage, wrath and tears to bed. These are the good, kind examples of true selfless Humanity, that i hurt, sadden and anger.I am starting to feel it is my destiny to be the crazy smelly bum who mutters to himself about how the aliens have taken over his brain, while pissing himself on the bus. I dont think anyone can fix me.

I'm not sure if i want to be fixed.

I think i am starting to understand why the first AA'ers never told anyone what they were doing. especially now, if anyone knows that i went to, go to (albeit sometimes) to AA, the minute i drink, they feel hurt. If i was just some uncontrolled drunky, mostly they would just avoid drinking with me. And i envy so much people like my BFF nutkins, he has absolute control all the time. I dont think he has made an impulsive choice in his life. AA teaches us, that it isnt willpower that keeps us sober, but i would have to say that it does come into it. especially for a sad little pagan boi, with satanic leanings, who suffers from 3 morbid mental patterns, and who has been running around the dc area not knowing where he is gonna sleep tonight.

no more dreams for me to fulfill. no more mountains to climb. I'm starting to think the abyss is the best i can hope for. So fuck it.

☠☠Into the Maelstrom!!! ☠☠