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Today would have been 30 days free from the bottle.(notice the "would")

 

Well FU-land, i fucked it again. Crashed at a friends house last nite, and he left me there alone for a few hours with pretty much a full bar. You do the math. If my Goddess was testing me, i failed. I am so tired of having to lie, cheat and steal. I used to be a boi with ethics and honor. twisted, skewed, as they were. But since all the death and the past ten years of silent screaming, and whispered prayers, and the sea of bland faces, I have found myself digging myself deeper in a hole in my heart, that gets so much bigger all the time that I fear repair may just be out of the question.

And the people whom care the most for me, the ones who provide for me during these crazy past weeks so that i can get my feet under myself, and finally put this dark season of rage, wrath and tears to bed. These are the good, kind examples of true selfless Humanity, that i hurt, sadden and anger.I am starting to feel it is my destiny to be the crazy smelly bum who mutters to himself about how the aliens have taken over his brain, while pissing himself on the bus. I dont think anyone can fix me.

I'm not sure if i want to be fixed.

 

I think i am starting to understand why the first AA'ers never told anyone what they were doing. especially now, if anyone knows that i went to, go to (albeit sometimes) to AA, the minute i drink, they feel hurt. If i was just some uncontrolled drunky, mostly they would just avoid drinking with me. And i envy so much people like my BFF nutkins, he has absolute control all the time. I dont think he has made an impulsive choice in his life. AA teaches us, that it isnt willpower that keeps us sober, but i would have to say that it does come into it. especially for a sad little pagan boi, with satanic leanings, who suffers from 3 morbid mental patterns, and who has been running around the dc area not knowing where he is gonna sleep tonight.

no more dreams for me to fulfill. no more mountains to climb. I'm starting to think the abyss is the best i can hope for. So fuck it.

☠☠Into the Maelstrom!!! ☠☠

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