HERE THEN IS A POEM CONCERNING THE LUNACY OF OUR LANGUAGE. PLEASE BEAR WITH ME FOR AN "ENGLISH LESSON"
WE'LL START WITH BOX, THE PLURAL IS BOXES
BUT THE PLURAL OF OX IS OXEN, NOT OXES.
NOW ONE FOWL IS GOOSE AND TWO ARE CALLED GEESE
YET THE PLURAL OF MOOSE SHOULD NEVER BE MEESE.
YOU MAY FIND A LONE MOUSE OR A WHOLE LOT OF MICE
BUT YOU CAN NEVER FIND MOUSES IN A ROW OF OLD HICE.
IF THE PLURAL OF MAN IS ALWAYS CALLED MEN
THEN WHY CANT THE PLURAL OF PAN BE CALLED PEN??
THE COW IN THE PLURAL CAN BE COWS, KINE OR CATTLE
BUT THE PLURAL OF VOW IS JUST VOWS, NO VINE AND NO VATTLE.
I SPEAK OF A FOOT, YOU SHOW ME YOUR FEET
AND I GIVE YOU A BOOT... WOULD A PAIR BE CALLED BEET??
IF ONE IS A TOOTH AND A WHOLE SET ARE TEETH
WHY SHOULDN'T THE PLURAL OF BOOTH BE CALLED BEETH??
IF THE SINGULAR IS THIS AND PLURAL IS THESE
THEN WOULD MORE THAN ONE KISS BE NICKNAMED KESE??
NOW ONE MAY BE THAT AND THREE MAY BE THOSE
BUT THE PLURAL OF HAT WOULD NEVER BE HOSE.
WE SPEAK OF A BROTHER AND ALSO OF BRETHEREN
BUT THOUGH WE SAY MOTHER, WE NEVER SAY METHEREN.
THE MASCULINE PRONOUNS ARE HE, HIS AND HIM
BUT IMAGINE THE FEMININE SHE, SHIS AND SHIM??
SO OUR ENGLISH, I THINK YOU ALL WILL AGREE
IS THE TRICKIEST LANGUAGE YOU EVER DID SEE.
NOW, I TAKE IT, DEAR FRIENDS, YOU ALREADY KNOW
OF TOUGH AND BOUGH AND COUGH AND DOUGH.
AND OTHERS MAY STUMBLE, OH NO, BUT NOT YOU
ON HICCOUGH AND THOROUGH AND SLOUGH AND THROUGH !!!
WELL DONE !!! AND NOW YOU WISH, PERHAPS
TO LEARN OF SOME LESS FAMILIAR TRAPS.
BEWARE OF HEARD, A DREADFUL WORD
THAT LOOKS LIKE A BEARD AND SOUNDS LIKE A BIRD.
THEN THERE'S DEAD, SAID LIKE BED, NOT BEAD
AND FOR GOODNESS SAKE, NEVER SAID DEED!
ALSO WATCH OUT FOR MEAT, GREAT AND THREAT
BECAUSE THESE WORDS RHYME WITH SUITE, STRAIGHT AND DEBT.
MOTH IS NOT MOTH, WHEN APPEARING IN MOTHER
NOR BOTH AS IN BOTHER OR BROTH AS IN BROTHER.
HERE IS NOT A MATCH FOR THERE
NOR DEAR AND FEAR FOR BEAR AND PEAR.
THEN THERE IS DOSE, ROSE AND LOSE
JUST LOOK THEM UP... WITH GOOSE AND CHOOSE.
AND CORK AND WORK AND CARD AND WARD
AND FONT AND FRONT AND WORD AND SWORD.
AND DO AND GO, OH YES, THWART AND CART
COME COME, DEAR FRIENDS, I'VE HARDLY MADE START.
A DREADFUL LANGUAGE? WHY MAN ALIVE
I'D LEARNED TO SPEAK IT BY THE TIME I WAS FIVE.
AND YET TO WRITE IT
THE MORE THAT I FUSS
I STILL HAVEN'T LEARNED IT
AT AGE FIFTY-PLUS
