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Ah the Lunacy

LET'S FACE IT ......... ENGLISH IS A CRAZY LANGUAGE. THERE IS NO "EGG" IN "EGGPLANT", NOR "HAM" IN "HAMBURGER"; NEITHER "APPLE" NOR "PINE" IN "PINEAPPLE". ENGLISH MUFFINS WEREN'T INVENTED IN ENGLAND, NOR FRENCH FRIES IN FRANCE. SWEETMEATS ARE CANDIES WHILE SWEETBREADS, WHICH AREN'T SWEET, ARE MEAT.

WE TAKE ENGLISH FOR GRANTED. BUT IF WE EXPLORE ITS PARADOXES, WE FIND THAT "QUICK"SAND WORKS SLOWLY, BOXING "RINGS" ARE SQUARE, AND A GUINEA PIG IS NEITHER FROM GUINEA, NOR IS IT A PIG. AND WHY IS IT THAT WRITERS WRITE BUT FINGERS DON'T FING, GROCERS DON'T GROCE AND HAMMERS DON'T HAM? IF THE PLURAL OF TOOTH IS TEETH, WHY ISN'T THE PLURAL OF BOOTH, BEETH? ONE GOOSE, 2 GEESE. SO ONE MOOSE, 2 MEESE? ONE INDEX, 2 INDICES?

DOESN'T IT SEEM CRAZY THAT YOU CAN MAKE AMENDS, BUT NOT ONE AMEND? OR THAT YOU CAN COMB THROUGH THE ANNALS OF HISTORY, BUT NOT A SINGLE ANNAL? IF YOU HAVE A BUNCH OF ODDS AND ENDS AND GET RID OF ALL BUT ONE OF THEM, WHAT DO YOU CALL IT? IF TEACHERS TAUGHT, WHY DIDN'T PREACHERS PRAUGHT? IF A VEGETARIAN EATS VEGETABLES, WHAT DOES A HUMANITARIAN EAT? IF YOU WROTE A LETTER, PERHAPS YOU ALSO BOTE YOUR TONGUE?

SOMETIMES I THINK ALL ENGLISH SPEAKERS SHOULD BE COMMITTED TO AN ASYLUM FOR THE VERBALLY INSANE. IN WHAT OTHER LANGUAGE DO PEOPLE RECITE AT A PLAY AND PLAY AT A RECITAL? OR, SHIP BY TRUCK YET SEND CARGO BY SHIP. HAVE NOSES THAT RUN AND FEET THAT SMELL? PARK ON DRIVEWAYS AND DRIVE ON PARKWAYS? HOW CAN SLIM CHANCE AND FAT CHANCE BE THE SAME, WHILE A WISE MAN AND A WISE GUY ARE OPPOSITES? HOW CAN OVERLOOK AND OVERSEE BE OPPOSITES, WHILE QUITE A LOT AND QUITE A FEW ARE ALIKE? HOW CAN THE WEATHER BE HOT AS HELL ONE DAY AND COLD AS HELL ON ANOTHER? WHY DO WE PUT SUITS IN A GARMENT BAG AND PUT GARMENTS IN A SUITCASE?

HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT WE TALK ABOUT CERTAIN THINGS ONLY WHEN THEY ARE ABSENT? HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A HORSEFUL CARRIAGE (AS OPPOSED TO A HORSELESS ONE), OR A STRAPFUL GOWN (AS OPPOSED TO A STRAPLESS ONE)? HAVE YOU EVER MET A SUNG HERO (UNSUNG) OR EXPERIENCED REQUITED (UNREQUITED) LOVE? HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SOMEONE WHO WAS COMBOBULATED, GRUNTLED, RULY OR PECCABLE? AND WHERE ARE ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO ARE SPRING CHICKENS OR WHO WOULD ACTUALLY HURT A FLY?

YOU HAVE TO MARVEL AT THE UNIQUE LUNACY OF A LANGUAGE IN WHICH YOUR HOUSE CAN BURN UP AS IT BURNS DOWN; IN WHICH YOU FILL OUT A FORM BY FILLING IT IN AND IN WHICH AN ALARM CLOCK GOES OFF BY GOING ON. ENGLISH WAS INVENTED BY PEOPLE, NOT COMPUTERS, AND IT REFLECTS THE CREATIVITY OF THE HUMAN RACE (WHICH, OF COURSE, ISN'T A RACE AT ALL). THAT IS WHY, WHEN THE STARS ARE OUT, THEY ARE VISIBLE, BUT WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE OUT, THEY ARE INVISIBLE. AND WHY, WHEN I WIND UP MY WATCH, I START IT, BUT WHEN I WIND UP THIS ESSAY, I END IT
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