I realize I was in a dark place when I wrote this blog entry back then. I have come a long way since then. I just wanted to share this and reflect a bit for myself as to where I was at that time and where I am now.
Here it is.
There are good things and bad things about being a Dreamer.
Dreamers have really great dreams and when they are made into reality they affect the world in a positive way.
They take the idea that was in that dream and use it to drive themselves to go further in life.
It takes a dreamer to make amazing works of art, write amazing books and it even takes a dreamer to become a musician or a dancer.
The downside to being a dreamer is you live in a fantasyworld quite a bit.
Sometimes when you are like me you have a hard time distinguishing the two and what was a reality you think is a dream and what is a dream is your reality so to speak.
It leads to a destructive path at times because you tend to think what was in your head is actually happening but it was just a dream.
So many nights I have slept and had vivid dreams where everything was so real that I have woke up in tears but with a bit of relief that it was just in my sleep.
Perhaps this is why I love to sleep so much because in my dreams I have control over what happens in that life and in reality I have control over nothing.
I especially have no control over my emotions or my heart.
Being a dreamer has helped me but it has hindered me especially when it comes to romance.
I have my dreams of this perfect romance but I keep forgetting it is just a dream. Nothing in life is perfect....Nothing.
So I am going back to sleep to where my dreams are perfect and I have the perfect romance ...it is too bad I have to wake up and come back into my perfect HELL known as my self destructive life.
Today my dreaming ass ruined yet another attempt at someone trying to be there for me by listening to my fantasyworld and my stupid damn emotions and my especially stupid heart. After everything had been said and done and I realized what I had just done I saw that it was something I cannot fix. You see reality is unfixable, unlike a dream where you can erase and make something else happen.
So many times I thought this over and over and not once did I ever think I would allow it to get to where it did but it happened.
I am sorry and I have begged and pleaded and begged more to be forgiven. I know this person won't ...hell I wouldn't either. So I got what I deserved. I am a worthless piece of shit for doing what I did today. I have to accept the consequences for my actions and words.
Sometimes it comes to that point where you just do. That is the real world.
Good Night.
