Well, Dennis kicked me out last night... among the fighting and other drama bullshit... and he is saying he's cutting off my cell phone... SO that should be interesting. I am gonna make an attempt to get a phone of my own, and a place of my own this week.... Things have just gotten so bad around there... of course, it's always my fault, because i want nothing to do with him and refuse to have sex with him, SOOOO i am the bad person.... big shock there...
I just can't deal with the bullshit anymore... I am supposed to just forget the 5 years of bullshit he has put me through. I am not by any means saying i was an angel.... but man, before him, i was at least happy... i giggled all the time, and laughed, and smiled... and, was, happy. Now, I am miserable... Unhappy... I rarely smile... Everyday I get yelled at for something else, sure, I suck at cleaning... i HATE cleaning... i clean SOOOO much more than I used to, it's not even funny... I have grown up a lot... I keep shit fairly tidy. I don't let mold grow, i vacuum, i mop, i sweep... man i COOK all the damned time... even if i clean like crazy and dinner ready when he came home, he still found some reason to bitch at me... if i wanted to go hang out w/ my friends, hell no, it was a war.... i missed out on so much w/ my brother and tiffany because of dennis... we always had to hang out with HIS friends... and my friends want nothing to do with him... he threatened to stab tiffany with a screw driver... over some silly comment she made... seriously... not even lying... it's like come on dude,stop being fucking CRAZY and maybe people would like you....
I know I'm not perfect... i fuck up a lot... he brings out the worst in me... man when i have had enough bitching, i get mean, i get evil... and i act stupid... it's how i deal with stress... i try to blog and journal and talk to my friends, but he bitches at me about all of that... I am always the evil one.... always... even when i try to just walk away, i'm evil for that... then he doesn't even see what he does, and doesn't care what he;s doing to me... it's this vicious cyce... day in and day out...
I have become a mean sad hateful person... i used to be so happy... and i used to smile all the time, and laugh, and, I was, happy... life was good... i married him, and my life has become this prison, i can't escape... I am stuck dealing with him for 16.5 more years... and i have one person to help me through it... tiff... she's like, my light. if it weren't for her, i'm sure i would be dead by now... there are days i wake up wondering why the hell i have to go through this... what have i done so wrong in my life, that i don't deserve to be happy? I want love, i want romance, i want, someone to share my life with, my happy times, my sad times, my ups my downs, everything. And I want someone to accept me for me.... flaws and all, and still love me... and be nice to me... and not yell at me for not vacuuming, and not yell at me for not putting the clothes up... and not yell at me for leaving th cabinets open, or a light on, or a plate out, or leaving my towel in the bedroom, or waiting 2 weeks to do my laundry, or wanting lights on, or spending 5 hours chatting with my friends on a weekend, since i never talk to them during the week, or wanting to hang out for a day or two with them... i just don't want bitched at... all the fucking time... i am so sick of it... i'm sad... i'm so sick of crying, i'm so sick of hurting... i'm so sick of waking up wondering what i'll have to put up with today... i'm sick of all the stupid bullshit i deal with on a daily basis...
so, if i have to just suffer for a little while, while i figure out what the hell is going on, and get things straightened out, so be it.... what doesn't kill me makes me stronger... that got left on my blog... i never thought about it that way... but I'll learn from this. I will take something from this, and from now on, I won't ever put myself in the situation to have to endure what i have... the next time around, i won't make the same mistakes... i wont' hop into bed w/ a guy i hardly know, and marry him 4 months later.... I'm beyond that. I deserve better. I deserve to be treated like a human being with feelings... because I have feelings, and they're easily hurt. I put on this great facade, like, i don't care what people say or do... to me.... but i do... I hurt... badly... i cry... a lot, when i'm slone mainly... i have lost all sense of myself...
This is a good thing... a new start on my likfe, and a new chance to be me... and to live the life i want to live... and a chance to maybe, eventually, find someone who will love me, treat me like a human being, someone i can love back... and be happy with...
who knows... it's 8 in the morning, i have to be to work at 3, i'm tired... i'm going to sleep...
