I was recently asked "Why didn't you just leave"?....Its very hard to just pick up and leave..Took a long time..found a chance and now,I'm a survivor
The question every survivor of domestic violence has been asked, and the question that is most hated. And it's usually asked by people who have never experienced domestic violence, otherwise, they would know the answer.
In a domestic violence/abusive relationship situation, it's never as easy as just saying "I don't like what you are doing to me, see you later, I am gone". When the abuse is at the point where the victim "should" be walking, it's way too late.So................why?
People who abuse (be that physically, emotionally, sexually, mentally, verbally, it's all the same), do it for control and power. They dominate and manipulate until the victim is powerless and cannot see a way out. I am NOT saying that there isn't a way out, just that it is made harder to SEE a way out.
Control can take so many forms, but the most common ways are:
Belittling - "You are worthless, you are stupid, nobody would ever want you, you are ugly, you are lucky you have me to put up with you". Continued belittling diminishes the victims self esteem to a point where the victim starts believing everything they are told. It's brainwashing at it's best. Even strong people, continually devalued lose their self worth. It doesn't always take it's form verbally either. Imagine a partner "took over" every aspect of your life!! Down to the simplest of things, like doing all the household chores. Left with nothing at all to do, a victim becomes "nothing", unimportant to anybody or anything, no role in life. Becoming "nothing" is soul destroying and takes away all purpose.
Distancing - Placing distance between family and friends. Making a point of "seeing" slights made, innocent comments made by family or friends are twisted to seem as insults. For example: "Notice how your family or friends never ask you over anymore?"; "YOUR friends don't like ME and make ME feel unwelcome"; "YOUR family deliberately leave us out of everything"; "They don't really love you, only I love you". A victim feels the ONLY person who truly loves them is their abuser. The only person left they can rely on.
Dependence - This is not only in the form of money but making sure the victim has no means of support ensures the victim becomes "dependent" and "reliant" on their abuser. Subtle ways of removing independence are rife. "You can't drive the car today, I noticed something is wrong with it. I don't want you having an accident"; "Don't touch the money in the account, WE need that for bills"; "Don't worry about the food shopping, I will take care of it, you look tired". Showing concern is a clever way of making it appear as though they truly do care, whilst "keeping" their victim exactly where they want them at the same time. Away from everything and everyone.
Threat - "You can't leave, I'll come after you, find you, and hurt you"; "I will hurt you/the kids/the pets if you try and leave";
And the worst piece of emotional blackmail ever;
"I will kill myself if you leave".
Threats are aimed at instilling fear and guilt into the victim. Fear itself is more than enough of a factor to stop ANYONE from leaving no matter how bad the situation. Fear for ones own safety, fear for the safety of others, fear for the safety especially of loved ones. That fear overrides the fear of what may or will happen if they stay.
Manipulation - Abusers are particularly adept in the art of manipulation. In fact their skill at it surpasses that of a two year old child. They use words artfully to make the victim the "bad" one, and instill a sense of wrong-doing within the victim. A sense of blame that lays squarely on the victims shoulders. "YOU made me do it"; "YOU made me angry"; "YOU know I don't like that"; "YOU know what that makes me do". The victim spends so much time then questioning themselves and their own actions, believing they must be terrible, awful, ugly, hopeless, weak people to MAKE their abuser treat them the way they do. "If I didn't do this, then maybe he would love me more"; "Perhaps I should have done something different". Ultimately the victim is left with "I deserve what happens to me".
Guilt - Love, or what is perceived to be love, is the biggest, most powerful factor of all. You go into a relationship, you believe yourself to be "in love" and that "love" is not something you want to let go of so easily. "If you loved me, you wouldn't leave" Guilt is placed on the victim, not only by their abuser, but by family and friends as well. "You married this person, you shouldn't give up so easily on the marriage. You should fight harder for it to work"
Add all these factors together, see how they blend? How they become one and the same?
Their ultimate aim is to destroy the self esteem, independence, worthiness and willpower of a victim so that the abuser has complete control.
A victim, being usually isolated from everything is convinced, right or wrong, that it is IMPOSSIBLE to leave. Their support network is minimal or non-existent; their means of supporting themselves, and their children is seemingly gone or simply doesn't exist at all; they are afraid for themselves and their children; nobody will help them because they are weak, ugly, worthless creatures; they feel that it is their "duty" to stay; and they "love" their abuser, regardless of what is happening.
I am NOT saying victims are weak! They ARE weakened!
It takes enormous strength to risk your own life and that of your children, day after day, to stay and survive. It takes even more strength to get out. Unfortunately many victims are "weakened" to a point where they simply cannot get out, and some never do.
Before you ask the question "Why didn't you just leave?", think carefully. It's all very well to sit there and say "I wouldn't have allowed that to happen to me", but in truth, it can, and does, happen to anyone.
The abuser is a master of manipulation and control and can fool even the smartest, most aware person. If you are asking that question, you are most probably asking someone who DID leave, and questioning their past choices is re-victimising them. They have fought, long and hard, for themselves and are not victims anymore. They are SURVIVORS
