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I'm not sure if i want to do this again. I meet someone tonight. He's nice. looks are not that important to me never were, NASCAR fan (that's plus - - negative he's like Jeff Gordon :yuck)
He knows I'm not ready to start dating again, and he knows that I'm handling alot right now.
He's very up front and we discuss that he's afraid that I'm using him. I never have nor will I ever use a guy for money, sex, or revenge. (I've been used like that n know how it feels).
We discussed a little of our past relationships n he sensed that I'm very scared at this time.
He assured me he not a user, he's not for just for the sex, and he was very honest about right now how he's looking for someone for possible long-term relationship, but for right now he'll be friends with n hang out n talk.
As I was sitting there, all I kept thinking was "What the hell am I doing? You are so not ready for this!"
Now don't get me wrong! He great but I have done alot of thinking about myself and i've taken a look as to how far I've come since I was that 20 year old mom with a newborn n newlywed one day, next day I'm a 20 year old single mom with a newborn n now my husband goes n runs off with another woman.
I must admit i've come a long way since then. I did as I was told by my husband, to being on my own, then I meet my ex-fiance n I went doing as i was told with no questions to starting to stand up for myself n realize I could do so much more,but I still could talk openly about anything, to back on my own with no way to support myself, no car, no license to someone having the means to support herself n kid.
As I sat with my new friend talking, I started talking about things that I had wished to forget. The verbal abuse and mental abuse I suffered through with my ex husband and ex fiance to my ex fiance physical abuse and threats of killing me with his guns.
As we talked, I would go so far n stop with the details. where before I couldn't even start. I've made references to the incidents to other people but i never actual spoke of the details and how these events turned me into who I am today.
I'm not sure if i can be completely open with him, and talk openly about all subjects.
I'm not sure if i want to do this again at all. I've already admitted that there is someone I've hurt badly, and my friend listened to me about it. he didn't judge me either. I sat there and cried as i told him everything. And all he could say was "I know you didn't intentionally mean to hurt the guy. I could tell that is bothering more than you letting on it is."
As soon as he said that, I just cried more n refuse to talk anymore.
