Ccplata RerateRateFanAddFriendBling n Bo...'s blog: "whatever"

I'm going to throw the damn thing if this keeps up!

I'm not sure if i want to do this again.  I meet someone tonight.  He's nice. looks are not that important to me never were, NASCAR fan (that's plus - - negative he's like Jeff Gordon :yuck)

He knows I'm not ready to start dating again, and he knows that I'm handling alot right now.

He's very up front and we discuss that he's afraid that I'm using him.  I never have nor will I ever use a guy for money, sex, or revenge.  (I've been used like that n know how it feels).

We discussed a little of our past relationships n he sensed that I'm very scared at this time.

He assured me he not a user, he's not for just for the sex, and he was very honest about right now how he's looking for someone for possible long-term relationship, but for right now he'll be friends with n hang out n talk.

As I was sitting there, all I kept thinking was "What the hell am I doing? You are so not ready for this!"

Now don't get me wrong!  He great but I have done alot of thinking about myself and i've taken a look as to how far I've come since I was that 20 year old mom with a newborn n newlywed one day, next day I'm a 20 year old single mom with a newborn n now my husband goes n runs off with another woman.

I must admit i've come a long way since then.  I did as I was told by my husband, to being on my own, then I meet my ex-fiance n I went doing as i was told with no questions to starting to stand up for myself n realize I could do so much more,but I still could talk openly about anything, to back on my own with no way to support myself, no car, no license to someone  having the means to support herself n kid.

As I sat with my new friend talking, I started talking about things that I had wished to forget.  The verbal abuse and mental abuse I suffered through with my ex husband and ex fiance to my ex fiance physical abuse and threats of killing me with his guns.

As we talked, I would go so far n stop with the details. where before I couldn't even start.  I've made references to the incidents to other people but i never actual spoke of the details and how these events turned me into who I am today.

I'm not sure if i can be completely open with him, and talk openly about all subjects.

I'm not sure if i want to do this again at all.  I've already admitted that there is someone I've hurt badly, and my friend listened to me about it. he didn't judge me either.  I sat there and cried as i told him everything.  And all he could say was "I know you didn't intentionally mean to hurt the guy.  I could tell that is bothering more than you letting on it is."

As soon as he said that, I just cried more n refuse to talk anymore.

I knew this would happen!   I threw caution to the wind n performed an act on this guy that is not my favorite but for him i'd pretty much kill someone if he asked to.

I wanted to do it, so I have no regrets there.  He's not the kind of guy that wants one thing, etc.  so he says.

 I understand he's dealing with a psycho ex girlfriend n the mother of his child is being a royal pain. (if i had a dollar for everytime my daughter's father started royal shit w/ me, I'd be rich as sin!)

Any who, now the guy has my cell and house numbers, yet he hasn't called since.  And before the act we talked everynite here on fubar, since I performed this act, he doesn't talk me or even call or txt me.

I feel so used n pissed off it's not even funny.  I mean hell if he didn't like it atleast be a gentleman and tell me, or hell be fuckin' man and tell me "hey not interested found someone else"

don't know what to think about this truely.  I've been approached by other guys on this site that want to take me to dinner or a movie, but I really like this guy n tryin' like hell to give him the benefit of the doubt here.  Maybe he doesn't realize thats how it looks from my point of view.

I have no clue what to do . . . I'm totally dumbfounded by this!

Ok my daughter wanted to go to this Firemen's Parade we had in town, I figured ok so she likes the trucks, the colors, mascots, whatever.

NOT!

The whole time we are watching the parade she keeps asking, "So Mom, would ever consider dating a fireman again?"  I'm like what!!!!! Where the heck did this come from!

I'm seeing someone, atleast I hope the dude is still into me. . .but anywho, and I look at her and "Where is this coming from?"

Her responds, "I want to find you someone who will take care you, treat you awesome, and take you out on dates. . . cuz Mom you starting to embarrass me."

At first, I started to laugh so hard cuz of her last comment. It's probably true, though.  There is only so much you take of mom being around ya 24/7, n I think she likes being home by herself without me.

Then I thought about the rest of what she said, and I just sat there not knowing what to say or do. 

I mean I know I'm not prefect and I'm going to fuck up a bit here or there, but now she wants to find me a man.  A 13 year old!

Makes me wonder what I'm doing so wrong that she thinks she could find a fireman to hook me up with.

Oh, and as of right now. . . I've had my fill of dating/seing fireman.  The last one really screwed me up, n i'm just realizing that now.

(Just hope I didn't fuck it up with the dude I'm currently seeing!  I like to see where it could go with him)

I wonder if there is and where he is.

If he's out there he's either hiding really good or he's not there at all.

Maybe i'm just kidding myself. . . I'm not good enough!  I said it!  I'm not good enough!

I got my car!!!!!    I so want to tell my ex-fiance. . . .Fuck you asshole!

I did it, when you said I couldn't!

I can't wait!!!!!!!   Got the call today at work!  I'm going after work to get the car.  (I may just run to the car lot tomorrow!  lol)

OMFG!  I can't believe it!   The last piece of puzzle to proofing to myself that I can do it, without my ex is a matter of hours away.

This feels so weird, though, I've wanted this for so long.  I'm not sure what or how to act.

My daughter is all excited, too.  I wish she was there to help celebrate with me getting the car, but that will be when I get home with the car.

Something is not feeling right.  I feel something is missing from this. . . I'm finally going to able to stand on my own two feet, not have to rely on anyone to get me places, but this celebration is incomplete somehow.

Wish i could do something about this but I'm not sure what to do.

L8r!

Unfortunately, I didn't sleep well last nite. 

I dreamt I was with my man, and everything was going great. . . Then all of sudden my ex appears out of nowhere n shoots my man and shoots me in front of my daughter.

I woke up so fast,  It took me twenty minutes to realize it was dream and another to figure out where I was.

I tried to go back to sleep, but it didn't work.

I'm scared that my ex just might do this too, on one hand.  On more than one occasion, he has told me he would kill whomever I'm with. 

On the other hand, the jerk is so lazy that he refuses to his crap out of my house, and I seriously doubt the asshole would do it.

But it still scared the crap out of me!

I'm going back to just playing games on the internet!

I totally fucked up something good becuz appently the person didn't get my meaning from my typing!

I meant the comment one way, they took another way. . . I'm going to have a cry now.

l8r

although I should be glad I woke up when I did.  Ty car alarm!  My day is still crap!