The divisions I refer to in my mind are what I consider to be the many masks that cover my face which is not there. I think of myself as thousand masks with true face underneath it, just an empty hollow set of masks looking for at least someone in this world to connect to, maybe as some kind of proof that somewhere in this world there are people who will like me for me.
Father figures are something I never really have had in my life, there was once a man I thought of as my father but the truth of the matter was he did not even care about me in the slightest, and I lied to myself just for the slightest feeling of acceptance from somebody. He lied to me and even made me feel like a background character in the story of my own life. Everything that revolves around my destruction of my mind and the emptiness that feels almost as if will consume me revolves around me having been lied to and treated as nothing by the man who was supposed to be my father, my stepfather who used me and everyone else just as way for him to appear in good standing and have a family.
The truth of the matter is, while I was a bright and creative child I was also shy, and he used that to crush my dreams never giving me the chance to live my own life or be my own person. I was forced to try to live up to his ideal, and to try to be just like him, and everything I tried to do was for his approval which I never really gained.
I think what he wanted was an athletic and political person to go into law like him, but in all reality I wanted to be a scientist. My dreams were put on hold as he made me play golf and go to the pool and socialize with the people who were important to him. I think this is where my escapism became more rampant and I began to wish that I was special, however as my step father constantly reminded me I wasn't special at all, I was nothing.
There are times I hate recalling the times I cried myself to sleep just because I felt like I let him down with something I should not have been good with. He wanted me to be something I could never be, and because of that I was a failure. My creativity was crushed for his ambitions. I think that will do for now, for alas I need some sleep.
