Friday, May 25, 2007
Defining Moments~Life Lessons
Current mood: happy
Category: Life
There are few moments in a persons life when as your in them you sit there thinking as your in the midst of them, wow! I'll never forget this moment in my life. A moment that changes you. Changes who you are as a person. One of those life lessons that get thrown at you when you least expect it. Well i had one of those moments this past wednesday night and i had to share it with you. To help you understand this moment i feel like i should tell you a bit more about me, most of my close friends know that i was married for 10 years. Which started out wonderful as all marriages do, until alcohol took my love, my best friend from me and our family. It destroyed all of us. And don't misunderstand me, he is still here... living if thats what you want to call it. It turned the man i loved into a monster. Someone who both mentally and physically abused me and our family on a daily basis. And i know what your thinking, then why stay 10 years? 10 years with this man, this monster? Like everyone does i thought i could change him, all i kept thinking was i remember him, he's not really like this, he's a sweet man, a good man. And he loves me and our family. I know he does. I know the man he can be, he used to be. And i kept thinking about the vows i took with this man, for better or worse, so i stayed. Each day that went by my self esteem and self worth becoming less and less. Taking away my very essence, my soul. One day he was abusive to me and my son(then 5) saw him hiting his mother. And as i stood there, looking at my baby boys face finally decided.... no more. My son will not walk around thinking this is ok. So i left and soon after divorced him. Since then life has been hard but even on my worst day, its still better than my best day there with him and his drinking. Anyway, back to wednesday night, i went out with fran like we do once a week or every other week just to have fun and get out of the house.I love going out with fran, shes an amazing friend. Everything i'm not, thin goregous, outgoing. But at times when i go out with her i feel invisible, nothing that is her fault. I feel like the fat ugly girl with the beautiful best friend who gets all the attention. A result of the years of hell i had been through, being told i was nothing. We had went to eat at friday's earlier that night and one of the waiter's liked her and told her if she didnt mind that he would come there after work and see her. He came and brought a friend and they hit it off, really seem to like each other. So i do as i always do and make myself disappear. Didn't want them thinking i was intruding on them getting to know each other. and in my mind i was also thinking i dont want his friend thinking great! I get stuck talking with the fat ugly girl while my buddy talks to a beautiful woman. So i went outside and called a friend. she texted me once and asked me to come in but still, i felt like i would be intruding. So i stayed until the place closed and they came outside to say their goodbyes. She got in the car and he said bye patrice and i made some comment about how i'm shocked he remembered my name. Which was all it took for her to ask why i sat in the car all night. Why didn't you come in she said? I didn't want to intrude on your getting to know each other i said. But your my best friend patrice, i wanted you there, and i kept talking about my best friend and he asked where you were and i was just like i guess shes on the phone. And as i sat there watching her raising her voice at me being upset i swear i couldn't figure out why. I thought i was doing a good thing by giving her time alone to get to know him. And i made the comment that, seriously no one cares if i'm there or not anyway fran, i'm the fat girl no one notices. Your the one they want, your the thin beautiful one. And for a moment there was silence and she started crying, she looked up at me and said why do you say things like that about yourself? It hurts me when you do. You are my best friend, and you are beautiful(to which i mumbled something about your my best friend, you have to say that) If you want the truth patrice, you are more beautiful than me, but you think because i am thin that i am beautiful, and just because your a bigger girl that your not. Stop! Stop thinking this way! You have so many people who think you are goregous and they tell you that every day, and you have to stop thinking that because your beauty comes in a bigger package than mine that its any less beautiful. My mind racing and tears in my eyes by then i knew every word she spoke was the truth. I am beautiful! I am good enough! I am just different than her.
But beautiful still.....
~Patrice~
