Dear Daddy,
Today I paused at 3:54pm. I sat on the very top of a hill at the park here in Kalamazoo. The highest peak I could find. It was exactly at that moment 2 months ago, at 3:54pm that you took your last breath. I watched as you struggled for air after the ventilator was removed. I hated to see you suffer. It was so painful. I know how sick you were Daddy.
I listened to your cries on the phone and to the doctors. I sat at the hospital with you around the clock as much as I could. I always wanted to be there for you. I hated the fact that I couldn't be closer these last few years so I could help you at home. I never wanted you to struggle the way you did.
You were such a great man Daddy. You helped so many people in your lifetime. Your last days should have been spent with ALL the people you cared about and loved. You deserved so much better than we all gave you. You were one of God's servants on this earth.
This is such a painful process Daddy. How do I live without you? I talked to you several times a day. Who am I going to sit beside at the table at holiday gatherings? You were the one that always loved me no matter what. You were the only one that has truly understood me and my ways because I'm just like you. I may look like Mom but I am SO you on the inside from my heart to my brains.
Gawd this hurts Daddy! I know you are where you deserve to be. I know you are heaven. I am completely confident in that fact. You were a saint on earth. I will never understand how you put up with everything you put up with during your lifetime without cussing at least once! You held true to your core values and your beliefs.
You had strength in you like no other. I never understood your willpower especially in those last months. The last years of your life the doctors all said this was IT so many times and yet you bounced back. I know you grew tired and weary. I know you were tired of fighting.
Daddy I have so many questions. I don't know who to ask now. I don't know who will listen to me because only you understood my questions. We were on the same level intellectually. I can't talk to just anyone about these probing questions about life. Daddy only you would listen. We could talk for hours about the bible and religion and never argue. I rarely ever argued with you because you and I shared so much of the same values and beliefs.
I know that you are sitting there with God right now and you are asking God all the questions you always asked me that I had no answers for. I'm so jealous of that Daddy! How come you get to get the answers before I do? Daddy will you send me the answers? Do you now know the plan that God has for my life now that you are up there with him? You always said that God had something special planned for me. Were you right about that? What is it? I'm so scared that I will never live up to your expectations and that I'm not that special person.
I don't know how to live without you standing behind me. You were truly the wind beneath my wings Daddy. Do you remember when I first sang you that song? I told you that I always felt that way about you. It was only through you that I have been able to accomplish so much in my life. I don't know how to go on now. You believed in me! The wind has been let out of my sail, the wind beneath my wings is gone and I feel like I can no longer fly.
Please tell me Daddy that you are up there watching over me and will still be that wind for me. I need that wind. I can't live without it. I am struggling. I keep going over all the things you always said to me in my mind. I know you live in my heart. You always told me that. But now that you are gone my heart is broken. I don't know how you can live in a broken heart. I hear your voice in my head. I need you Daddy. You were the inspiration in my life.
Daddy, can you hear me? I sure hope you are listening because I need you to know how lost I am. I'm trying so hard to help Mom like you told me too and I'm trying so hard to be strong for her like you were. Things haven't quite gone as we thought they would. I'm trying so hard to make sure she's okay Daddy. I know I promised you that I would. You made me make that promise. I'm trying so hard to fulfill it but it hasn't been easy.
Daddy can help me out down here? I'm trying to keep Mom together financially but I don't have all the answers. I wish I would have written more stuff down that you told me. I've searched my brain for all the answers and I honestly can't remember anything else you've said. Daddy?? Are you hearing this? I need help. I've made phone calls. I'm trying to solve all these problems and I need your input. Daddy? Can you hear me? Daddy why did you trust me with this?
Alright Daddy, well I needed to talk to you about so many things tonight and you weren't here. I couldn't pick up the phone and discuss them with you. Do you know EVERYTHING going on in my life right now? Besides your death, can you see all the other chaos? I'm overwhelmed down here. I need you to discuss this stuff with. I feel like such a failure in so many areas in my life right now Daddy and you aren't around to tell me otherwise.
You know Father's Day is Sunday Daddy. I can't take you up flying because you aren't with me. I thought about going by myself just so I could be in the sky and closer to you. I need to be closer to you Daddy. You were my best friend. You were my everything. Should I go flying Daddy? Please answer me yes or no. Daddy? What do you think?
Daddy, I've lost myself. I don't know what to do without you. You created me. You made me in your image. You had all these dreams for me and now you are gone. I don't know how to live for myself. I've always lived for you. I've always tried to be your good little girl. I always wanted to please you. Now what? I don't know what to do now! Daddy? Who do I live for now? Who's going to be proud of me now? Daddy? No one else cares what I do or how I live my life but you always did. I'm so lost Daddy!
Daddy? Where are you? Can you hear me? I need answers Daddy! I need help down here! I'm sending you an SOS to heaven! Does God allow you to accept SOS's? Does God know I'm in pain? Daddy can you feel my heart? Can you feel it's hurting? Can you see my tears? Daddy? Daddy I miss you! Daddy I need you! Daddy, did you hear that? Daddy? Ugh. Life isn't fair.
