As most of you know, I have spent my summer at the cottage. As a result, there have been many visitors up here this year. Through sometimes painful, and, most often, funny experience, I have come up with a set of cottage rules. I hope you enjoy.
Rules for Cottage Guests
1. After arriving at the cottage , unpacking, and grabbing a beer out of the fridge, it is not considered cool to look blankly at your host and say "Oh, did you want me to bring something?"
2. When you are fishing off of the dock, please be aware of your surroundings, and the people and animals near you. It doesn't count as "The Big One" when you have actually snagged the host's dog. Vet bill for removing the fishing hook from the dog's back $100.00
3. When canoeing, please be advised that not everyone thinks it is fun to tip the canoe and have them understand what a "near-death" experience actually feels like.
4. If after drinking 5 frozen margaritas, and downing 4 Ta-keel-ya shots, you are unable to manouver the single step into the cottage to use the bathroom, your alternative is NOT to fall flat on your ass, taking out an entire row of solar lighting and then peeing in the garden. It is funny tho. Cost to replace pissed on,broken lighting $75.00
5. Skinny dipping is an acceptable cottage activity. Running around naked, whooping and hollering while yanking down women's bathing suits, however, is NOT !
6. Please be advised that cottage walls are thin. Therefore, if at 3 AM you scream " F**k me baby, make me your man-whore" expect to be teased about it the following day. This may be a good time for both parties involved to claim a drunken black-out. Won't make the teasing stop tho.
7. It is not considered good manners to take the host's t-bone steaks that they had been defrosting for dinner and try to make friends with that "adorable" Mama bear and her cubs you saw down the road on the drive in.
8. After dinner, "helping with the dishes" does not mean putting them all in a laundry basket and tossing them into the lake. Doesn't matter if it WAS the shallow part.
9. It really isn't considered funny when your host faints because you filled her fruit drawer in the fridge with worms,crayfish, half-grown tadpoles and other assorted things. Saying " I was just trying to keep the bait fresh" won't make matters any better.
10. You should not attempt to take your host's bed as your own. Shouting " SHOTGUN" won't work either.
11. Twister after a bean dinner is a bad bad bad idea.
12. Just because the host has sateltte TV doesn't mean it's "free porn for everyone's viewing pleasure"..... sheeeeeesh
13. If you are drunk enough to think that you can actually jump over the bonfire, the resulting burns on your ass, hospital bills and ridicule from fellow guests are your problem, not the host's responsibilty.
14. When you wander off on a hike in search of a moose, please do not come screaming back to the host's cottage with the bull moose trailing you because he likes you. What do we want with a bull moose in heat? Lose the moose before you come back to the cottage please.
15. Jumping on the picnic table with your pants around your ankles, and challenging everyone to join you in a peeing contest to see who can pee the farthest may work if everyone else is drunk.HOWEVER, if YOU are the only one drunk, it will result in pictures of that being blown up to poster size and distributed to family, friends and co-workers. Don't be surprised if it becomes a Christmas card as well.
16. Only your mother thinks you look good in a speedo. Really. Yup. REALLY
17. Crawling into your host's bed in the middle of the night, waking her up, farting loudly and asking" So whatcha say, wanna do it?" will not get you an invitation to return for another visit.
18. It is not your host's problem if you cannot manage your hangover. Throwing up on the kitchen table after breakfast is placed before you is totally unacceptable!!
19. It is your responsibility to ensure you have not left any stains from bodily fluids on the guest room floor. Please strip the bed before you leave. They just don't want to see the skidmarks, you know??
20. Kissing the host goodbye DOES NOT involve your hand OR your tongue.Capish??????????
21. Finally, make sure to thank your host for the wonderful time you have spent there. If you have broken anything, please, at least offer to replace or repair it. Failure to do so may result in evidence being presented to your wife or girlfriend of how GOOD a time you actually had.
