Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Contemplating Life
Current mood: blah
Category: Life
As I sit & wonder what it is that I am searching for, my mind is spinning in multiple directions.
Contemplating life and soul searching, only to go nowhere. Still a lost soul.
Not wanting to get close, in fear of hurting. Not of my hurting,but of the hurting of others, which I seem to do so well at. Though maybe it's because I have wounds that have never healed from being hurt, myself. Emotional scars. Wounds that cut deep into the soul and have made me cold & numb. The distrust in others, that people have seen in my eyes. The pain that has made me the "Bitch" that I am. Afraid of repeating the past. Which I have done quite well, before. To truly find the reason for the pattern to change. The reason to truly be happy.
Continually, building the walls around me, to keep out what can hurt me and what I can hurt back. The walls that will take patience and trust to dissolve and breakdown. The ones that are put up, not to keep others out, but to see, who cares enough, to break them down.
To be alone is not so bad, there are times when it sucks. But to know if I am truly ready to share myself with anyone is another battle. I believe that I shall need to remain cautious & exclusive to noone until I determine when I am truly ready to share my world and my heart.
