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So often people think they are inlove. But is it really love ? Or a do you love how you are being treated ? Is it a high of the new? Seriously you all need to figure out what it is before you decide you are in love.  Let me tell you about real love. Its where you actually care about someone enough to make them feel like they matter in every aspect . Not when it is when you think you feel like it . You would want to communicate even tho they may be having a bad day , you would try to cheer them up when they are sad.  If it were only lust thats when you dont care about none of those things you only go after what you want not worring about if the person of interest is sad or mad. To often I have had people tell me they like me and knowing it isnt real. Or to have them walk away when I needed them the most. I will admit it hurts because I have a huge heart . The net is filled with liears and cowards . And I am not blind to them . Though people think I am . Just because I don't always point it out don't mean I don't know the difference of what is real and what isn't . I never thought I deserve to be treated better than I have I never used to think so but a really good friend has been beating it in to my head . So before I take on another romance a guy will go through a trial of things with me.  Think of it as like an interview . And I wont hold back I will tell you what I think and how I feel , my suggestion is to be a man about it if i reject you . I am just tired of being hurt . And I am sorry if it isnt there for me I wont accept that romance neither, no point dragging out something that will lead to heartache or hatred.  And you need to learn the difference between lust and love for me. Do you want good things for me ? Are you proud of me ? Or do you just want things for your personal sexual pleasures ? And is it because you like how I treat you ? This my good friends is the differnce between love and lust . 

 I can't sit here and share my story without first understanding and learning it myself , and other things related to my story.  In hopes to reach out and try to help others !

Depression is not something to be ashamed of . But often times it makes us feel that way.        Depression attacks our very souls. It makes us question why we are here in this world . Fighting a unseen dark demon in our minds . Some people seem to think it is a simple sad and should be easily to get over . To those people, you need to realize it's way more than just a simple sad . Be cause there is no control over the a million dark bad thoughts you think about yourself in your mind . It's like living a reacurring nightmere .                                  I said I wouldn't let it beat me this year . After dealing with it for so long . But the truth is, that it still comes like a plaque anyway . But , I have a little girl to think of, and for so many things .  so I have to pull my self together . So that she don't see that I am dealling with something she wouldn't understand. But I do have her to thank for being here still breathing . I fear with out her . I wouldn't be here . There was times in my life that I wanted to give up . To self afflict pain, just so that I can feel something other than the emptiness I was feeling at the time .                                                                                         There is beauty beyond the darkness , It is hard to see and to get to that light in your mind . But well worth it if you can .                                                                                                 Depression can make you impulsive, I know ! I had done things not necessarly good . Things that I thought would make me happy reguardless of what it may cost . The happy wouldn't last long afterwards . And than I was left feeling more empty and more loss than I was before . Hating myself !  However I learned about forgivenes and forgivness is a interesting thing and can be wonderful . See , you need to forgive in order to move on . The most important thing is to forgive your self and believe me it is harder than forgiving someone that has done you wrong . And it is okay to forgive someone that did you wrong as long as you know the forgivness is't for them its for you . We all need that self clarity to move forward .                                                                                                              My problem is I don't talk about my problems much . Instead ! I push people away and I hide or run . But I am tired of running and I am tired of hiding . And yet I still fear getting too close to people . I am not trying to seek attention. nor do I want someone to feel sorry for me . I just want people to read this and know they aren't alone . Even though in a room full of people we feel like it .                                                                                              I had people tell me " I am here if you need me or need to talk " I would thank them kindly , but I wouldn't even close to trying to talk to anyone about whats in my head. I didn't want to burden them on my thoughts , because quite honestly I didn't know what I was going through, I didn't understand it myself and half the times there be no reason why I was depressed, so how can I talk with a blank mind ?                                                            I will say this , depression for me probably started in my early teens . but I thought nothing of it , I thought it was normal , because I was told teens go through all these different phases . So I just go about my day like nothing was bothering me . However there was a dark sinister time of aweful things that happened to me to sent me on this road of growing up . But I hid that stuff and pushed it down . I really didn't want to use that time of my life as an excuse on why I was feeling different . However I kow now that it was the source of the depression that has lasted me for so many years , And I had counseling . Once when I was a kid and I wasn't much in to listening to anything she had to say . And once again when I was in my late teens and this time I did listen but I didn't like the question " how did that make you feel ? "  or sit and tell me things I had already told her , didn't seem like much help so I stop going . And once more last year where I ended up in the phych ward for a weekend . Now that one help some . But I still dealt with a lot more stuff in my mind that I realized I had to fix for myself . That took some more months later . almost a year and I still get moments, but I have been able to fight it a little better . It's sad to say but some of this healing took me losing a friend to death to open my eyes to the beauty of life . And I started to reevaluate my life . And made me want to change the way I seen my depression . But before I would ignore it and tell people I was fine, when reality I was not . I didn't want to face the fact I was sick or had a problem . I used a lot of forced smiles and humor as a cover . For a long time last year no one knew I was lost in my darkness .                                                                                                    I know how hard it is to reach out , when you think you will be judged or have someone tell you " it will get better " knowing deep down things don't hardly get better . We just get better at faking a smile or hiding the things in out mind . Just to make someone else smile and be happy .                                                                                                                       We loose so many people to this sickness . And just because they choose they couldn't be of this world any more, does not make them weak . They just didn't have the help they needed or support and sadly the love . They got so far in thier darkness they couldn't see the light , they were lost . And it is very hard to come back from that point, I know Ii almost got lost myself a few times . Walking around in a zombie state of mind .                                  There is no easy way to deal with depression . Each person is on a diffrent level and acts in different ways . I think we are the most needy and I think need more attention . However I not the one to really show I need those things . But I say to help someone you love , just show compassion , support , love and above all don't treat us like we are crazy . The support of family and friends mean so mauch and can help more than you realize . And most healing has to come from us, this is true . Depends on how much we are willing to fight . That being said I had learned so much in this life . On how much I have missed out because I couldn't get out of my darkness long enough to get out of my P.j's or even on my own daughter turn her away on so many things because I was in my dark place , and I would feel like crap afterwards . I seen how it effected other people around me, my family and friends , I have pushed friends away because of the terrible thoughts I had . And I can't say I am sorry enough .                                                                                         Truth is I don't even know if my story will be read , or if it will help in any way to any one at all .   But I have hope , and thats all I can have .    I know I need to stand tall and stay strong  and proud not just for my self but for everyone around me .  But it isn't easy to do . I end up feeling guilty and punish myself or beat myself up. So please share your smile, be kind, you never know what someone is going through . Please pass this story on, and try to reach out.                                                                         

BeautifulKids of than and now !!!

When we were young, we never really had to wory about carseats.  We rode in the back of pick up trucks. We drank water out of the garden hose. We didn't have much but our imagineation and friends, so we stayed outside mostly all day and came in when the street lights came on.  Our parents weren't afraid of spanking our butts when we were out of line. We ate what ever was made for us. Now I want you to know I'm not here to critize parents and the way the raise thier kids. We all have different ways of doing it. Just wanted to share the difference of years ago and now. I my self is no way , shape or form a perfect mom . I don't deserve the mother of the year award. Truth is I don't think there is a perfect parent. Just ones that our doing thier best the best way they know how . It's in my belief that technology is a huge problem for kids today . I feel as if it takes away from them using thier creative side . It takes away from them wanting to interact with thier family . I think its crucial for kids to interact with familes, think for them selves solve problems on thier own . Now this is not suggesting that my thinking is right . It's just how I am as a parent , as I said evryone has thier own way . I am very protective as a parent . This world has bestowed upon us fear . I am guilty of sharing a lot of theses fears . And this creates a problem for me as I feel like I am not letting my daughter be a child like I was . I feel as if I have taken away the learning on her own factor . So yes as most of you feel I as well feel like I am failing as my part as a mom . But I am trying my best !  This child of mine is beautiful inside and out !  She has amazing loving and caring heart ! And as of the moment she is only four . In a few short weeks she will turn five . Her brilliance amazes me !  She has to come to rely on things on television though . I try to get her to play with the toys she has and try to make learning fun , but she looses interest in the learning process and tends to focus on something else . And comes to me and says , mommy I'm bored !  Now I will say this , she has a room full of toys !  There is days that she does get creative and tell me her verison of The Three Bears and The Three Little Pigs and lets not for get Little Red Riding hood !  And sometimes she uses her imagenation with playing with these toys . But other days It's like a blank page . Sometimes I worry about the creative , imageinative side of her will completely fade off as new stuff comes out as far as in technology goes .  The lack of respect these days is so frustrating . It's actually kinda sad if you think about it .  I hope to do my best in showing my daughter to have respect for other people . I look at her and I see there are things in her that shows me in her more and more everyday .  So maybe , Just maybe , I am doing something a little right .  I will never give up on her  . And no matter what life throws at us or takes us . I  want her to feel loved and know that she can rely on me .  Some kids don't get to experience that . I never got to experience from my own mother . As life is getting more expensive , probably wouldn't be a bad Idea to making kids go back outside these days and share thier own experiences with thier friends .  My problem as a protective mom is that i have a hard time letting go . I get seperation anxeity . But , I'm trying to let go a little at a time as she gets older . It's a long difficult road for me .  But, I don't want her to feel isolated  from the world but, to instead experience the beauty in life and what it has to offer and not let the fear of life take away from the most wonderful experiences she can have . The same ones we had when we were younger .  I's okay to be a friend to your child, because it shows warmth and understanding but, don't let the parent in that department disappear because they still need guidence and boundries .  It's up to us parents to show our children every beauty of nature , put technology aside for a few days go out for a walk in the park, look at a creek , watch thier faces light up with interest when they find a speacil rock or see a beautiful flower and find thier favorite animal .  I could go on and on about this subject . But I don't want to make any one feel small or make any one mad or just plain make you bored .  So with this being said I would love to see your comments below !!!  Thanks for taking the time to read this !                                                                                                                                                                                                         Sincerely , SaPhY 

Ladies and gentleman,       if you really love someone and want to be with them, stop playing games or flirting with others. It's painful, if you keep playing you will loosing the one that matters most and the one you dont know how much you really love.  It makes them feel like they dont matter.  And I see it a lot !   Love is more than just words, Both parties have to back those words up with actions.   So when you say you love someone make sure you show them as well.   Because I know first hand how it hurts. Show them what they mean to you before its to late . 

Love ,

Love can be blind and wonderous. Also dangerous and forbidden. 

True love will stay strong. And the willing partners will and work through anything that life designs to break them apart. While the weak falls apart. Love no matter what is always blind in the beginning. So it's wonderous. But when the new wears off. Where does it leave us? 

In some cases heart broken. Because we realize it was the idea that we loved the most. In some cases we see things or flaws that we didn't see before. How do we cope?  Well some walk away. Others accept it. 

There's danger in love too. That's the kind where you choose the wrong person to be with and you don't care about the outcome, leaving you vulnerable to heartache. The kind that you rather live on the edge, doing what you please. Without worries of the aftermath. 

The forbidden kind. The most dangerous of all but thrill seekers love it or people wanting what they can't have. Yes I'm talking about wanting a partner that is already involved. Some take it as far as going after that particular person. Ask yourself is it really worth it? 

So at the end of the day. Before you lay down dig deep in your heart ask yourself are you really in love. Because there is a difference in loving someone and being inlove. Being inlove , nothing, I mean nothing will get in the way. You make time for that person. You show that person, that they are respected and valued as your partner. You wouldn't stop thinking about them. 

But just loving someone. Sure you don't want nothing bad to happen to them. And you want to see them happy no matter what. The same as you would do for your family or friends. 

So please be careful with your heart and figure out what kind of love you have !

Here's to all those girls who used to be his number one. The ones who waited all night for him to call, only to check the caller ID the next morning and be disappointed. The ones who made it through that bitter break up, dried your own tears, and moved on with your life, only to have him walk back in it months later like nothing ever happened. Those of you who cried on the first day you talked again because you knew exactly where this phone call was going. The ones who listened to him say, I only want to be your friend, one day, and the next, listened to him say how much he loves and misses you. We deserve something, and this is our tribute.Here's to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time, he was different, hoping that maybe people really do change. We listened to our friends tell us that we were stupid for even thinking about giving him another chance, caught crap from our parents, and even snuck around to see him for while. We went through the great stage with no fights all over again. We started this out thinking it would be just friends, and endedup falling in love with him again. We wanted nothing more in the world than to hear him tell us he loved ustoo, that even though things were bad in the past, they would be different this time. And when we finally heard it, it was like we were dreaming. This is for us. Here's to the ones who believed what he said, sat around all over again waiting for a phone call that might come in a few hours, or a few days. Here's for the tears cried and dried all over again. We wanted so desperately to believe that he was really busy, he couldn't possibly call us at that moment, or even that he fell asleep early. We trained ourselves to believe the lies because we wanted to believe we had found the one for us. We learned to SETTLE for someone who didn't treat us the way we should be treated. Here's for the ones who did their hair and make up and put on their prettiestearrings, only to hear him say that he couldn't see us today. The ones who never believed it when people told us there might be someone else. We just couldn't believe that he could do this to us again. This is for those great girls, who loved him more than words can say, and took him back no matter what happened last time because they couldn't bear to look back on their lives one day and wonder "what if". This is for the girls that stayed up all night long listening to him whine about an ex girlfriend who cheated on him, and cried during theentire conversation. The ones who hoped he would realize that he deserved better, that he deserved us. When he said that he loved you, but he was in love with her, he didn't mean it. This is for the ones that held on to something that was never there to begin with. This is for us girls, who somehow managed to get him to forget about her, and get him to tell us that he was in love with us again, only to have him tell us three weeks later that "things were going too fast, he needs time." Here's to the girls who couldn't cry to their friends because of how stupid they felt. The ones who held it all in when things came crumbling to pieces again. This is for the ones who couldn't bear to even tell their mom what was going on, for fear of an "I told you so." The ones that could just TELL that they had made a mistake ever allowing him into their hearts, and their dreams again. We knew that we deserved better the entire time, that we deserved a guy who would call when he said he was going to, one that would come see us whenever he got the chance, one that would really care about us. We just wanted the one that we loved like that. Here's for the ones that FINALLY realized that he never gave a crap about them. Here's for the time that he broke your heart again. This is for those days spent trying to hold back the tears, and the tears that turned into anger, then disappointment. Here's for us girls who finally realized that we deserve better. This is for those confusing days, when you miss him, and want nothing more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around your waist. Stay strong, and remember that relationships are like broken glass, sometimes it's better to leave it alone rather than try to put the pieces back together and get hurt. Remember the times you cried, and how long it took you to even be able to look at another guy like that. When "your song" comes on the radio, turn the station. When the day comes that he realizes what a mistake he made and tries calling, turn your phone off. When he tries coming to your house, don't answer the door. Think of the broken promises, and the lies, the manipulation and the tears, the wasted momentsand staying up all night wondering where the crap he was. Think of how your heart used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night, and how it fell to your stomach when you saw it wasn't him, and realized that once again, he hadn't called when he said he was going to. One day, you'll find a guy who's worth all the tears, but he won't make you cry. You may think that you'll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will. It's gonna hurt like crap, and it's going to need time to heal, but the point is, it will heal. This is for those girls, who fell back in love with a guy, only to get hurtall over again

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending... compromise is two way street. You need time to heal between relationships... there is nothing cute about baggage... Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals.. look for someone complimentary... not supplementary. Dating is fun... even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - 
he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others. Share this with other women and men (just so they know)... You'll make someone smile, another rethink her/his choices, and another woman prepare, and a man aware

Ladies:   A man will tell you all the things you want to hear exactly when you need to hear them.  So Please dont fall for the idea of it or the little black and white words on your screen. If a man really likes you he will stop at nothing just to be with you and only you. Spend some time getting to know each other as well as in person in a more intimate manner before you decide you're in love.  But please don't force thie issue or push him.  Let it happen naturally or you will end up pushing him away.  Don't be desperate. because that will only lead to loneliness and your own self pitty.  So relax ladies, and have some patience. Your man is around the corner somewhere.  On another note ladies, don't whine and get an attitude when he cant call or text you back right away he could be busy. And don't get pissy and jealous when he talks to or jokes with another lady. Chances are they are only just friends.                          Men:  Don't tell woman things they like to hear unless you really mean them and really do want to be with a lady.  It's really cruel and mean!  Please don't lead a woman on just to let her down.  If you are trying to win a lady over don't flirt with others at the same time. It's not cute or cool.   Don't ignore a lady and come up reasons and excuses to the reaasons you are ignoring her,we both know that some days are busy but tell her you will be busy. if you don't feel like talking to her at the moment so you can collect your thoughts than be honest and tell her. So that she don't wait around all day wasting her time on a promise call or text that you cant give her.  So you see as human's we both have our flaws. But at the end of the day it's how we present ourselves that matters.

4Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7Love

    I walk in the clouds of heaven
    and dance in a field of flowers
    It's your love that moves me
    your butterfly kisses are the best
    Sweet and sensational
    You are the bestfriend i have ever had
    I want more than what we have
    A strange and wonderful feeling
    moves through me
    like hot flowing lava that moves
    continuesly through a valcano
    When it rains i dont feel gloom
    Because with you in my life
    The sun always hits me in my face
    This love and friendship
    is deffinately something more
    A place worth exploring
    beyond the galazies
    to a place we cant explain
    along with the moonshine
    a beautiful place shines
    filled with hope love and trust
    its like we are the only two their
    as the new leaves turn and dance in the wind
    its like the breeze that you can feel but cant see
    which explains the love i have for you and you have for me

    I just want you to know that I'm glad we met.Since you entered my life,you've brought me much sunshine and happiness,and you've inspired the most romantic dreams imaginable.I look forward to spending time with you and getting to know you better.We have many sunny, romantic days to look forward to together.

    In this world together
    You and i were born seperately
    In two different states
    In two different year dates
    But were in this world together
    We had our ups, we had our downs
    We had our smiles, and even dome frowns
    But were in this world together
    We hold hands, caress, and kiss
    Your lips are the only ones i miss
    Were in this world together
    We fight, we break up
    We kiss and make up
    We lose, we win
    And back to doing it again
    Because were in this world together
    Many of challeenges we will face
    But we move forward
    With gods good grace
    All because were in this world together
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