New Year, Same Old Bullshit
2007 has just started, but that's not going to keep me from giving you all the year's top headlines. Other news sources may wait until hard facts and data have come across their desks before they report a story, but I'm going to cut right to the chase and tell you everything that went down in '07.
Now, obviously I don't have any specific names, places or dates, but you can just fill those in as the year progresses and information is passed along. So without further adieu (or ado, depending on how big of a twat you are), here is "2007 - The Year in Review."
In political news, President Bush urged Congress to [something involving the Middle East and the U.S. Military]. [Group of jerkoffs] supported the president, but [other group of jerkoffs] strongly opposed the president on this issue.
Also in politics, [random senator or congressman] was embroiled in a scandal when it was discovered that [he or she] [accepted money illegally and/or had inappropriate relations with a minor].
But 2007 wasn't just a big year for politics. The world of entertainment also had a lot to offer us in the way of news. First of all, who could forget when [random celebrity] was busted for DUI and sent to rehab. I think the image of [said celebrity's] mugshot will be burnt into my memory forever.
And who could forget when [B or C level celebrity] came out of the closet. As if that wasn't shocking enough, [celebrity couple] got divorced after [single-digit number] years of marriage. And the release of [lame movie] sparked protests from the Catholic church and helped [lame movie] go on to make over $500 million worldwide.
But it wasn't all bad news out of Hollywood. [Different celebrity couple] gave birth to a beautiful baby [boy or girl] and named it [random object that only a retard would name their baby]. They weren't the only ones with baby news. [Attention-starved, talentless celebrity] adopted a baby from [third world country].
It was also a banner year in sports. [Athlete that I forgot was still playing] broke [some record]. Also, the [random team name] shocked everyone when they won [name of championship trophy for corresponding sport].
Sadly, it wasn't all good news in the sports world. [Asshole] tested positive for steroid use and his case was [quickly forgotten or ignored]. There was also a huge brawl in [sports league dominated by black athletes] that resulted in the suspension of [3-5 dickheads covered in tattoos]. And [superstar athlete] was accused of [rape or murder], but the charges were dropped due to [superstar athlete] paying a large sum of money to [victim].
In world news, a [random natural disaster] struck [country somewhere in Asia] and killed [10,000-100,000] people.
In U.S. news, the entire nation prayed for [kidnapped blonde college girl and/or seven-year-old blonde girl], only to be saddened when her dead body was discovered [one week to four months] later.
Finally, who could forget that 2007 is the year that gave us [name of popular website]. The website that revolutionized [pointless activity] and had the entire world [something that wastes your life].
So there's your 2007 wrap-up. I would say it will be an amazing year, but the truth is that it will be a year like any other. As the months pass, the information I've left blank will fill in, the stories will be sold to us, and we'll react the same way we always do. We'll argue, debate, pass judgment, protest, make jokes, and, ultimately, nothing will change. And in 2008 it'll all start over again. See ya then, news fans!
