I just got done decorating the Christmas tree with my family. As tradition goes, I put the last ornament on the tree, and as I did I remembered my dad, who passed away Sept. 2004.
The ornament I put on the tree was the first Christmas present my wife got for my dad. It was a Packers Christmas tree ornament. As I put it on the tree, I started remembering the past Christmases with my mom and dad and sister, how my dad would sit in his chair and pass out ornaments for us to put on the tree...how he and I would put the lights up on the house every year. I remember so many Christmas mornings when after we got home from church, we would gather in the living room and my dad would pass out the presents to everyone.
It has been three years since he passed away, but at times it feels as fresh as if it had happened yesterday. He was a truck driver for most of his life, so it seems like he's gone on a really long run. I still sometimes wait to hear the diesel engine pull up in front of our house and have him come up and knock on our door. To give him a big hug and smell the diesel fumes on his jacket. To this day, the smell of diesel fumes from a bus or a big truck still make me cry (both happy and sad tears).
I don't think I've grieved properly, or else it still wouldn't hurt so bad sometimes. The day he passed, I was actually getting ready to go over and visit with him and mom, because he was home, not feeling well. Then the knock on the door came. We went over there to be with my mom and my sister. The next day I was back at work, and it was probably the worst day of my life. I didn't want to be there, but I had to be, because I couldn't afford to miss work. I never took time out of my life to miss him.
There are certain things in my life that still make me think of him and cry. Diesel fumes like I said, but also football. We used to have such a good time watching football together. I work with my local HS football team, and when he was home, the head coach always allowed him to come down on the field to be with me. Those were some of the best moments we had together, and I know he enjoyed them just as much as I did. To this day I can't watch NASCAR races. We watched just about every race we could, but now when I try to watch them, it's not the same and I can't stand to watch it for more than 5 minutes.
So, for my family, I'll do the best I can to smile and put on a happy face, but inside my heart is dashed into about a million tiny pieces, and by the time I get it put back together, it'll be Christmas time again next year.
