toastman140's blog: "Jam on Toast"

I hope everyone is having a wonderful Holiday season. Things are looking pretty good on this end. I just found work a couple of weeks ago and I'm enjoying being productive once again. I've noticed that I'm feeling much better about myself and I feel like things are turning around for me. I want to thank everyone who's stuck by me through my darkest and kept reminding me there was light waiting for me at the end of the tunnel. I'm lucky that it wasn't a train coming at me lol. Merry Christmas (or whatever particular holiday you celebrate this time of year)

I just want to let everyone know, why i haven't been myself today...today would have been my dad's 51st b-day...so i just have the added reminder today that he isn't with us anymore. I apologize for me being a bit down today, and i'm sure i'll be back to being my typical self again tomorrow. I apologize for any inconvience this may cause. Have a great day!

Hey ya'll... i just want to thank all of my friends on here who did an awesome job of making this boy feel really good on his birthday!! A special shout out to all of my friends at the Howl at the Moon Saloon...come check us out at... http://www.fubar.com/new_lounge.php?w=1&lid=57288 you won't regret it for sure!!

I just want to take a moment to give thanks to all my friends here who lend me an ear when i need to vent, because I know that they have problems of their own, and they push them aside for a moment to take mine on, and that really means a lot to me! I wish that I could meet all of you face to face and personally show you what you all mean to me. Perhaps someday I will have that chance:D

Yeah the title pretty much says it all...just one of those days...where i want to pull all of my hair out by the roots (what little of it is left) and then talk a long walk on a short pier. Nothing is going right, everything that is even slightly important or valuable is being ruined all around me and there isn't anything i can do about it. My head feels like it is about to explode and make yet another mess that i have to clean up. all i can do is pray that i don't go crazy and hurt someone else or myself. Ok, feeling better now

Here it is...thursday...just another day in the life ya know? Been working on cleaning the house, doing school work and trying to keep myself busy to keep from going crazy. I really wish I had a life sometimes.

Howdy everyone. It's been a while since I've actually sat down and wrote down some stuff...hope ya'll had a great new year...mine sucked kinda. I was sick, but i still managed to have a good time. Started back to school this week, and it should be quite fun again. I had a chance to go to the Packer game this weekend, but I couldn't find someone to watch the kids :(. Just as well it's going to be freezing out w/ anticipated high temperatures being below zero... I think i'll stay home and watch the game instead. I can sit in my chair w/ my cheetos and drinks and yell at the screen w/o having to worry about my butt freezing to the aluminum bleachers. It'll still be fun to watch the game anyways. Hope this finds everyone healthy and happy :D Always with love, Toast!!

Here I am on probably my favorite day of the year...the first day of the year...New Year's Day. Why is it my favorite day of the year? Because it is crammed full of football...college football. For me, it's probably the closest thing to heaven on earth...except for this year. I'm too sick to even enjoy any of it. I tried watching the CapitalOne Bowl between Michigan and Florida, and fell asleep. I couldn't even watch my team play their bowl game because it was on ESPN, and I don't have cable. Totally sucks, and heaven on earth has turned into hell!!

I just got done decorating the Christmas tree with my family. As tradition goes, I put the last ornament on the tree, and as I did I remembered my dad, who passed away Sept. 2004. The ornament I put on the tree was the first Christmas present my wife got for my dad. It was a Packers Christmas tree ornament. As I put it on the tree, I started remembering the past Christmases with my mom and dad and sister, how my dad would sit in his chair and pass out ornaments for us to put on the tree...how he and I would put the lights up on the house every year. I remember so many Christmas mornings when after we got home from church, we would gather in the living room and my dad would pass out the presents to everyone. It has been three years since he passed away, but at times it feels as fresh as if it had happened yesterday. He was a truck driver for most of his life, so it seems like he's gone on a really long run. I still sometimes wait to hear the diesel engine pull up in front of our house and have him come up and knock on our door. To give him a big hug and smell the diesel fumes on his jacket. To this day, the smell of diesel fumes from a bus or a big truck still make me cry (both happy and sad tears). I don't think I've grieved properly, or else it still wouldn't hurt so bad sometimes. The day he passed, I was actually getting ready to go over and visit with him and mom, because he was home, not feeling well. Then the knock on the door came. We went over there to be with my mom and my sister. The next day I was back at work, and it was probably the worst day of my life. I didn't want to be there, but I had to be, because I couldn't afford to miss work. I never took time out of my life to miss him. There are certain things in my life that still make me think of him and cry. Diesel fumes like I said, but also football. We used to have such a good time watching football together. I work with my local HS football team, and when he was home, the head coach always allowed him to come down on the field to be with me. Those were some of the best moments we had together, and I know he enjoyed them just as much as I did. To this day I can't watch NASCAR races. We watched just about every race we could, but now when I try to watch them, it's not the same and I can't stand to watch it for more than 5 minutes. So, for my family, I'll do the best I can to smile and put on a happy face, but inside my heart is dashed into about a million tiny pieces, and by the time I get it put back together, it'll be Christmas time again next year.

Well campers, that's the end of the semester...well not officially, i still have a small test to take on tuesday, but otherwise the semester is over. I'm sure I did well in my classes, and the hard work I've been putting in the past few weeks will be worth it. I haven't been around as much as I usually am, and I'm sorry if anyone missed me at all (not that ya'll have i'm sure) but I should be back around for the next few weeks at least :D So someone help me celebrate winter break by showin me some love ok??