If you, like most of us magic users, practice Tironmancy—divination by cheese, you must use the utmost caution.
In the past, after asking a question, a block of Swiss cheese was cut (this is called “Cutting the Cheese”) and the number of holes on the new side of the slice was counted. Of course, most of you know all this but for those rare ones of you that don’t: The number of holes is counted—this tells how many days or weeks ahead (depending on how you phrased the question) the situation will occur. An even number of holes means that the situation will be favorable and the opposite is true for an odd number of holes.
Well, this grand system still works BUT: Beware! Inside the USA and a few other highly industrial countries, Fake Swiss Cheese is being made and the holes are artificially drilled through the blocks of cheese. This is called “The Nazarene System” whereby we get the more common phrase, “Cheeses of Nazareth”. Counting holes in these fake cheeses only yields information on the position of the block of the cheese and the number of drill bits operating at that time.
Fred Gambian of Pennsylvania did not know about this infringement on our holey cheese divination system and after he cut the cheese, he mistakenly interpreted the result—which led him to vote for Dubya eight times in one election!
This public service announcement brought to you, courtesy of ABC (Ansur Baloney Corporation)
