bridevon83's blog: "can't sleep"

Hate To Love

 

As she screams, the sound is so sharp and loud it will make your ears bleed, but still no one hears, no one hears her screams, for her screams are muffled by love, A love that holds her captive to her abuser, thou her love isn’t enough to save her from his rage, the love he feels for her is so strong that he holds her captive in her own home and in her heart, he loves her too much to free her, instead all his love turns into rage just to try to hold on to her, but what he doesn’t see is, this love that once was beautiful built and marriage and a family, and now the same love is destroying everything it built, Love is now a bad thing, love is now evil, it is now her worst enemy, her mind wants to let him go but love wont let her heart be free of him and the abuse. That’s love, what was once good is now bad because of love.

The sores are healing, I have a better feeling. There is still some tender spots inside, my feelings i can not hide. My heart is growing more everyday, you could never love too much,thats what they say. But, does it seem that love is the fastest route to pain, because, it seems the more i love , the more i question, am i going insane. When you love that much, and then hurt that bad, the outcome usually always means being sad. Thank god, everyday for love, weither good or bad, regaurdless, it's still love, which means you still have a heart, so be glad. To be numb inside, is never good, it only spells disaster,make up with family,you really should. I love my family,and im so glad we made up, and got over it, I love you MOM and DAD and Amy and Cj, don't ever forget......................

Grrrrrrr trying to find a vehicle can be so aggrevateing , always hit and miss hit and miss, u can't ever tell the sheep from the wolves.... I hate that i wish that this world was not such dog eat dog and more people car about each other and being honest . It really sucks and makes it hard to find a dependable vehicle, and that is exactly what i have to have , a dependable vehicle , i have two kids and the vehicle has to being able to get my husband to and from work and now there are so many people out there so quick to sell u a lemon even after u tell them that it sucks..............

finally her age will fit her knowledge , she is to smart to be 4 lol

MY DAUGHTER IS SO SMART, I'M SO PROUD OF HER, SHE IS LEARNING TO READ, I AM TEACHING HER AND IT DOES GET AGREVATEING BUT NEVER THE LESS SHE IS DOING THA THANG. SHE IS LEARNING SLOWLY BUT SURELY, SHE ISN'T EVEN FIVE YET AND SHE CAN READ A LITTLE AND SHE CAN WRITE ANYTHING SHE CAN SEE. MY SON IS LEARNING HIS COLORS THROUGH HIS SISTER, I TRIED TO TEACH HIM AND THOUGH HE CAUGHT ON TO SOME HE DIDN'T LEARN AS MUCH FROM ME AS HE DID FROM HIS SISTER, JUST LISTENING TO HER, SHE SAYS THINGS LIKE NO SHAIN I WANT THE GREEN ONE GIVE ME THAT GREEN ONE OVER THERE AND HE WILL GO GET THE OTHER ONE. AND THE NEXT TIME SHE SAYS SHAIN HAND ME THAT GREEN CAR HE GETS THE GREEN ONE, HE TOLD HIS DAD THE OTHER DAD THAT HE WANTED THE ORANGE CHIPS , WHICH IS DORITOES. THAT IS WHAT COURTNEY CALLS THEM, AND HE WOULDN'T EAT ANY OTHER CHIP BUT THE ORANGE ONES. COOL HUH......... IT JUST AMAZES ME WHAT KIDS LEARN FROM EACH OTHER , I GUESS THE BEST TEACHERS ARE OUR KIDS..............

I wish I could be like a child, to be happy doing anything, wouldn't that be nice. I wish I could be like a bird, to be free to fly anywhere in that big open sky, wouldn't that be nice. I wish I could be like a flower, to be so beautiful,perfect, and unique, wouldn't that be nice. Most of all I wish I could be me, to be so real,confident in my own skin, opinionated, and intelligent, wouldn't that be nice. To be me means to be hated by most and loved by few. To be me means , to be the one that fights with everyone because of my opinions. To be me means, to be the one that can say or do something and feel no remorse, because I'm that confident that I'm in the right. To be me means to be too real to just go along with anything said or done, Of all the things I wish to be: a child, a bird,a flower, the one I wish to be the most is me.

You either like me or you don't You either love me or you won't. You can cuse me if you may You can threaten that I will pay. But when you get done playing your game You better think about all that shame. You'll cry about what you've done You'll regret the things you said that caused me to run. You'll want me someday You may even break down and pray. But, just remember through it all I am too strong, I will not fall. I have cried many a day I've even gotten mad and said you would pay. But, now I am fine my life, my heart, it is mine. It doesn't belong to anyone but me Noone can break it now , finally my heart is free. That is it no regrets for me I just hope you can say the same, so you can also be free. Free of shame Free of blame. Free of me Now i will leave you be...........

I have a feeling that I just can't shake, living with these feelings are about all I can take. I always just knew that I would be different than my mother, but, I have grown up to be just like her. I love my mother, but I never knew how she put up with so much, I know now that you can love someone and still hate there every touch. I know now that after several years of just the right amount of anger, you could easily end up married to a complete stranger. I have this feeling that I just can't shake, living with these feelings are about all I can take. I just don't have the time for the things I love to do, because, everything I go to do the kids have got to try it too. I'm a independent and confident woman stuck in a old woman's life, but, I don't know what to do to get out of the rut of being the bitchy housewife. I've been to college to get my perfect career, just more time wasted, is my biggest fear. I have a feeling that I just can't shake, living with these feelings are about all I can take. I have had a close call with death, and I'm still around, It seems now I have a hunger for life, that I just haven't found. I know the life I want is within my reach, but, I already have a life with two children waiting for me to teach. I know that they are learning all the wrong things, like anger and fear, they get scared when they see momma wiping her face from a tear. This is the life I chose, I have to try to repair it, to make it worth living, I sure don't want my children to think they have to take everything that they are given. I know now why my mother always begged us to learn from her mistakes, just one woman to break the curse and hopefully that is all it takes. I want my children to never think that they have to settle for anything less than great, they should find a person that is so perfect, that it has got to be fait.

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat and the fiddle, Courtney sure loves that riddle. Little boy blue, That’s Shains’ color too. Roses are red, It’s time to get into bed. Sleep tight , Mommy is always right. Don’t forget to say your prayers, Did I take a shower last night, oh well who cares. Good night , I love you, see you in the morning, Honey, will you please stop snoring!

No, no, no you may not have a drink, Will you please be quiet, I can’t even think. No, no, no put him down, You two are fighting every time I turn around. No, no, no now quit asking for more candy, One piece will do you just fine and dandy. Yes, yes, yes your daddy will be home soon to play with you, I know you miss him I do too. Yes, yes, yes you can help me with the dishes, Yes honey water is also for the fishes. Yes, yes, yes you’re my angel no matter what you do, No, no, no I could never stop loving you.