This basically for me to get things out of my head so maybe i can sleep...
Well it has been on hell of a day. As some of you know that read my last post, my uncle just past away. (my dad's brother) And my hubby is still being an insensitive jerk. He went to bed tonight without even mentioning my loss or try to console me. That hurt. I dont mean to sound selfish but if it means wanting him to be there for me during this time then ok I'm selfish. But it's clear he isnt goin to be there so I try to hide my pain and deal with it by myself. I have gotten good at hiding my pain the last few years. Only those that I allow to see it can. Basically thats just a couple close friends. But they are in Oklahoma and I am in Texas. (thank God they will be here for the weekend)
Anyways,I tried to go to bed to get some rest. I really tried but when I laid down I was overwhelmed with memories and thoughts. It hit me that my dad is the last one in the family that is left that carries our name. My sister took it back after her divorce but its not the same. My dad and his brother both had girls and no boys. Just the thought of that made me cry. Our family name is almost gone.
Then I started thinking about my dad and his health. He is a lung cancer survivor, yet his health is still going down hill. He can't do what he use to be able to and is always tired. In and out of the hospital bc of one thing or another. Grandma passed away in july and my uncle just last night....God help me i cant take another death in the family this year. Especially not my own father! I'm just not ready for that. Then again who is really. You can prepare yourself for it but you will never be ready. My sister and I went to california a few months ago to say goodbye to our grandma bc we knew she was leaving us. That week went by so fast I didn't want to leave. But we had our lives we had to get back to. As we drove away she was standing outside waving to us saying to come back agian soon. I just smiled and told her I loved her, got in the car and she blew us a kiss. Jon was with us and i told him to drive away slowly. I couldnt take my eyes off her bc i knew it would be the last time. Couple months after that dad called and told me she had passed. I knew it was coming but i wasnt ready. I tried to stand when I got off the phone to wipe my face but my knees failed me and i collapsed. Jon was there for me then and he caught me and just let me cry until i couldnt no more.
Now here i am going through it again by myself this time and all this is going through my head. I need someone to just hold me and let me cry until i fall asleep. I obviously cant do it on my own which is why I am here writing this. Im writing it basically for myself. Thinking that if I get it all done then maybe I will be able to get some rest. I have alot to do tomorrow since a coupl of my friends are coming to town to go to a concert we planned on goin to a for a week now. I didn't want to cancle it bc there is no need to. I know that they will cheer me up and be there for me and i need that now more than ever.
I went all day without smiling or laughing. When jon came home he starting rambling on about something that made me laugh alil bit. (No im not sharing, but one person already knows what that was :P) Then I got on here and my lc hubby got on tonight and he made me smile and laugh. That meant alot to me. It was a more sincere smile and laugh than the one i got from Jon. So thank you Sam! You're the best! MAUH! Im so happy I met you and that you are in my life. You have been there for me more than you really know. Thank you for your friendship, it will always be cherished.
Ok well, I think i got it all down now. For the most part anyways. Maybe now I can get some sleep soon...guess I'll see!
