I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words "I do." FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So, she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear. "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear. Let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!! I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

How old is Grandpa??? Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away. One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general. The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before: 'television 'penicillin 'polio shots 'frozen foods 'Xerox 'contact lenses 'Frisbees and 'the pill There were no: 'credit cards 'laser beams or 'ball-point pens Man had not invented: 'pantyhose 'air conditioners 'dishwashers 'clothes dryers 'and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and 'man hadn't yet walked on the moon Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir". And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir." We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums. We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards. You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. In my day: '"grass" was mowed, '"coke" was a cold drink, '"pot" was something your mother cooked in and '"rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. '"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, '" chip" meant a piece of wood, '"hardware" was found in a hardware store and ' "software" wasn't even a word. And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am? I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock! Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time. Are you ready ?????

This man would be only 59 years old

a.. There will be no special bilingual programs in the schools. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * a.. No special ballots for elections. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * a.. All government business will be conducted in our language. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * a.. Foreigners will NOT have the right to vote no matter how long they are here. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * a.. Foreigners will NEVER be able to hold political office. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * a.. Foreigners will not be a burden to the taxpayers. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * a.. No welfare, no food stamps, no health care, or other government assistance programs. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * a.. Foreigners can invest in this country, but it must be an amount equal to 40,000 times the daily minimum wage. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * a.. If foreigners do come and want to buy land that will be okay. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * a.. BUT options will be restricted. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * a.. You are not allowed waterfront property. That is reserved for citizens naturally born into this country. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * a.. Foreigners may not protest; no demonstrations, no waving a foreign flag, no political organizing, no bad-mouthing our president or his policies. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * a.. If you do you will be sent home. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * a.. If you do come to this country illegally, you will be hunted down and sent straight to jail. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Harsh, you say?........ The above laws happen to be the immigration laws of " MEXICO "

Here is a pretty neat little thing from Paul Harvey. See if you can guess the riddle at the end. Paul Harvey Writes: We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better. I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would. I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated. I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car. And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen. It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep. I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in. I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room,but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him. When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him/her. I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely. On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom. If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one. I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books. When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head. I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boygirl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like. May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole. I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend. I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle. May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays. I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hannukah/Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand. These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life. Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I'm here for you. And if I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you. Send this to all of your friends. We secure our friends, not by accepting favors, but by doing them. Paul Harvey RIDDLE: When asked this riddle, 80% of kindergarten kids got the answer, compared to 17% of Stanford University seniors. What is greater than God, More evil than the devil, The poor have it, The rich need it, And if you eat it, you'll die?

My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done: “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside – I’ve just finished cleaning!” My mother taught me religion: “You’d better pray that stain will come out of the carpet.” My mother taught me about time travel: “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you right into the middle of next week!” My mother taught me logic: “Because I said so, that’s why.” My mother taught me foresight: “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.” My mother taught me irony: “Keep laughing and I’ll give you something to cry about.” My mother taught me about the science of osmosis: “Shut your mouth and eat your supper!” My mother taught me about contortionism: “Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!” My mother taught me about stamina: “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is finished.” My mother taught me about weather: “It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.” My mother taught me how to solve physics problems: “If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming towards you, would you listen to me then?” My mother taught me about hypocrisy: “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: don’t exaggerate!!” My mother taught me the circle of life: “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.” My mother taught me about behaviour modification: “Stop acting like your father!” My mother taught me about envy: “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!” Thanks, Mom!

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chicken s are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a ! hot d ay. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish - all within five minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life. I no longer check the coin return on pay ph ones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's to! ld us how to fix everything. And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 47,000 people in the next 47 seconds, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:47 PM tomorrow afternoon (your time), and the fleas from 47 camels will infest your back side, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician... Have a wonderful day....Oh, and one last tidbit... A scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!!

PARENTS WHO DRUGGED US.. The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question. "Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?" I replied, I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather. I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me. I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flowerbeds and cocklebur's out of dad's fields. I was drug to the homes of family, friends and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed. Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place. God bless the parents who drugged us.

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. Commandment 2. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand! Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is. Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. Commandment 9. Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband. Commandment 10. Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.

1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel. 2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself. 3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle. 4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. 5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate. 6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why. 7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2" by 3-1/2". 8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur," a small red car can be seen in the distance (and Heston's wearing a watch). 9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! (That explains a few mysteries... .) 10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. 11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood. 12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564, 000. 13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver. 14. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before. 15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo. 16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist who discovered this??) 17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm. 18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen' s "Born in the USA." 19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby. 20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. 21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so the called themselves Motorola. 22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet. 23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand. 24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. 25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest. 26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying. 27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson." 28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing! 29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher. 30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries. 31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them. 32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!

Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion, Agnes December 16 Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes December 17 Dear John: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling, but I must insist, you've been too kind. Love, Agnes December 18 Dear John: Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being to romantic. Affectionately, Agnes December 19 Dear John: What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes December 20 Dear John: When I opened the door, there were actually six geese a laying on my steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge, where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop!! Cordially, Agnes December 21 Dear John: What's with you and those friggin' birds??? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck, it's not funny. So stop with the friggin' birds!! Sincerely, Agnes December 22 O.K. BUSTER: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is cow shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smart ass. Agnes December 23 Hey Shithead: What are you? Some kind of sadist. Now there's nine pipers playing. And damn, do they play! They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stomping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do!!? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours, Agnes December 24 You rotten prick: Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit! The Commissioner of Building has subpoenaed me to show cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm siccing the police on you, Agnes December 25 Listen Shithead: What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, the rotten vicious swine. Yours sworn enemy, Agnes December 26 LAW OFFICES BADGER, BENDER & CAJOLE 303 Knave Street Chicago, Illinois December 26 This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction of course was total. All future correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.