I am told that I should be able to better deal with this by now. After all yesterday did mark the 11th year of my sisters death.
But how can one say that as so mater of fact.
I mean yes, it is true June 8, 2006 is the 11th anniversary of my sister being killed, but it still hurts like it was yesterday and not yesterday 11 years ago.
She was so much, to so many.
Yes she was 17, never to see her 18th birthday which would have been November 22.
She was amazing, a young mother, her son was 6 months and 2 days old when she was killed. She was on the honor society, she ran track, she played basketball.
For 2 years after her death my mother still received offers from prestigious Universities.
So here marks the 11th anniversary, and I tell you I am not past it, I still ache, I still feel guilt.
Did she really know I loved her? I mean I was so mean to her growing up.
I wonder, was she ready to go? Was she exhausted from being a mom, going to school and going to work? Had she given up?
I spent today, June 9, 2006, looking at the newspaper of her death and then went and searched the internet for the man who killed her. Can I call it murder? I mean he chose to run a red light in a truck that weighed 80,000lbs. Or do you call it an accident? I know that Iris Gene McKinzy wants to call it an accident. I almost called him today. But what do you say? Hi, my name is Stacy and you killed my sister? I thought that was not appropriate… so what do you say? Hi? Do you know what today is? Do you hurt every day like I do for the life you stole?
So what does one say? I chose not to make the phone call. Perhaps it is healthier that I leave this man who will be 70 on September 16th. You know… September 16th is also my mother’s birthday is that irony?
What to say to those who feel like I have carried this too far? I don’t dare wish this grief on them, but I do wish they not make me feel weak or crazy for my hurt. Should my hurt not be so intense? The only true answer I can give to that is perhaps.
Should I not have these feelings of wanting this man to know how much he has hurt us after so long… that just because time has marched on… it does not mean that it has healed all wounds.
So, what is to be done? Cry? Call this man? Hurt?
I chose to write this down… I know not any good that would come from a phone call… but I wonder… does he wonder too?
A very Sad Stacy.
