Smiles's blog: "Pieces of Me"

It's been a while since I have blogged, I guess I've not had much to say. Now I have something to say so here I am. On the 31st of March sometime between midnight and 2AM my grandmother (forever known to you as my Gaw Gaw) passed away. My mother finally made it into town on Friday and we met at my Gaw Gaw's house only to find other distant family members had made their way through to pick out what they wanted. I wont go into the nightmare this has been. On Friday my mother picked up my Gaw Gaw's ashes and today we released her into the Gulf of Mexico... it's as close to the ocean as I can get here in Houston, Texas. It was a simple ceremony... we read Psalms 23 and then released the ashes with some rose petals at the same time and then we sang Amazing Grace... a song that was last sang almost 12 years ago at my sister's funeral... but I digress. Today was simple, you know for my grandmother to be so lively the bag of ashes was small.... The life that lived was so great and so loving and yet the bag was small. I will forever miss her and love her! Thanks for taking the time to read Stacy

As most know I am not a big drinker,,,, but I found a drink that is really good and easy to make... It's called a Madras fill glass with ice 2 oz. of Vodka Equal parts of Orange juice and Cranberry juice. A good drink that is not too girly!

I went and bought my books for the Spring semester. This semester is full of calculus, chemistry, and philosophy and of course a PE class. $309.00 on books and I am not yet ready to go back to class... I have 11 more days before my return! It's all going so quickly. Soon I wont have the time to chat or rate pics. Soon I will be back to my nose in the books and no life outside of school. That is UNTIL March!!!! Spring Break when I am headed to VEGAS!!!! Still looking at throwing a party in Vegas March 9 - 11 ... all are invited! Let me know if you want to attend.

I am told that I should be able to better deal with this by now. After all yesterday did mark the 11th year of my sisters death. But how can one say that as so mater of fact. I mean yes, it is true June 8, 2006 is the 11th anniversary of my sister being killed, but it still hurts like it was yesterday and not yesterday 11 years ago. She was so much, to so many. Yes she was 17, never to see her 18th birthday which would have been November 22. She was amazing, a young mother, her son was 6 months and 2 days old when she was killed. She was on the honor society, she ran track, she played basketball. For 2 years after her death my mother still received offers from prestigious Universities. So here marks the 11th anniversary, and I tell you I am not past it, I still ache, I still feel guilt. Did she really know I loved her? I mean I was so mean to her growing up. I wonder, was she ready to go? Was she exhausted from being a mom, going to school and going to work? Had she given up? I spent today, June 9, 2006, looking at the newspaper of her death and then went and searched the internet for the man who killed her. Can I call it murder? I mean he chose to run a red light in a truck that weighed 80,000lbs. Or do you call it an accident? I know that Iris Gene McKinzy wants to call it an accident. I almost called him today. But what do you say? Hi, my name is Stacy and you killed my sister? I thought that was not appropriate… so what do you say? Hi? Do you know what today is? Do you hurt every day like I do for the life you stole? So what does one say? I chose not to make the phone call. Perhaps it is healthier that I leave this man who will be 70 on September 16th. You know… September 16th is also my mother’s birthday is that irony? What to say to those who feel like I have carried this too far? I don’t dare wish this grief on them, but I do wish they not make me feel weak or crazy for my hurt. Should my hurt not be so intense? The only true answer I can give to that is perhaps. Should I not have these feelings of wanting this man to know how much he has hurt us after so long… that just because time has marched on… it does not mean that it has healed all wounds. So, what is to be done? Cry? Call this man? Hurt? I chose to write this down… I know not any good that would come from a phone call… but I wonder… does he wonder too? A very Sad Stacy.

You ask me how I became a madman. It happened this: One day, long before many gods were born, I woke from a deep sleep and found all my masks were stolen, - the seven masks I have fashioned and worn in seven lives, - I ran maskless through the crowded streets shouting "Thieves, thieves, the cursed thieves." Men and women laughed at me and some ran to their houses in fear of me. And when I reached the market place, a youth standing on a house-top cried "He is a madman." I looked up to behold him; the sun kissed my own naked face for the first time. For the first time the sun kissed my own naked face and my soul was inflamed with love for the sun, and thus I wanted my masks no more. And as if in a trance I cried, "Blessed, blessed are the thieves who stole my masks." Thus I became a madman. And I have found both freedom and safety in my madness; the freedom of loneliness and the safety from being understood, for those who understand us enslave something in us. But let me not be too proud of my safety. Even a Thief in jail is safe from another thief. Kahlil Gibran

There is this little old man in the nursing home crying "Ohh my penis died, ohhhh what a terrible day my penis died" The nurse comes along and says "Mr. Johnson what is your problem" The little ole man screams "Ohhhhh my penis died, I am so sad my penis died" So the nurse takes him off and gets him settled in. The next day Mr. Johnson comes shuffling down the hallway with his penis hanging out of his pants. The nurse said "Mr Johnson what're you doing? I thought you said your penis died" Mr. Johnson replied " It did ... today's the viewing"

YEAH I am more than halfway finished! Tomorrow's final is open book... those are normally worse than a closed book test!!!!! Then Thursday is a bio test... all I need is to make a 10 and I will have an A in the class! YEAH 5 A's!!!! I am still such a grade whore what can I say. I do know I am tired of studying! Ohhhh not that many read this but I will be doing a blast soon ~~VEGAS party during Spring Break!~~ So save up your vacation time and come party in Vegas for the week or just the weekend! So far it's Fyretygress and myself but I will be working on more people coming!!!! I guess that's all the books are calling my name

Today was the last day of school!!! YEAH I made it to winter break! Next week is finals week. I have 3 finals to take as I've already taken 2 finals this week. All I have to do now is make it through finals week! Then one more semester at this level and I head off to the professional level of schooling! I am trying to decide if I want to walk to receive my associates, part of me feels yes because I have earned it and the other part feels I should wait until I receive my BS or my MS. Hmmmm..... what to do?!?!?!?! Stac

Well we've been out shopping, swimming, coloring, and looking at animals and it's only 11AM. Can anyone tell me what there is to do here? We are here for one more night. The hotel is 'eh.. the people are nice. Karsen has befriended a little girl so hopefully I wont have to remain the entertainment committee. Turns out someone else staying at the hotel is on CherryTap as well... So there are at least 2 of us here. It's a bit chilly here... but I live in Houston where it still hits in the 90's somedays. You know us Southerners we complain if the temp gets below 60... we're whimps when it comes to cold weather! Well I need to get back to the Queen. I left her in the pool with the little girl she met and her parents but I don't want to be gone too long. Have an awesome day all ! MUAH