hoblinbobgoblin's blog: "It's morning already?"

ok.... quitting smoking today... wish me luck

Guys go Shopping: or "Get Your Hand Off My Melon!" If there's one thing that a guy considers to be a waste of valuable time, it's shopping. The closest thing to a shopping trip that a guy can tolerate is running to the gas station for another six-pack and some slim jims. The concept of spending two hours in a store and leaving with only one pair of pants just boggles the mind of most guys. If he wants pants, he goes in, grabs a pair of blue jeans, pays, and walks out. End of trip. There is no thought put into whether or not they go with anything, because a guy's wardrobe is almost all blue, anyway. For most guys, there are only a few situations where a shopping trip would be considered. Condition one: he is dragged along by a significant other. This is the closest most guys will get to Hell while they are still alive. Wandering through the stores, constantly being asked their opinion on different outfits, when the only outfit a guy is interested in seeing a girl in is either whipped cream, or plastic wrap. The new shirts and pants are just not high on a guy's priority list. It's even worse when he is asked his thoughts on lingerie in public. He would be more than happy to demonstrate in the privacy of his own home (or in the back of his car, for that matter), but in a crowded store is just too much restraint for him to deal with. The next shopping trip a guy will go on is grocery shopping. Some guys actually enjoy this. After all, at a grocery store, a guy will find two of his favorite things: food and beer. Even then, it's a quick trip. No searching for sales, no comparing prices. Just fill up a basket with chips and pizza and out the door he goes. If you see a guy spending a reasonable amount of time checking out produce, it's only because there is a particularly attractive female in the next aisle and he wants to a) check her out as inconspicuously as possible, and/or b) he's trying to impress her with his vast (but totally imagined) knowledge of fruit quality. Now for the shopping trip a guy will gladly go on, and even with a group of other guys. I'm talking about a quest here, the search for perfection, nirvana, and more power. Yes folks, I'm talking about a trip to Sears. There is not a guy in existence that does not know the electronics and power tool section of the local Sears like the back of his hand. He will drool for hours over a cordless drill he doesn't even know how to use. Babble on about how many watts a speaker can stand, even though to turn it all the way up will make his ears bleed. It's almost embarrassing to admit it, but I am guilty of these crimes myself, and I consider myself to be one of the more enlightened guys you could find. So don’t be too surprised when we grumble about being coerced into a trip to the Lady Gap. Just the fact that we are there should be enough to prove the lengths we go to just to make women happy.

A Few Questions My footsteps are hollow echoes off building walls Why bother going home? There’s nobody there. Whistling at shadows, wanting conversation. What’s the point in sleeping? I’ll only wake up. Once home, I plan for tomorrow’s workday. Again. What am I working for? I’m not getting anywhere.

When the Sharks Go A-Strolling When the sharks go a-strolling the reef’s a dismal place. Anenomies curl up tight and the clownfish hides his face. The corals close up shop and it’s a sad sad day indeed when the seahorses chomp their bits and the sea cows all stampede. “Oh, those nasty fangs!”, they cry “Oh, those long sharp teeth!” “Whatever shall I do, if they take a bite of me?” When the sharks go a-strolling the reef’s a dismal place. The octopi all run and hide and the clownfish hides his face. Starfish wink right out and dolphins cease their play but the sharks just keep a-strolling along their merry way.

guess what... i'm so bored... lol

Laundry day is one of the most dreaded days on the guy's calendar. It is so hated that many guys will live within a short distance of their parent's house just to get it done regularly. Laundry, and perhaps the need for a clean bathroom, has caused the downfall of many single guys. Marriage seemed to be the only way out. Fortunately, there are ways for us to avoid this evil fate. Here's how. Let's start with sorting. Most guys group their clothes into three categories: clean, not to bad (meaning still smells fresh enough to wear again), and needs to be dragged out back and shot. These various stages of cleanliness are usually distinguished from one another by sniffing (another really disgusting guy habit). Luckily, most of us get to them before they take on a life of their own and demand their own room (which they often get, by the way). That's where the major appliances come in. The washing machine. It's more than a place to tie-dye all those cool shirts you own. I will also clean them. I know, I know, this is an amazing claim, but if you toss in all of your smelly garments, add some of that fancy soap stuff, your clothes will come out smelling fresh. A word of caution, though, do not wash your new jeans and anything white at the same time. Unless you don't mind wearing baby blue underwear, and socks, and dress shirts.... you get the picture. Personally, I have found that a blue wardrobe is very easy to keep coordinated. Everything goes with everything else. The dryer is not the place where you warm your socks (clean or otherwise) on a cold winter's morning. That's what the oven is for. It will really dry your clothes that you washed in that other gadget, the washing machine, provided you don't overload it, and clean the lint trap (no, not your belly button, so don't even start). This is the easiest part of the laundry process. Almost nothing to distract you from the Bulls game. Just throw the wet stuff in, set the timer, start the machine, and that's it. Until you get to folding. I have yet to see a single guy that can fold clothes properly. If there is one out there, he's lying. He's got a woman stashed somewhere to do it for him. Either that, or he still lives with his mother and is likely to stay single for a very long time. Actually, it's not a bad deal, except for the living with his mother part. Most guys do not even bother with folding the clothes. Simply throw them into a basket, box, milk crate, or whatever they use, and just dig from there when they need something clean to wear. If in a public Laundromat, and an interesting female is present, the guy will linger to attempt to fold the clothes. This usually results in the female noticing his ineptitude and helping him out, which gives him a chance to get a phone number (one of the single guys major goals in life). For the most part, a guy lives by the maxim of wash and wear, then wear again, so be sure to be upwind whenever possible.

The Guy's Guide To Cooking: or All You Really Need In the Pantry is What You Can Eat Standing Over the Sink Menu planning isn't something that the guy really thinks about too hard. Except for the rare occasion when he's dining with someone special (and even then, it's easier to pay someone else to worry about it) guys will eat pretty much whatever is lying around. Only four things are required for a guy to have what he considers an effective kitchen. A refrigerator: mostly for beer but also to store frozen entrees, and to give that green fuzzy thing (recently named "Morty") a comfortable place to live. A can opener: the kind with a bottle opener on the other end is best. A fork: to get at the contents of the just-opened cans. A microwave oven: this serves it's factory recommended function of thawing the previously mentioned frozen entrees to a state of easier consumption, but also provide the guy with some entertainment. Just think of marshmallows or Gummi Bears... and if you want to see a guy giggle like a loon, just suggest putting a Gummi Bear on top of a marshmallow. Guaranteed results. When the guy eats, plates are optional. In fact, plate are just plain annoying. They require slightly more maintenance than the average guy is willing to deal with, namely, washing. This is time which could be spent doing something important, like watching football. It is much easier to pull the top off a can of ravioli and just dig right in. No fuss, no bother; just pasta wrapped beefy goodness. Clean up is a snap. Recycle the can, lick the fork clean, wipe on a towel (who am I kidding? a shirtsleeve), and put away. Meal presentation isn't something that is high on a guy's list of priorities. There is nothing appealing about a can of pork 'n beans with a fork stuck in it, unless you're a guy. "Heck, it don't look so good when yer done with it, so why make such an effort? It ain't art, it's lunch!" The closest thing to garnish in the guy's meal is the collection of stains on his shirt. Thankfully, most guys eat at home, alone, where the civilized world doesn't have to deal with them.

Well, let's see... i just woke up... kinda growly about it, as usual. starting week two of no day off at work. wondering if anyone will ever read this thing.... if not, oh well... i'll rant to myself... i guess that could be theraputic in it's own way. anyhow, what should i do with this blog? should i make it a journal of my extraordinarily boring life? should use it to post samples of my lame attempts at being a writer? should i develop a sense of righteous indignation and blast about things that just piss me off? perhaps be a bit random and do all of those things? yeah... i think that's the way to go. no structure. no set format. just put down whatever pops into my head from time to time. and if anyone actually does read this thing, please please please comment, have something to say. i'm here for some sort of interaction and conversation, although most times, the best i can hope for from the LC is to kill my boredom by checkin out profiles lookin for boobie pics. that's it for now. let's see what happens.