The Guy's Guide To Cooking:
or All You Really Need In the Pantry is What You Can Eat Standing Over the Sink
Menu planning isn't something that the guy really thinks about too
hard. Except for the rare occasion when he's dining with someone special (and
even then, it's easier to pay someone else to worry about it) guys
will eat pretty much whatever is lying around.
Only four things are required for a guy to have what he considers an
effective kitchen. A refrigerator: mostly for beer but also to store frozen
entrees, and to give that green fuzzy thing (recently named "Morty") a
comfortable place to live. A can opener: the kind with a bottle opener on the
other end is best. A fork: to get at the contents of the just-opened cans. A
microwave oven: this serves it's factory recommended function of thawing the
previously mentioned frozen entrees to a state of easier consumption, but also
provide the guy with some entertainment. Just think of marshmallows or
Gummi Bears... and if you want to see a guy giggle like a loon, just
suggest putting a Gummi Bear on top of a marshmallow. Guaranteed results.
When the guy eats, plates are optional. In fact, plate are just plain
annoying. They require slightly more maintenance than the average guy is
willing to deal with, namely, washing. This is time which could be spent doing
something important, like watching football. It is much easier to pull the top
off a can of ravioli and just dig right in. No fuss, no bother; just pasta
wrapped beefy goodness. Clean up is a snap. Recycle the can, lick the fork
clean, wipe on a towel (who am I kidding? a shirtsleeve), and put away.
Meal presentation isn't something that is high on a guy's list of
priorities. There is nothing appealing about a can of pork 'n beans with a fork
stuck in it, unless you're a guy. "Heck, it don't look so good when yer
done with it, so why make such an effort? It ain't art, it's lunch!" The closest
thing to garnish in the guy's meal is the collection of stains on his
shirt.
Thankfully, most guys eat at home, alone, where the civilized world
doesn't have to deal with them.
