Guys go Shopping:
or "Get Your Hand Off My Melon!"
If there's one thing that a guy considers to be a waste of valuable time,
it's shopping. The closest thing to a shopping trip that a guy can tolerate is
running to the gas station for another six-pack and some slim jims. The concept
of spending two hours in a store and leaving with only one pair of pants just
boggles the mind of most guys. If he wants pants, he goes in, grabs a
pair of blue jeans, pays, and walks out. End of trip. There is no thought put
into whether or not they go with anything, because a guy's wardrobe is almost
all blue, anyway. For most guys, there are only a few situations where a
shopping trip would be considered.
Condition one: he is dragged along by a significant other. This is the
closest most guys will get to Hell while they are still alive. Wandering through
the stores, constantly being asked their opinion on different outfits, when the
only outfit a guy is interested in seeing a girl in is either whipped cream, or
plastic wrap. The new shirts and pants are just not high on a guy's priority
list. It's even worse when he is asked his thoughts on lingerie in public. He
would be more than happy to demonstrate in the privacy of his own home (or in
the back of his car, for that matter), but in a crowded store is just too much
restraint for him to deal with.
The next shopping trip a guy will go on is grocery shopping. Some guys
actually enjoy this. After all, at a grocery store, a guy will find two of his
favorite things: food and beer. Even then, it's a quick trip. No searching for
sales, no comparing prices. Just fill up a basket with chips and pizza and out
the door he goes. If you see a guy spending a reasonable amount of time
checking out produce, it's only because there is a particularly attractive
female in the next aisle and he wants to a) check her out as inconspicuously as
possible, and/or b) he's trying to impress her with his vast (but totally
imagined) knowledge of fruit quality.
Now for the shopping trip a guy will gladly go on, and even with a group of
other guys. I'm talking about a quest here, the search for perfection, nirvana,
and more power. Yes folks, I'm talking about a trip to Sears. There is not a guy in existence that does not know the electronics and power tool section of the local Sears like the back of his hand. He will drool for hours over a cordless drill he doesn't even know how to use. Babble on about how many watts a speaker can stand, even though to turn it all the way up will make his ears bleed. It's almost embarrassing to admit it, but I am guilty of these crimes myself, and I consider myself to be one of the more enlightened guys you could find.
So don’t be too surprised when we grumble about being coerced into a trip to the Lady Gap. Just the fact that we are there should be enough to prove the lengths we go to just to make women happy.
