You Might Be A Metalhead
by C.J. Cain
The original concept - done in a different form by a stand-up comic - poked good-natured fun at the lifestyle of a certain group of people. What I offer here is not meant to belittle my fellow metal-brethren, but to serve as a badge of honor, an affirmation of one's commitment to the heavy lifestyle. You never "kind of like" metal; either you eat it, breathe it and sweat it, or you have no taste at all! Okay bangers, you might be a metalhead if...
1. You have ever incurred bodily injury fighting for a guitar pick, wristband, drum stick or any other concert-used memorabilia.
2. You have lived through at least one time period when metal was proclaimed "dead."
3. You have enough concert t-shirts to cover every day of the week (or month).
4. You've ever resorted to hiding things in your hair when going into a concert.
5. You blew off your prom because Krokus was in town that same night.
6. You saw Lita Ford play and were too into the music to have impure thoughts.
7. You've ever blown chunks at a concert and then gotten high-fives for doing so.
8. You ever wore anything leather to an outdoor metalfest in July.
9. You've ever shown your appreciation to the band during a concert by showing them your girlfriend's tits.
10. You rent/own more concert videos than pornos.
11. You much prefer the ambience of the small shops that sell music and "specialty items" than the mega-chains when buying music.
12. You still nostalgically watch your worn out tapes of "Headbanger's Ball."
13. You've been to concerts in at least three different states.
14. You've ever lost your girl/guy in the crowd at a concert and had a better time because of it.
15. You own the same recording in at least three different formats. (Bonus points for 8-track.)
16. You've ever gotten pissed at a chick in the crowd who threw her panties onstage, because she hit the guitarist and wrecked his concentration.
17. You can fall asleep with the headphones on and at full volume, because the music relaxes you.
18. You've ever had motorists laugh at you because they've seen you head-bangin' in your car, by yourself, and not given a shit.
19. Your idea of a perfect vacation would be to visit every place mentioned in "Girls, Girls, Girls".
20. The thought of watching or listening to anyone "unplugged" is enough to make you vomit.
