JUS PARTS OF WHAT THE SONG THAT KEEPS RUNNING THRU MY HEAD
All I wanted to do was stand close to you
Look into your eyes and say to you
I'm under some kind of spell
I'm mesmerized by you
I don't mean to stare
So please don t glare
There's a lustful flair
Growing deep inside
There's something screaming from your soul
I just want to be sure
I am trying to figure it out
Is it screaming at me, I so have my doubts
As I feel his controlling eyes burning thru me.
SCREAMING SOULS
Looking into others eyes
Reflections of their screaming souls
Wanting life that's not their own
The painful cries of things that are
The wanting of something more
Why do we live the life we live?
We do we sit in our own shit?
What makes us stay in our unhappiness?
When things we want are just a stare away
Looking at where we are
Our fears keep us sitting here in the dark
Not letting us reach out for
What it is we long to know
Something else we want to touch
Somewhere else we want to be
Someone else we could be.
Deep inside of all those eyes
I hear their sorrowed souls screaming
For what is there
If only they could hear
The others near them
Cry for what they want most
GOOD BYE
It's time to say ...
good bye to dreams ...
let go of all these fantasies
I told a friend I wanted more
the words I dread have closed a door
with remorse and no dignity
these words I said would never be
"Good bye" my friend, whom I love,
I've set you free ... to be free from me.
FEELING I HIDE INSIDE OF ME
I can feel his joy he's telling me of a new special lady in his life. My soul screams in pain "NO - YOU ARE KILLING ME HERE!"
His heart is all aflutter telling me of the times he has spent with her and the things they've done, the things she has said to him.
With each word I read on the screen, my heart, all my hopes, and dreams, shatter into millions of pieces, and like tear drops slowly one by one the pieces fall one at a time breaking into a million more, with every word of hope and joy he types to share his happiness.
My head is yelling " IF YOU WANTED TO MAKE ME JEALOUS, IT'S WORKING!"
He goes on and on about their dates, the things she'd said that makes his soul sing, the things he has done for her, that deep inside I'd wished he'd done for me, "IF YOU WANTED TO MAKE ME CRY, YOU'VE SUCCEEDED!"
Trying to pretend I am very happy for him, even my heart knows that this is all I really want for him ... is for him to find happiness even if I can't be the one to give it to him. "IF YOU WANTED TO BREAK MY HEART, YOU'VE DONE IT!"
Asking questions, glad he can't hear my voice, see my face, see the tears falling from my eyes, hear my soul screaming in shear pain, while my spirit is trying to keep us all together, picking up all the shattered pieces, "IF YOU WANTED TO PUSH ME AWAY, IT'S COMPLETED!"
How selfish of me, this I know.
Why is he in my life?
What is it I am supposed to know?
What is this lesson I am here to learn?
HARSH FEELINGS
Tears come to my eyes ... is it him is it you ..is just this life I see in front of me ... how can I tell a friend I have been pushed aside for someone else and the tears begin to fall ... I feel like such a fool thinking he really wanted only me ... I see him for the player he is and my heart has shattered for the last time ... I don't even want to pick up the pieces ... my head keeps telling my feet to run .. my guts keep telling me its just another game ... I want to hide and sometimes wish I never was never alive .. these feelings are so harsh ... it has to be different on the other side.
LETTER WRITTEN NEVER MEANT TO SEND
Sitting here, reflecting on where I've been and where I've gone, things I've learned, things I've done and where I want to go. Wishing I could only see what’s right here before me. I've seen the past and wished I knew the reason why we crossed paths. Three years are more you interested me and things began to grow. was it only me? Or was there something more? We shared some things, I prolly more, you shared one thing that helped me grow your three words are always there. They resonate in my head, and I can never let them go "Life's too short", and now I know the things I want to do, but I'm not sure how to go about the life I think about, and if your even interested in being there. Some where when I finally walk out the door ... I'm not sure I have that trust anymore ... I know your moving on with your life . .. that's not what scares me most, but know that I many never have a chance to be the one I've dreamed wanting to be - you're #1. I fear you'll find someone and I'll feel you holding her. I tear knowing you're looking for that special someone, I selfishly want it to be me. It's not fair of me to even think that you'd wait for me. I only have a fantasy of being the one you hold in your dreams and part of your daily schemes. I fear I've only been a pain, or piece of your game, someone who was there when you were bored .. not wanting to scare you .. I just cherished the moments you shared with me. I only ask you in the end ... that with all this said and done that THIS when you walk away ... will always stay ONLY WITH YOU. I can not express anymore now foolish I've become and I hope that this will never be anything more than what I wanted it to be. I never wanted to cause you pain, just wanted more then you could give, and I'm just a dreamier wanting more then I can have ... wanting more then could ever be.
FRIENDS
Friendships start with
Open hands
Open hearts and an
Open minds
Friends are here to help you
When things in life just don't seem right,
When life not quite what it should be,
When searching for all the answers,
And you can’t seem to find any of the right answers.
When your troubles seem to keep pulling you down,
You need to turn and look around
To see who’s there with open hands
To help you carry that heavy load you cannot bear anymore,
An open heart to understand and
Let you pour out all the pain in your heart,
Empty the burdens in your mind
And to remind you you're never in this life alone.
There is always a friend with
Open hands
Open heart and an
Open mind.
WISHING
Feeling blue because I'm missing you
Wishing you missed me too
Wishing things could be so different
Wishing I didn't feel this way
Wishing my emotions would cruise the ocean
Wishing my tears would all disappear
Wishing I could get rid of all my fears
Wishing all this stuff . . .
I feel, see and dream . . .
Really wasn't a part of me
WHAT IS IT?
What is it about you that makes me feel so young again?
What is it about you that makes me feel all giddy inside?
What is it about you that makes me feel so insecure?
What is it about me that I don't want to say good-bye to you?
What is it about me that I don't feel committed to anyone when I'm with you?
What is it about me that the world disappears when we chat on line?
What is it about me that I can't seem to catch my breath?
What is it about you that makes my heart go all a flutter?
What is it about me that I long to be in your arms to hear your voice to feel your lips on mine?
What is it about me that I can’t stop this crazy obsession, you're like an addiction, and I never seem to get enough?
What is it about you?
What is it about me?
JUST
Just to see you on line ... brings a smile
Just to know what you shared ... makes all those times worth while
Just to know how you feel ... makes me relieved
Just to share a dream ... lets me believe
Just to let you know ... I'll understand, please tell me, if I ever get in your way.
LESSONS
After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul..
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head held up, and your eyes wide open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on today’s because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
SO plant your own garden, and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
JUST ANOTHER LOVE POEM
Sitting here
Missing you
Knowing you
Don't really care
My hearts breaking
Dreams fading
Tears falling
My hearts calling out to you
Wishing you only knew
How true my love is for you
STUCK
Feeling frustrated
Stuck in my own muck
Things need to change
But I am not sure
What it is I am
Truly to change
Discontentment
A restless uneasiness
Struggling within myself
To find some kind of happiness.
MY BROKEN HEART
It's time to stop wishin on this fantasy
This dream that will never be
Am I giving this up?
Yes it is time to toss it away
It's the reality that I know it will never come my way.
As hard as I try
I still sit here and cry
This dream, this fantasy felt so real to me
It is very hard to admit that it's only just a dream
It's not reality or even truly a part of me.
SILENCE
Your silence says it all ...
No responses, not even a wow ...
Without saying or doing a thing ...
You've shown me everything!
I have no choice but to turn and walk away ...
with absolutely no regrets ...
but not without any tears or memories.