Happy Birthday to the one who taught….me about life, how to love, to live, to feel pain, experience broken promises, and dreams.  My 1^st broken heart, feel the rage of jealously, to never trust another man, to allow emotions I was never allowed to feel to pour freely from the depths of my hidden soul.  You taught me patience, how to control my emotions, how to forgive but never forget.  You taught me without ever knowing the true meaning of unconditional love and acceptance. Without you coming into my life I would not be the woman I am today.  Though you came in and out of my life like an unexpected storm, staying long enough just to cause enough damage to allow all those  emotions for me to struggle with again, and off you left to experience all those “spices” of life, leaving me alone with those feelings again.  

 

The good and the bad memories have fallen upon me once again . . . the “cotton flower” that you ran out into the middle of a field to pick for me.  You handed me the flower telling me this was the best flower because it will last forever and never die … kissing me … and whispering … like my love for you.  Many times you’ve called me your “rock”, we communicated through unspoken words; through dreams you came to visit me, calling me to see if I heard the words you spoke to me.   So many memories in between from then to when you gave me away … from across the bar … you sent me away … said I was crowding you … I needed to go away … Home I went … rejected again … knowing you were leaving soon.  You approached the one I’m with now … not truly knowing who he was … told him “she deserves much more then me … I can’t give her what she needs … she means the world to me .. she’s my rock you see … I love her but don’t tell her so … my life is not for her … I only hurt her when I’m here … variety is what I need … she needs someone to care for her .. some one who can give her more … she’s worth it man … take care of her … don’t ever let her go.  David sat and talked with you … pretending that he didn’t know who you were or who I am … taking in everything you had to say about me. 

 

You stayed away for many years … our son wanted to see his dad … contacts were made and we met … you couldn’t believe I remarried again … the man you told to take care of me … you told me the story and said I didn’t think anyone would take me serious.  I could see the hurt in your eyes … especially when you saw the lil one by my side.  You continued for years to fill me full of empty hopes and lies … phone calls telling me how much you loved you’re “Niecee” so.   You allowed the devil many years ago to take your soul… disease and substance abuse was all you had.  I turned my back on you this time… I couldn’t let you know the truth… regrets yes there are a few, would I take this ride again?  HELL YA!!!  I wouldn’t  be who I am today… If you didn’t teach me about life along the way. 

 

When you died all I could do was laugh and celebrate you were gone and out of pain … your birthday comes … you’d be 52 and I can only feel blue.  You never were a man to me … just a boy who loved variety.  Tears fall down my face . . . my soul screams … I miss you more then you’ll ever know … you’re the one who rocked my world … I can never feel you again!  You told me to live my life, be happy … “variety is the spice of life” … I’m trying to follow through … but lessons learned have scared me so … sometimes I’m even afraid to move. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIM,  you fucken asshole!   =) 

You got me down on my knees

Don't make me plead any more

You're makin me wishin for more then huggin and kissin

Let me know you can please

Has much as you tease

Let me slide in between your thighs

Let me know there is more then your promise and lies

Fuck, let's just get satisfied!

User Post: 8 tips for liking someone better (or disliking that person less)

user

Eight tips for liking someone better (or disliking that person less).

Look at me with lust in your eyes

Smile like I make you happy

Lean against me like you need me

Kiss me like you want me

Hold me like you mean it

Tell me that you enjoy it

without using any words.

 

Show me your dreams

Share your hopes

Let me see just a small

glimpse of your world

I'll surrender my heart

open up and allow you

to touch my soul

If you'll let me teach you

uncondtional love.

Something I haven't told many in here ... some of my friends know. I have had 2 major accidents in the past 12 years and my last surgery really messed up my neck. I get really bad headaches, and sometimes can't even get up out of the bed .. anyways I am not whinning or complaining .. I am very grateful to be alive! I was hit by an 18 wheeler while sitting in my own drive way and he hit us on my side of the car. The car was completely turned around and moved over 100 ft from where we were sitting. I was preggy with my almost 12 yr old. He was fine, I had a neck injury that they couldn't do anything for until after I had him. I had a 5 inch gash on my head and my head hit my mom's chest so hard from the impact that it bruised her heart. My kids were all with me, we all walked out except my mom who had suffered a heart attack and was kept in the hospital for several days. They released me and was monitored every day for a few wks by my ob/gyn. and suffered black outs and lost all control of my hands. I couldn't even hold my baby unless I was sitting cuz I would drop him. Surgery fixed me took me 2 yrs to get back to be able to live life like a normal person. I had to learn how to write all over again. Feeling better and moving on with my life, was moving back to the farm and one sunday changed my life again. I was in a head on and the people working the scene couldn't believe that I survived this and had no cuts, but the other injuries they didn't see were the ones that still haunt me. I messed up my neck, broke my sternum and ribs, from the air bag and steering wheel that I was pinned up against. I didn't walk away from this accident like I did the other one. I stayed drugged from the pain for 3 months and did physical theraphy for a yr before they did surgery. Which is messed up .. so when I say I have a loose screw ..literally I do with my expensive jewerly lol ... titanium plate and screws to hold my head on my shoulders ... but like I said .. I'm not complaining ... I am thankful I have been giving another chance to live again! The beautiful scars on my neck are my beautiful reminders I have been given another chance to live again!

I had planned another lonely night of going out to the clubs and hoping to run into people I have meet this year and enjoyed the music of the night … I just couldn’t decide where to go and since all this is new to me again … it’s been over 20 years since I’ve gone out by myself, for that fact gone out to clubs unless with friends as a “girl’s night out”… this is different. I couldn’t decide where I wanted to go … so I decided to go hang out with my sister who I haven’t spent time with just us in about 6 months. We went to a mall and the movies. We walked the mall as they were closing up .. mostly just to talk and walk. We go into in the movie, sit down and watch the commercials and chat while we wait for the movie to start. A lil back ground before I go into the depth of the story .. I am very open minded and liberal about people, lifestyles, sex, partners … and feel I am not one to judge others quickly. My sister works for an AIDS outreach program so you know her views are much more open then mine … she hears all … sees all and is prolly more street wise to gay society then I am. I haven’t been to a movie at night in almost 2 yrs .. yeah I’m cheap and don’t go to the movies unless it’s discount priced … I feel night movies especially after 10pm is for adults only, no kids, dates, etc … and this is why…. 30 minutes into the movie a couple comes and sits right in front of us, ok there is only like 20 people max in the theater we are in … let me define the couple … 2 males … so I whisper to my sis .. why directly in front of us there has to be at least 10 open rows … and at least another 100 seats to choose from … she smiles … well I readjust myself in my seat to see of the guys head … I watch the movie not pay attention whats going on in front of us. There is a quiet moment in the movie .. and there was a slurping sound … and a moan … I looked I’m sure with wide eyes to my sis and she says very loudly … “I HOPE THEY ARE USING A CONDOM!” I hear people snicker in the movie theater … they had to be too far away to hear what we heard and knew what was goin on in front of us. So I try not to pay attention and watch the movie … before the movie ended the couple slides out as quickly as they came in. My sister made some comment wanting to know if they were clients .. I said just cuz someone is gay doesn’t mean they have AIDS … she just rolled her eyes at me. I sat there while we watched the credits … and was thinking … in my younger days … I would have giggled … but I grew up in the “drive Inn” times and making out in the car was expected and normal … teehee! Soooo this is why my kids don’t go to the movies at night! I smile and think of a few friends and know … they have told me that is what goin to the movies is all about.

Why is it that I still think of you? Why is it tears fall when I do? Why is it that my heart rains? My soul screams? Why is it that I want to be with you? Why is it I can't forget about being with you? Why is it that there is this feeling deep inside of me that won't let me forget about you? Wh is it you?

HOT SUMMER DAY The neighborhood was busy that typical early Saturday morning with the humming of lawn mowers, buzzing of weed eaters, water splashing on the streets and the neighbors all working like little bees trying to be better then the other. The single, light brown haired, blue eyed, tall, tanned man who lived in the well kept house at the end of the cul-de-sac, sits on his front porch, in his bathrobe, drinking coffee and reading the paper. He quietly but attentively sat and watched one of his neighbors, a beautiful, petite, dark haired, green eyed neighbor working in her flower bed. She sat there in the dirt, in her cut off shorts and tightly fitted tank top, digging and planting her flowers. She would change position often as she moved through the flower bed pulling weeds and planting the new plants and flowers. Looking around often to acknowledge the fact that she knew he was watching her every move. She would get up on all four and crawl from place to place to make sure she teased him in every way she could. Knowing he must get pleasure out of her watching him watching her, she stops and stares while he pretends to drink out of his empty cup never taking his eyes off of her. She smiles, licks her lips and shyly turns away and plants another flower. The sun shines brightly on her and the warmth is beginning to make her glisten. She stands, wipes her muddy hands on her ass and walks over to the water spout and turns it on. She puts the hose carefully between her thighs and washes her hands. Carefully runs the water over her face and the back of her neck, takes a drink, runs the water up and down her legs and her feet. She takes one last drink as she watches, water running down her chin and chest making her shirt stick against her skin, she smiles as he squirm in his chair. She turns to turn off the water, looking back at him walks around the corner into the garage. She stands in the garage and watches through the window to see if he is still there on his porch or has he lost interest and went inside. He sits waiting with anticipation and smiles has she come back out of the garage, he notices she has something in her hand, but can't make it out. She wrestles with a wrapper, puts it in her pocket. Watching her every move he watches her put her hair up on the top of her head in a messy heap with a clip. He watches her sit down in the dirt again, knees bent, legs slightly apart, elbows resting on her knees, looks at her face and smiles. She has a Popsicle sticking out of her mouth. She slowly takes it out of her mouth and like a child she licks every inch of it quickly. Takes her eyes off the Popsicle and stares without any hesitations at the beautiful well tanned man from across the street. Smiles and slowly licks the Popsicle from stick to tip, twisting it and turning it making sure she doesn't miss any of it. She slowly slides the cold Popsicle in and out of her hot wet mouth, only stopping to give a little suck at the very end of the Popsicle before sliding back into her mouth. The warm sun has begun to make her Popsicle melt and the drips run down her chin, hands and arms. She quickly takes the Popsicle and moves it faster in and out of her mouth sucking a little harder, trying to savor every last drop. Smiling with every lick and suck, and enjoying her knowing he takes pleasure in her tease. She licks and struggles with the last piece that has fallen off the stick as it drips down her arms onto her inner thighs. She sucks the small pieces that she holds between her fingers and then licks her lips and fingers one last time. She looks down to see the colored mess, looks up at him and he is sitting on the edge of his chair, licking his lips, and adjust his bathrobe. She stands still licking her fingers and walks over to turn on the water and washes her hands, face, and arms, and legs. Turns facing him, letting her hair down and slowly lets the water run down her front and she watches him has she soaks herself, turns and lets the water run down her back. She turns and watches him, hoping he will come over and join her play in the water. He stands, adjusts his bathrobe, smiles at her, opens his hand and glances at his front door (OH AND BTW IF YOU WANT TO ADD ON YOU CAN) :)

JUS PARTS OF WHAT THE SONG THAT KEEPS RUNNING THRU MY HEAD All I wanted to do was stand close to you Look into your eyes and say to you I'm under some kind of spell I'm mesmerized by you I don't mean to stare So please don t glare There's a lustful flair Growing deep inside There's something screaming from your soul I just want to be sure I am trying to figure it out Is it screaming at me, I so have my doubts As I feel his controlling eyes burning thru me. SCREAMING SOULS Looking into others eyes Reflections of their screaming souls Wanting life that's not their own The painful cries of things that are The wanting of something more Why do we live the life we live? We do we sit in our own shit? What makes us stay in our unhappiness? When things we want are just a stare away Looking at where we are Our fears keep us sitting here in the dark Not letting us reach out for What it is we long to know Something else we want to touch Somewhere else we want to be Someone else we could be. Deep inside of all those eyes I hear their sorrowed souls screaming For what is there If only they could hear The others near them Cry for what they want most GOOD BYE It's time to say ... good bye to dreams ... let go of all these fantasies I told a friend I wanted more the words I dread have closed a door with remorse and no dignity these words I said would never be "Good bye" my friend, whom I love, I've set you free ... to be free from me. FEELING I HIDE INSIDE OF ME I can feel his joy he's telling me of a new special lady in his life. My soul screams in pain "NO - YOU ARE KILLING ME HERE!" His heart is all aflutter telling me of the times he has spent with her and the things they've done, the things she has said to him. With each word I read on the screen, my heart, all my hopes, and dreams, shatter into millions of pieces, and like tear drops slowly one by one the pieces fall one at a time breaking into a million more, with every word of hope and joy he types to share his happiness. My head is yelling " IF YOU WANTED TO MAKE ME JEALOUS, IT'S WORKING!" He goes on and on about their dates, the things she'd said that makes his soul sing, the things he has done for her, that deep inside I'd wished he'd done for me, "IF YOU WANTED TO MAKE ME CRY, YOU'VE SUCCEEDED!" Trying to pretend I am very happy for him, even my heart knows that this is all I really want for him ... is for him to find happiness even if I can't be the one to give it to him. "IF YOU WANTED TO BREAK MY HEART, YOU'VE DONE IT!" Asking questions, glad he can't hear my voice, see my face, see the tears falling from my eyes, hear my soul screaming in shear pain, while my spirit is trying to keep us all together, picking up all the shattered pieces, "IF YOU WANTED TO PUSH ME AWAY, IT'S COMPLETED!" How selfish of me, this I know. Why is he in my life? What is it I am supposed to know? What is this lesson I am here to learn? HARSH FEELINGS Tears come to my eyes ... is it him is it you ..is just this life I see in front of me ... how can I tell a friend I have been pushed aside for someone else and the tears begin to fall ... I feel like such a fool thinking he really wanted only me ... I see him for the player he is and my heart has shattered for the last time ... I don't even want to pick up the pieces ... my head keeps telling my feet to run .. my guts keep telling me its just another game ... I want to hide and sometimes wish I never was never alive .. these feelings are so harsh ... it has to be different on the other side. LETTER WRITTEN NEVER MEANT TO SEND Sitting here, reflecting on where I've been and where I've gone, things I've learned, things I've done and where I want to go. Wishing I could only see what’s right here before me. I've seen the past and wished I knew the reason why we crossed paths. Three years are more you interested me and things began to grow. was it only me? Or was there something more? We shared some things, I prolly more, you shared one thing that helped me grow your three words are always there. They resonate in my head, and I can never let them go "Life's too short", and now I know the things I want to do, but I'm not sure how to go about the life I think about, and if your even interested in being there. Some where when I finally walk out the door ... I'm not sure I have that trust anymore ... I know your moving on with your life . .. that's not what scares me most, but know that I many never have a chance to be the one I've dreamed wanting to be - you're #1. I fear you'll find someone and I'll feel you holding her. I tear knowing you're looking for that special someone, I selfishly want it to be me. It's not fair of me to even think that you'd wait for me. I only have a fantasy of being the one you hold in your dreams and part of your daily schemes. I fear I've only been a pain, or piece of your game, someone who was there when you were bored .. not wanting to scare you .. I just cherished the moments you shared with me. I only ask you in the end ... that with all this said and done that THIS when you walk away ... will always stay ONLY WITH YOU. I can not express anymore now foolish I've become and I hope that this will never be anything more than what I wanted it to be. I never wanted to cause you pain, just wanted more then you could give, and I'm just a dreamier wanting more then I can have ... wanting more then could ever be. FRIENDS Friendships start with Open hands Open hearts and an Open minds Friends are here to help you When things in life just don't seem right, When life not quite what it should be, When searching for all the answers, And you can’t seem to find any of the right answers. When your troubles seem to keep pulling you down, You need to turn and look around To see who’s there with open hands To help you carry that heavy load you cannot bear anymore, An open heart to understand and Let you pour out all the pain in your heart, Empty the burdens in your mind And to remind you you're never in this life alone. There is always a friend with Open hands Open heart and an Open mind. WISHING Feeling blue because I'm missing you Wishing you missed me too Wishing things could be so different Wishing I didn't feel this way Wishing my emotions would cruise the ocean Wishing my tears would all disappear Wishing I could get rid of all my fears Wishing all this stuff . . . I feel, see and dream . . . Really wasn't a part of me WHAT IS IT? What is it about you that makes me feel so young again? What is it about you that makes me feel all giddy inside? What is it about you that makes me feel so insecure? What is it about me that I don't want to say good-bye to you? What is it about me that I don't feel committed to anyone when I'm with you? What is it about me that the world disappears when we chat on line? What is it about me that I can't seem to catch my breath? What is it about you that makes my heart go all a flutter? What is it about me that I long to be in your arms to hear your voice to feel your lips on mine? What is it about me that I can’t stop this crazy obsession, you're like an addiction, and I never seem to get enough? What is it about you? What is it about me? JUST Just to see you on line ... brings a smile Just to know what you shared ... makes all those times worth while Just to know how you feel ... makes me relieved Just to share a dream ... lets me believe Just to let you know ... I'll understand, please tell me, if I ever get in your way. LESSONS After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.. And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. And you begin to accept your defeats with your head held up, and your eyes wide open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child. And you learn to build all your roads on today’s because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. SO plant your own garden, and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. JUST ANOTHER LOVE POEM Sitting here Missing you Knowing you Don't really care My hearts breaking Dreams fading Tears falling My hearts calling out to you Wishing you only knew How true my love is for you STUCK Feeling frustrated Stuck in my own muck Things need to change But I am not sure What it is I am Truly to change Discontentment A restless uneasiness Struggling within myself To find some kind of happiness. MY BROKEN HEART It's time to stop wishin on this fantasy This dream that will never be Am I giving this up? Yes it is time to toss it away It's the reality that I know it will never come my way. As hard as I try I still sit here and cry This dream, this fantasy felt so real to me It is very hard to admit that it's only just a dream It's not reality or even truly a part of me. SILENCE Your silence says it all ... No responses, not even a wow ... Without saying or doing a thing ... You've shown me everything! I have no choice but to turn and walk away ... with absolutely no regrets ... but not without any tears or memories.