Runningwolf's blog: "Newbie"

Not much going on today. Yesterday was kinda quiet too. Sunday was a bad day for just about everyone I think. Bryan hasn't walked away from this. I think it scared him and he didn't know how to react but we worked that out. I can't blast him for his reaction - everyone reacts differently & this was one big bomb I dropped. At first I told him I was coming by to get my stuff that I couldnt take th bs one more day but I knew that wasn't what I wanted. I was responding out of emotion too. I got there & we talked. He said if he could take my pain away so I wouldn't have to feel it then he'd do it. It just sucks that you find someone 25 yrs after losing each other only to be dealt with this kind of hand. Its just not right. My sister is intervening to get some of the responsibility off my lap. I love the fact that she cares enough to just step in because I would never be able to ask for her help. We have a large family but very dysfunctional. Only a small group of us know what the true meaning of family really is. She's talked to the kids about how serious all this is. I'm not so sure Cherie gets it. I just need help even with the basic things around here so I'm not so wore out all the time. My dr put me on Ativan to help calm me down - so by the way if I say something that doesn't make sense or even stupid typo's, tha'ts why. Just learn to read typonese lol. I've been doing alot of driving around, spending alot of time by myself sitting at the river, thinking. I don't have a beach to sit on bt the river can actually be a pretty peaceful place. I tried starting a journal but all I had were scrap envelopes to write on so I worked with what I had. Later on leave it to my sister to come up with a journal to give me. Blogging or typing is fine but I've found writing is more therapeutic so I think I'll be going through alot of journals. I could just write in notebooks but I'm picky about what I write in believe it or not. I'm a lefty so I can't write on paper with no lines or that college ruled loose leaf paper. It has to be like wide lined paper - go figure huh!! LOL!! Just one of those odd facts about me if anyone cares. HEE HEE. My sister is going above & beyond when I ws terrified Id hve to go thru this absolutely alone & I can never thank her enough. It brings me to tears just thinking about it. I'm so thankful because without that support I really don't think I would even want to go on fighting because to say its overwhelming is a massive understatement, but at the same time she has her life and I really feel like I'm barging into hers like I can't manage my own. I don't know how to explain it. I've always been dependent on myself, i've never asked for help even when i probably should have and now I dont knowhow. But she took the bull by the horns in talking to the girls, getting Caiti's work to change her hours, figuring out transportation so I'm not the one doing all the back & forth driving twice a day and working on babysitting for Cass. She said simply she's going to be the big sister for a while like it or not. I don't want to give up watching Cass altogether until I absolutely have to because I get to enjoy all her 'firsts' and our time is so special, but its definitely getting harder right now doing it everyday. I just wouldn't have said anything because I want to do my share in helping until I get a job. Which brings on a whole new set of worries... who the hell is gonna hire me now?? I might have to have this surgery and my unemployment will expire the end of May. What then?? Do I say "yeah I can start now but I'm gonna have surgery & I'll need eh, about 6-9 months off"....yeah right. Everytime I think about it I can't help but just totally freaking out. Who's gonna give a job to someone in my predicament. If I don't get approved for disability how the hell am I gonna keep paying the rent and utilities for this house?? This is how I freak myself out and who wouldn't?? Enough of that...time for a subject change. Caiti surprised me the other night. They were looking for me & found me at the river & asked me to meet them at Kohls. Caiti had an extra $300 and said she was taking me on a guilt-free shopping spree. I said no way, I felt bad about that - this is HER money, she works for it to provide for her & Cassidy and I didn't feel right taking it but she insisted they have all they need & she still has 2 more days of work before her days off to get plenty more. And that kid knows just what I like and DAMN can she find the bargains! She got me a purse that is so me its not even funny, a pair of jeans that have this kick ass fit...I think my butt actually looks good in them! LOL!! . a nightgown and robe that are both hospital friendly; 2 nice picture frames - one is a gramma frame & the other is family. I want to get a pic taken of all of us including my sister, niece & her 2 kids cus we ARE family. Then last week I was bitching at Walmart looking for bras cus I hate underwire & everything else is beige...Caiti found Bali bras on sale 1/2 off - in pink and blue! LOL!! So now I have 2 new bras in pink and blue! Yay me!! While we were there I saw this gorgeous sapphire ring. I've wanted a sapphire ring for at least 20 yrs but I'm real picky about the type I want. I've seen lots over the years but they were never "the one" then I'd find one and my wallet would say "VERYYYY FUNNY" LOL. I finally found one so I showed it to the girls and told them if they could swing it, I'd LOVE to have that ring for Mothers Day & they said they would make it happen between them. Caiti said she was gonna try some jeans on so I took Cass around in the stroller. Caiti actually went and got the ring! It was on sale for $100 and you could buy either the necklace or earrings for $1.00! So she got me BOTH the ring AND the necklace!! I cried right there!! I didn't know what to say! She said we've always bought them things they wanted when I had the money and now it was my turn. This just made my week and the gesture alone speaks volumes! Who else but my kids would do this for me??? I tried to copy /paste right to my blog but it won't let me so I'll add them to my photos. Please look at them...they're just stunning to me. All I do is sit here and stare at my ring LOL. And not to sound morbid but if anything ever happens to me then I want these passed down to Cass on her 15th birthday. That was something I did with the girls. I would get them a nice ring either gemstone or diamond on their 15th birthday as their first REAL piece of bling. It was just a tradition I decided to start and I want to see it continue. And if by chance I am around then I can get her her first piece of nice jewelry myself. I had to go to the hospital here yesterday to pick up the cat scan results to take to Barnes Hospital. A report came with it but even with a dictionary I could barely decipher it. IF I read things right though it appears it's probably cancer but it doesnt look like its mestatasized anywhere else and its smaller than the pancreas itself so if it results in surgery, I hope it gets it. Its definitely way bigger than the cyst they found 2 yrs ago and its definitely a mass - neither of which is good but I knew that. I'm guessing I'll probably have to have chemo or radiation as an extra insurance poiicy but of course I'm just speculating. It's gonna get up to 80 today and Cherie's decided NOT to be home to watch Cassidy so later on when Caiti goes to work Im taking Cassidy to the park. I can't wait. I guess now that she has a car she has a newfound freedom - which I admit I would be going thru the same thing. I just hope she sees that this has to be a group effort. I'd love to be able to say I can do it all by myself but I think I've proven I can't and believe me you have NO idea how much I hate that -that was a tough pill to swallow and its killing me. I want to play in the yard SO bad to plant my flowers and get my hands dirty. That's my link to sanity so I gotta figure out a way. Enough yapping for today. 5 days til St. Louis. God Bless oh and Happy St. Patty's Day!

I haven't been here alot lately other than the occasional stop in to say hi to a few people. Things have been pretty crazy. For a minute life was looking up when an old b/f I dated 25 yrs ago from high school tracked me down after trying off and on to find me that entire time! He was always the "one who got away" and it was nothing short of a fairy tale or something from a Lifetime movie. I've been on cloud 9!! I couldn't begin to explain how happy I've been! A also couldn't help but think nothing in my life stays great for long, there's another shoe to drop somewhere. It just wasn't the one I expected. Alot of my friends know I had and beat kidney cancer several years ago. I also had a scare 2 yrs ago with pancreatic cancer. Luckily it was a fluid filled cyst 1mmx2mm. I was told they needed to watch it because it could easily turn on me into pancreatic cancer & even if it doesn't I was looking at a whipple procedure to make sure it doesn't. A whipple is a major surgery that removes the pancreas, part of the stomach, part of the small intestines & gall bladder. Then they piece it all back together. You're in the hospital for 2 wks & recovery time is "months". As the surgeon said, "when it comes to surgery it's the grandaddy of them all". 2 wks ago I had a CAT scan done. I had a bad feeling something was gonna come out because the abdominal pain won't let up for nothing and in the past 18 months I've lost about 80 lbs without trying. That's impossible for me. The dr called me on his day off - I knew that was bad. The cyst didn't return but a mass has returned in its place and its bad. It's 1" in diameter - way bigger than the previous cyst. There may be a cyst inside the mass but the mass itself is truly a mass and its in the head of the pancreas which is in the absolute worst place of the pancreas. (Think of Patrick Swayze). So now I have an appt at Barnes Hospital in St. Louis on 3/23 to meet with a cancer surgeon. That's about 2 hrs from here. The drs here aren't capable of handling something this big and this surgeon is supposedly the best one there. They may want to do an endoscopic ultrasound but either way I'm probably going to have a Whipple then possibly chemo and radiation. (Just google Whipple Procedure) Yes I'm scared to death, especially with my respiratory problems and Factor V (blood clotting) which I have to take blood thinners for indefinitely or I get blood clots in the leg and pulmonary emobolisms that go thru the heart & lung. Yesterday they gave me Ativan to try & calm me down but I bust out bawling with no warning and yesterday I got honked & yelled at, not realizing I was driving down the wrong way of a one way street. Nice job. Plus the timing couldn't be any worse when I'm out of a job, my unemployment will run out soon & I don't know if I'll get approved for medicaid. Who the hell is gonna hire me for any kind of job now??? I don't know how I'm going to keep a roof over our heads or anything else. Prior to the surgery I have to replace my blood thinner pills with Lovenox injections 2 wks prior & for as long as I'm on bedrest - those shots are $1500 for a 1 day supply (2 injections). Unreal huh. I thought my kidney cancer was bad enough, I lost a kidney over that and I thought I'd beat it for good but this is a new beast altogether. And I'm running through all the emotions too. I'm so scared, I want to know why, I have too much left to do, I have a grandbaby I want to see grow up, I have a man in my life that I want to spend many more years with, i want to see my daughters accomplish their dreams. I dont want to get cheated out of all that. I've never been a religous person, maybe that's why. I'm not even sure I should post this in a blog here but I have to get it out and I don' want to keep my friends in the dark. I may make this & my myspace my official journals for the purpose of venting & keeping friends updated. It helps me too so I don't have to send the same email over and over. For now I just need alot of emotional support and a prayer or too. I'll just have to take it as it comes and hope my appt on the 23rd has a rainbow somewhere instead of another train. Love you all, Chris

We lost our Shelby yesterday. She was a beautiful Shelty that we had from the time she was a pup. She was a rambunctious yet the most loyal dog you could ever want and I feel like I let her down. I had to make the toughest decision nobody should have to make. In the end Shelby was always loyal and loving. She was a member of the family, not just a pet and she shouldn't have to live in misery - yet I can't stop wondering if we gave up too soon even though the vet said it was the right choice. Everything just happened so fast that my head is still spinning. Shelby started getting sick last Monday. She vomited several times during the day. Things spiraled out of control very quickly. It went from vomiting to doing nothing but laying around. She wouldn't even get up to get her ice cube when she heard me at the freezer. Then she quit eating completely. I couldn't even bribe her with her favorite treats, not even bologna. Then we'd let her outside to potty, she almost fainted once & we had to catch her or she would have fallen off the porch. She could barely get back up the 2 steps to get back into the house. Then we saw that her urine was damn near blood red. Talk about scary. We took her to the vet and they immediately admitted her to run tests, etc. During the night she had drank some water but the vomiting started up again so she wasn't holding fluids down any longer. In order to keep her hydrated they had to give her fluids subcutaneously. She tolerated that but in the meantime she still refused to eat and her gums and eyes turned jaundiced after she was admitted which was just another bad sign to add to what was already going on. The labwork definitely showed serious liver problems. They just didn't know what was causing it. It could have been her arthritis medication, it could have been liver disease or she could have gotten into something that poisoned her - although I don't know what that would have been because she was always a house dog. I only let her out to potty or to walk her when the weather is nice. I can't help but think it was the arthritis medication which after researching I found that NSAIDS in dogs can cause serious and irreversible liver problems. Her labwork also confirmed serious problems. In one of the tests (I can't remember which), normal results are between 0.1-0.6...Shelby's was over 6,000. This was the case with all of the tests related to her liver. The vet decided to continue what he was already doing but he didn't hold out any hope. I had an appt yesterday morning and initially I was going to call afterwards but then I told him I was going to stop in instead because I wanted to see her. He said that would be better because he wanted to have a discussion with me and I knew what that meant. After relaying everything back to Caiti & Cherie (my daughters), they both decided they wanted to go in with me. I felt it was a good idea under the circumstances. When we went in, the vet said nothing had changed for the better and she was becoming more jaundiced. We all knew it was time to make a decision, I just couldn't figure out what needed to be done. I would ask the vet for his opinion and he just danced around it which made me think maybe it wasn't necessary to stop treatment. I finally told him I wasn't asking him to make the decision for me but I had to have all the information I needed to make that decision because changing your mind afterwards is not an option. I didn't want Shelby to suffer but I sure didn't want to give up if there was a chance that things could turn around. He told me he didn't see it happening. If she were much younger and didn't have arthritis so bad then it would be a different story. But she's 10 yrs old and with her arthritis she's miserable without medication yet she can't take it either because of the liver damage. All of which would just compound each other. Plus her liver was so far gone it was pretty much beyond reversing. She probably could have gone home but she had already been a week without eating, she was vomiting, she couldn't get around & couldn't hold water down by mouth. I knew if we took her home to die we wouldn't be able to handle seeing it happen or getting up in the morning to discover her gone. After more discussion, the vet assured us that putting her down was the most humane thing to do, there really wasn't much hope of anything turning around and the girls both agreed - I wanted it to be a group decision which helped them talk it out. I had to put down my last dog, Sierra, a few yrs ago but the circumstances were different, she was much older, she had suffered a massive brain hemorrhage with back to back seizures & we had already had Shelby for about 3 yrs as well as my ex's Lab so although I was losing Sierra, I wasn't going back home to an empty house. This time was completely different. I'm divorced now so my ex took his dog when we split up and of course Sierra was gone. I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to come back home. We made our decision & Caiti had to leave the room at this point - I couldn't blame her. I said goodbye to Shelby but I couldn't handle it after the first shot & became a mess so I had to leave at that point for the lobby but Cherie somehow stayed until the very end. I couldn't just leave her there though so I'm having her cremated so she can be back home where she belongs. I can't help but feel that when its all said & done all I have left are her ashes, her collar and the memories. Some people may think "it's just a dog" but when they become a part of the family it's a different story. She was one of my kids. I moved from Ohio and most people would have given their dog away rather than take them along but how can anyone do that?? That wasn't even an option. Shelby came with us as a member of the family that she was only to lose her. I'm just glad she had us to see her through. But now its hell just to be home. I get up this morning & she wasn't here to feed breakfast or take her outside or give her her morning treat. Her bed is empty with nothing on it but her bone. She isn't here to lay next to Cassidy on the floor while she's playing. I've never NOT had a dog in the house. I can't help but wonder if I let her down, is she in a better place? Does she hate me for this? Could I have done something more? Did she know what was happening and was she scared? Did I even make the right decision? Everyone says it was the most humane and selfless thing to do...I just can't let go of the guilt and wondering if I was wrong. Shelby, you had such a big impact on our lives. I wish you could have been here for Cassidy like you were to see the girls grow up. I love you Shelby and I will always miss you. Love, Mommy.

I'm finally back to the online world and to Fubar! I found an awesome house just across the bridge so it's back to just me, my daughter & grandbaby. The past few months have been disappointing at best but they're lessons learned. 'Nuff said. I just got internet hooked up yesterday and THANK GOODNESS NO MORE DIALUP BS!!! I hope to post updated pics soon and make some new friends! We're all unpacked & settled just in time to enjoy Christmas. It's a rough year this year but my grandbaby will have a PERFECT first Christmas!! I can't wait! Happy Holidays everyone!!

I'm all moved! OMG I never wanna do that again!! To move within the same city / town is one thing, but to relocate to a different state?? Anyway, thank goodness it's done. My family made the drive from IL to OH the Friday before Labor Day, we got the moving truck, got'er loaded, left about 8:30pm Saturday, made some stops along the way for a power nap, breakfast, etc.and got here about 9:30am Sunday. We're staying with my parents right now to give me time to get a job and get some bills paid off before I get my own place. I worry about invading everyone elses space plus I gotta have my own too, but its definitely a break I needed. Also, jobs here dont pay as well but the cost of living is considerably less too. I'll just feel alot better when I have a job so I know what I'm gonna be up against. Even though I grew up here, I've been away for 20 yrs, so it's gonna be alot of culture shock though between weather, overall atmosphere, etc. I'm tryin to track down old high school friends I sure hope I can find a couple of'em. My daughter and granddaughter are doing MUCH better now that they're here. They're both sleeping much better, they're eating & the baby is finally putting on weight & she isn't having nightmares anymore. omg That just broke my heart. We had planned on coming out here anyway, it just had to be expedited,as in drop everything & get the hell out of Ohio NOW because of my daughters psycho ex b/f. I really can't say much more until the whole situation is done & over with but I'm sure y'all can get the idea. Anyway, there's my update for now...I'm on dialup since we're out in the boonies, but that's better than nothing! (I think! LOL) Thanks for being so patient with me through all of this! I love ya's!!! And its been awesome being back. I have my reasons for staying away for so long but at the same time I've missed so much! Last weekend I saw truck pulls going on & decided on a whim to stop & check it out...They were too much fun!! Little things like that, now I just need someone to share them with or as my kids say "get a life". LOL.

It took me a while, but I'm all relocated to IL from Ohio. I'd forgotten what I'd been missing! I went to the tractor pulls this weekend and had a blast! Anyway I'm back online although its DIALUP! BLECK!! But I live in a rural area and that's all there is here for internet - better than nothing at all! Now its time to look for a job and hopefully that won't be too difficult. I'm definitely way more relaxed now. This move needed to happen in a big way. I'm glad to be back though and I've missed everyone!

This month has been insane!! I've made 2 trips to IL this month. After the first, we decided to move back after living in Ohio almost 20 yrs. My daughter wants to be around her family (as do I) plus she wants the baby to grow up with family around, in a small town environment. Then my daughters' ex went psycho, he got physical with my daughter more than once and I THINK he got mad with the baby, there were no marks on her so I can't say for sure what happened, but babies don't cry tears like that unless they've been physically hurt - I only know that something did happen so we're leaving before he can take off with the baby or hurt my daughter or the baby again. We've also found out some other things about his "extra curricular activities" - I won't go into details until we go to court for the permanent protective order, but none of it is good and he will NOT expose my daughter or grandbaby to his bullshit. Needless to say her and my grandbaby's safety are in jeopardy so last week I had to drop everything and get them back to IL where they couldn't be found. They're there with family safe & sound, I just got back last night. We have a temporary protective order, we're just waiting for the sheriff to serve it on him, then this weekend some of my family's gonna drive to Ohio to help me move. Then we go to court for the permanent order and I HOPE they come so I can air out all their dirty laundry in front of the judge. And they won't see my daughter or grandbaby because of the circumstances which will REALLY piss him off, but the court doesn't want them coming in and being jeopardized any further so I'm going. One more 9 hr drive with our belongings and it'll be done. I soo can't wait. I hate being here by myself, wondering if that bastard is gonna come knocking when he sees I'm back & getting all these other things done before I leave. We're gonna stay with my mom until I get us on our feet again. I love my family but I hope it won't take long because I have to have my own space with my own belongings. Regardless, it's a much better place, no more big city anything to deal with. My daughter is more relaxed there and even the baby is alot happier, she's eating better, sleeping much better at night, not fussy during the day or nervous. It's definitely best for all 3 of us. Keep us in your thoughts that my family stays safe and I get back there this weekend in one piece & with no problems from them over the next few days. Hopefully it won't take long to get internet service hooked up out in the boonies LOL but I'll be back online before ya know it! {{{Hugs to all my friends}}}

So just when I didn't think things could get worse, I'm out of a job. All my rainy day funds are gone using them on unpaid FMLA leave, I'm fighting just to get unemployment, I'm trying to get other kinds of assistance but I'm running into brick walls at every turn, so I have no income coming in right now, I'm trying to see if I have a wrongful termination lawsuit over FMLA but of course that's gonna take time, and the job hunt is going REAL SLOW. I probably submitted over 100 resumes & applications JUST YESTERDAY! I'm going to a job fair this afternoon & I have an interview tomorrow so PLEASE say a prayer to the big guy upstairs! I'm really getting discouraged, I'm worried sick, I have my daughter and grandbaby I have to take care of and I need something to happen FAST! If anyone locally has any suggestions, ideas, or leads, please shoot me a message! I've worked in customer service, worked in incoming call centers for 18 yrs & been a supervisor for 10 years. I'm pretty fluent with computers in general, Microsoft Outlook, Word, Excel, Powerpoint, I know Lotus Notes, call center programs like CMS / IEX and Witness as well as Kronos. I figure I might as well see if networking on Fubar can get me anywhere! Hey, it can't hurt right?? LOL!

Things have been kinda difficult lately. I've had alot on my mind and alot going on plus someone just burned me pretty badly recently which messed me up in a big way. My emotions are still too raw to really get into details without falling apart but maybe another time. Instead of reaching out I tend to shut down when my level of upset goes off the richter scale but now I feel bad because I haven't been very consistent or a very good friend as far as acknowledging comments or returning the love. It just kinda goes with the territory but I feel bad nonetheless. I just want my friends & family to know I'm still here. For those who are concerned, I'll be fine and I do appreciate the people who care and the caring sentiments. I'll get back in the swing of things eventually. I just have to go thru the motions on my own terms - nobody elses. All I can ask is that everyone bear with me. I'll be back to my old self eventually then you won't be able to shut me up. :) {{{Hugs to all}}}

I'm trying to figure something out...for those who have "bought" someone from a Fubar auction, what kinds of "slave duties" do you come up with?