I haven't been here alot lately other than the occasional stop in to say hi to a few people. Things have been pretty crazy. For a minute life was looking up when an old b/f I dated 25 yrs ago from high school tracked me down after trying off and on to find me that entire time! He was always the "one who got away" and it was nothing short of a fairy tale or something from a Lifetime movie. I've been on cloud 9!! I couldn't begin to explain how happy I've been!
A also couldn't help but think nothing in my life stays great for long, there's another shoe to drop somewhere. It just wasn't the one I expected.
Alot of my friends know I had and beat kidney cancer several years ago. I also had a scare 2 yrs ago with pancreatic cancer. Luckily it was a fluid filled cyst 1mmx2mm. I was told they needed to watch it because it could easily turn on me into pancreatic cancer & even if it doesn't I was looking at a whipple procedure to make sure it doesn't. A whipple is a major surgery that removes the pancreas, part of the stomach, part of the small intestines & gall bladder. Then they piece it all back together. You're in the hospital for 2 wks & recovery time is "months". As the surgeon said, "when it comes to surgery it's the grandaddy of them all".
2 wks ago I had a CAT scan done. I had a bad feeling something was gonna come out because the abdominal pain won't let up for nothing and in the past 18 months I've lost about 80 lbs without trying. That's impossible for me. The dr called me on his day off - I knew that was bad. The cyst didn't return but a mass has returned in its place and its bad. It's 1" in diameter - way bigger than the previous cyst. There may be a cyst inside the mass but the mass itself is truly a mass and its in the head of the pancreas which is in the absolute worst place of the pancreas. (Think of Patrick Swayze).
So now I have an appt at Barnes Hospital in St. Louis on 3/23 to meet with a cancer surgeon. That's about 2 hrs from here. The drs here aren't capable of handling something this big and this surgeon is supposedly the best one there. They may want to do an endoscopic ultrasound but either way I'm probably going to have a Whipple then possibly chemo and radiation. (Just google Whipple Procedure) Yes I'm scared to death, especially with my respiratory problems and Factor V (blood clotting) which I have to take blood thinners for indefinitely or I get blood clots in the leg and pulmonary emobolisms that go thru the heart & lung. Yesterday they gave me Ativan to try & calm me down but I bust out bawling with no warning and yesterday I got honked & yelled at, not realizing I was driving down the wrong way of a one way street. Nice job.
Plus the timing couldn't be any worse when I'm out of a job, my unemployment will run out soon & I don't know if I'll get approved for medicaid. Who the hell is gonna hire me for any kind of job now??? I don't know how I'm going to keep a roof over our heads or anything else. Prior to the surgery I have to replace my blood thinner pills with Lovenox injections 2 wks prior & for as long as I'm on bedrest - those shots are $1500 for a 1 day supply (2 injections). Unreal huh.
I thought my kidney cancer was bad enough, I lost a kidney over that and I thought I'd beat it for good but this is a new beast altogether. And I'm running through all the emotions too. I'm so scared, I want to know why, I have too much left to do, I have a grandbaby I want to see grow up, I have a man in my life that I want to spend many more years with, i want to see my daughters accomplish their dreams. I dont want to get cheated out of all that. I've never been a religous person, maybe that's why.
I'm not even sure I should post this in a blog here but I have to get it out and I don' want to keep my friends in the dark. I may make this & my myspace my official journals for the purpose of venting & keeping friends updated. It helps me too so I don't have to send the same email over and over.
For now I just need alot of emotional support and a prayer or too. I'll just have to take it as it comes and hope my appt on the 23rd has a rainbow somewhere instead of another train.
Love you all,
Chris
