Well, yesterday was somewhat interesting... I'm not going into all the details, cuz, well thats between me and andrew... but we almost broke up... cuz, well, I'm cool like that. I just, don't know sometimes... about me... ya know? I've never done well in relationships. I will get comfortable, and happy... then find some way to push them away. I've always done it... ALWAYS... it's not intentional... I can see myself doing it, and I can try to talk myself out of it, but sometimes, i can't.... its weird... we kinda talked it all out... i think he understands where i'm coming from... and my fears. I trully love this guy. I know its gonna kinda be rough, but I really want this to work. I want him in my life... and I don't want to lose him, or hurt him... or push him away... I dunno... it's hard to explain...
this is what i copied from the NIMH... about BPD
While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day. These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. Distortions in cognition and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values. Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy. They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are. Such symptoms are most acute when people with BPD feel isolated and lacking in social support, and may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone.
People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.
People with BPD exhibit other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending, binge eating and risky sex. BPD often occurs together with other psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and other personality disorders.
Insane shit huh?? Its scary how reading that you think, wow you sound crazy. Its weird cuz you can see yourself doing these things... you can see your actions fitting this, and you try to stop it... you can't always... it's insane... i dunno...
anyways... i've got a lot of stuff i'm supposed to be doing... so i'm gonna hop on it...
