Hi ya’ll! It’s me, Britney Spears!
As ya’ll should know, I dumped my douchey husband this week and traded him in for a new career and a skinnier, sluttier body. Did you see me on Letterman? I looked as hawt as three pack of Beefy Chews from 7/11. Now that Kevin’s out of my life I’m gonna be maken some better decisions about where my careers is going and try to pick a better man to be the step-father of my daddy’s babies.
But then again, do I really need my babies? Do you, the people of the world, think that my rugrats are just getting in the way of what you want – which is me dry humping a snake live on stage in a skimpy school girl uniform (remember those days!)? Ever since these two cheeto munchers popped out of my baby hole, my careers a been plummeting faster than my milk duds. I thought that having a couple babies would make me more mature and well-liked just like Anna Nicole Smith, Angelina Jolly and Madonna. But this baby caring stuff is real work! Sure I have nannies and maids, but damn if it isn’t tiring telling them how to care for my baby! Perhaps I can just do the reverse of what everybody else is doing these days. Maybe I’ll just fly to Afrika and give my babies away to a Namibian Orphanage – WAIT NO! – I’ll give my babies to that poor black dude that Madonna stole her baby from. I bet he’s fixin’ for a child. Did you see how sad he was?Gosh I just love writing you people, I think of the best ideas when I’m talking to my Liquid Generation peeps.
Now onto the subject of that sex tape that’s been floating around the internets. It’s fake, people. You think I’m that good? Well, I am but that’s beside the point. When my sex tape video hits the internets, ya’ll are gonna know. And you know how you’re gonna know? I’m gonna tell you. Better to put it out there yourself than by some sweaty asscrack of an ex-husband.
So here’s my pre-Thanksgiving Day present to ya’ll Liquid Generation fans out there:
The Britney Spears Sex Tape!
Watch it while ya got it! And don’t let your loved one find out you’ve been watching it. They might bite your balls off. Just sayin’. I once caught Kevin beatin’ to a Fergie video. That chick is nasty. London Bridges Falling Down? More like her boobs. They look like panini pressed flapjacks up close! I swear! Take a look for yourself.
Love Ya’ll
Britney Spears
