Today (28 June), I had my recertification interview for my Top Secret security clearance. Now, this is a five year review, so I had already been through the whole process. I had thought that they were only going to talk about the last five years. Oh, boy! Was I wrong!
Okay, those with weak hearts should not read any further. Kids, leave the room. Are you ready?! When I was in college...look both ways to check for people ease-dropping...I purchased alcohol for a minor in a bar....AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Okay, she was 19 and I was 22.
I was in graduate school at the University of Cincinnati and was working four jobs to get by. One was as a bouncer, yeah that was a cool job...I digress. Anyway, after an intense night...I think that the band was Scepulatura or Burning Spear or something...anyway, we all went out to the bars. Being a grunting male, young, dumb, and .....well, you know. I was as typical as you can get at 244 and enjoying my youth. So, after I had thrown back a couple of pitchers, this very fine looking woman approaches the Reckster...yes, I was actually known as that...and asks in that way only a woman can ask, if I would buy her a beer. Honey, is the friggin' pope shitting in the woods? Okay, I was pretty drunk, so the trite little sayings got mixed up. So, I bought the fine, young lady a pitcher, brought it to her, and promptly threw my compadres a Joey look...Yeah, I am in! Well, as I sashay over to her table an older asian gentlemen approaches me and says he needs to talk to me in the back. Okay, for those in attendence here, I need to let you know that back then, I was NOT the enlightened person that I am today. My first thought, albeit foggy, was that this little man is hitting on me. Mongo no likie that...so, I promptly told him something to the order that I would gladly toss him like a dwarf through the window if he didn't go fuck straight off NOW. That was when the gold detective's badge came out. Ah snap. Be-actch set me up! So, being busted mightly, I conformed to the summons. Now, when I sobered up, I went and got a court appointed lawyer and steeled myself to doing hard time with Bubba the horse rapist.
You know, it never rains, it pours. I got into an accident on the way to court. Nothing serious, but at the time, my insurance was through the company Aint' Got None. I looked at the guy, said dude, I am enroute to jail most likely. Never before have I seen someone give me such a look of pity.
Long story short, I came into the court and found myself following a murder, felony drug bust, spousal abuse, and a hit and run manslaughter. The judge actually laughed when the bailiff read my case. He looked at me with pity....two in one day...and said, "Son, how much money do you have?" My meager savings at that time amounted to $100.12. He charged me a $3 fine, $32 court cost, and it cost me $6 to keep my car in a lot for the hearing.
However, this event plaques me today as if I had sold secrets. The special agent questioned my ad naseum about it. I told her, "lady, we have had a president get a BJ, admit to smoking dope...but not inhaling, and a president who is a self-admitted alcoholic (once an alchie always an alchie. Me dad was one, I know), snort coke, and drive drunk. You all want to take away my clearance for something that happened nearly 20 years ago, go right ahead. I really couldn't give a damn.
She said that could it be possible that someone could use this against me to blackmail me. She also pointed out that I hadn't really told anyone according to my own admission. So, I told her in that case, I would post it on the web. I don't think that she believed me. So, here it is in all its glory.
Kim, this may be the most embarrassing incident in my life.
Goes to show you we all make mistakes. By the way, the girl's name was Holly and I never saw her again.
All right meine guten Damen und Herrn. I hope that you soar upon the wings of eagles above the fray of daily annoyances and as always may your contact with stupidity be limited!
