If you've perused enough of this blog, you will know that I am pretty much a person without secrets. I don't hold back very much. I figure that the more people know about me, the more informed a decision they can make as to whether or not to associate with me.
And...associating with me can be a real chore.
The turns my life has taken and the situation that I've found myself in make socialization a difficult thing to say the least. It has taken most of my time and energy. It has changed the person that I am inside. Hardened me. Made me stronger.
And weaker at the same time.
For the most part, I keep to myself. When I get a free moment from the chaos of my daily routine, I hide in my room, bathed in candlelight. I meditate, I write, I lie in intensely steaming hot bubble baths reading and trying to wash away the dirt that seems to cling stubbornly to my soul, I fiddle around on the computer...whiling away the hours until it all begins all over again.
Since Peacey's been here, having a friend around has helped a bit with this self-imposed exclusion. But, even he will tell you that I crave aloneness. It is necessary to my sanity; my survival. And, to this end, I am constantly kicking him out of my bedroom...or ignoring him completely as I try to find my center.
This is no reflection on him. He is a wonderful friend. This just IS.
And now, Dio is coming back for another visit...Thanksgiving weekend.
I force myself to socialize. I consciously make the choice to force others upon myself. In this way, I've let a few people get close to me. I mean, without secrets, a lot of people know all sorts of stuff about me...random facts...and this gives them the feeling that they ARE close to me. But they're not. I haven't let them be.
I have, in many ways, forgotten how to interact with people. I am either too quiet or too loud. I am blunt or I am silent. I am only ever completely comfortable being myself with the family that I spend all of my time with. And, even then, there are so many parts of me that they are not allowed to see.
It's rare that I find someone with whom I want to share those parts. It's rare that I find someone who might truly be up to the challenge of ME.
I wonder sometimes if it's a challenge that anyone could EVER be up to.
Because, while I crave this aloneness, I also crave connection. I wish I had the words to explain this...this need to feel as one...as if we are alone - together. I find peace in this silence; this being alone. But, oddly, it's a peace that I want to share. I want to feel this...while in another's arms.
I think it's possible. I almost felt it once in recent memory. For just the shortest second.
And then it was gone.
For now.
I hope it comes back soon.
