Just a little over 2 years ago. I was fortunate enough to meet a man online who would come to mean more to me than I ever imagined. Through small conversations and chat room visiting, we became great friends. I cherished His thoughts and ideas, His insane way of talking in circles, and most of all.. His "grinz". He left the country for work, and we chatted daily for hours. Talking about anything and everything. Each day we became that much closer, until realization set in, I had fallen in love with Him.
I remember the day I told Him, He didn't say it back. I could hear the smile in His voice when He told me to " be happy with the fact that I could love Him". I recall thinking "what the hell?". I see now. All too clearly do I see now. I remember His having to rush home to the states a little early for a family emergency, and how I was so worried for Him. The joy I felt when He contacted me after an absence from my daily life.
I look back and recall each moment of life that we were given to share, every phone call, every chat, every text. We fought like cats and dogs, and loved like there was no other. Because there isn't. No one will ever have my heart the way this man does. No one will ever know me the way He has come to know me. Because through my ups, and downs, through my neurotic crazy ideas, and my insane way of loving. He has sat back and smiled.
Oh, we have fought, don't think it's all been rainbows and roses. Far from it. We have both shed tears, Thanksgiving 2006, we sat up on the phone all night crying over how it could never work. I will never forget the pain in His voice, or the tears i fought back the remainder of the day.... and days after. I remember the first time He ever told me He loved me.. I remember how it made my heart swell, and my eyes water.
Our real time together was just as intense. Thinking back on how He smiled at the sight of me. How i couldn't seem to get close enough to Him, to the point I could have crawled into His skin and it wouldn't have been close enough still. I still feel His hands on my face at times, and His lips upon mine. I ache for His touch late at night, and dream of Him looking down into my eyes and telling me that He was in love with me. I am happy for those moments, because they are the now. I am happy for each and every moment, because it was ours. I ache for Him every second of my day, every day that I breathe. I am happy for that ache.
Even though there are days that I don't seem quite myself, and I become cynical and questioning as to what our future holds. One thing holds true my love, I have always and will continue to listen to Your gentle words of guidance and teaching, for as long as You say them to me. I will hold on to each loving memory for as long as You give me memories to hold. And I will love You until my last breath, as long as You continue to make my breath shake with Your touch. One thing will remain true. No matter where You go or what You do, I will always be Your girl, and You will always be able to say, that You were truly and completely loved.
