LadyLilac's blog: "Adult Jokes"

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father." The little boy replied "My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way" The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a housedress, lawn mower in one hand, and dish-towel in the other. It was the time for fixing things. A curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep. It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, eating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there'd always be more. But then my mother died, and on that clear summer's night, in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any more. Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away...never to return. So... While we have it... it's best we love it... And care for it.... And fix it when it's broken..... And heal it when it's sick. This is true... For marriage.... And old cars.... And children with bad report cards..... Dogs and cats with bad hips.... And aging parents.... And grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it. Some things we keep. Like a best friend that moved away or a classmate we grew up with. There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special.... And so, we keep them close! I received this from someone who thinks I am a 'keeper', so I've sent it to the people I think of in the same way... Now it's your turn to send this to those people that are 'keepers' in your life. Send it back to the person that sent it to you if they too are a keeper. Good friends are like stars.... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!' His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?' She replied with a snicker, 'It's not talcum powder......it's' Miracle Grow'

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father." The little boy replied "My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way" The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

When things go wrong,as they sometimes will, When the road you are truding seems all uphill, When the funds are low and the debts are high And you want to smile but you have to sigh, When care is pressing you down a bit, Rest! if you must-but never quit. Life is queer with it's twist and turns, As everyone of us sometimes learn, And many a failure turns about When he might have won if he'd stuck it out; Stick to your task,though your pace seems slow- You may succed with just one more blow. Success is failure turned inside out- The silver tints of the clouds of doubt- And you never can tell how close you are, It may be near when it seems afar; So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit- It's when things seem worst,that you must'nt quit.

Why Parents Drink Body: The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? ' 'Is your daddy home?' he asked. ' Yes ,' whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?' The child whispered, ' No .' Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' 'Yes.' 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No .' Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' ' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman '. Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' ' No, he's busy ', whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?' ' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,' came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

A minister decided to do something different one Sunday morning. He said "Today in church,I'm going to say a single word and you and you are going to help me preach .Whatever single word I say,I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind. The pastor shouted out "cross". Immediately, the congregation started singing in unison,"The Old Rugged Cross. The pastor hollered out "Grace".The congregation begin to sing "Amazing Grace,how sweet the sound." The pastor said"Power." The congregation sang,"TheresPower In The Blood." The pastor said, "Sex". The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in total shock.They all nervously began to look around at each other,afraid to say anything.Then ,all of a sudden,way in the back of the chuch,a little ole 87 year old granmother stood up and begin to sing, "Precious Memories"

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.' THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!' 'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?' 'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER. HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH. A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?' 'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'

A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"