Ladygem's blog: "About me"

Cougar tears

Went out last night with every intention to just be a single female out. If the bar scene is all some people know, I am very sad...

Take my advice, besides the usual do not drink and drive... Please Please if you receive bad news do not go to a bar. 
This is why. Do as I say not as I do.

So on a whim I go out. I just wanted a drink at a local bar. At my age you realize that at some point part of you goes cyborg. Yes "cyborg" you know like in the terminator. A cyborg looks at someone and all the 411 pops up on said person like ticker tape across to type the person black white, gay straight, boy girl monkey squirrrel, etc. In my case it is "white female, 6ft tall blond Young man walks up. I don't type him, but the bastard types me. Being in that bar I am a "cougar"...My God in hia mind I am one of those things to try once. This is how he sees me.  "older woman...experienced".  I am sitting there me. He has what he wants and if I bought into the illision of what he believes I would only a stem from a cherry now....A novelty... They are hungry and I find myself to be a something to try once... why did I thank him for taking care of me.
So I let a 22 year old into my space (no pun intended), he buys me a drink and assumes that I am there for that older woman experience. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. do I bother.

I am an old woman.  call me mujer or a bruja or a curandero. I have
If you are raising your sons on Desperate Housewife's or gossip girl,you need to know something, they are brainwashing your children. I am not something to try.
Maybe this was my April fool's day.

What if each person Who looks at us Even just sees an image we chose to capture in space and time in a photograph. Maintains our existence... Then add another Who reads our name Much less takes time to think Or speak aloud a sentiment about us Keeps us walking around And it was that person or those people Who brought about a dramatic shift From feeling hopelessness to inexplicable hope When we say I choose not to give up. I may not know why, but I will keep trying. Was it you? Have you ever thought that Perhaps this is what is meant by the power of prayer Or the strength spoken of in two or more gathered together in my name... Lately I feel alone And sense I am not Even if it takes an hour of tears And an hour of silence to get through to me... We allow others to bring us down But this means We can choose others to hold us up in their place. Three years ago I smashed an urn Containing ashes of who I thought one man in my life was Three years ago a man posing as a true love in my life Handed me an urn of ashes The man he stopped being a year before to me. Leaving me completely speechless... Until I decided "this is not mine" And I remove the urn from the mantle Throw the glass container hard into the fireplace Smashing it into pieces. Wincing because I had not taken it outside to destroy. Today I find myself pulling out slivers of glass from that day of rage However the presense of others out there somewhere now Allows the process of removal to hurt less Because I have hope That eventually the duration of time I refer to as my bad days will stop.

One person holds a word to sustain the weary Another releases words that waste away But the power of either Is dependent upon the power you hold for yourself to blame or be blamed An outworn dichotomy. A framework which once gave access to the world During the old time Separates in the new... You are the Unity that rises above Such divisions of hate and fear Draw a circle and step outside of it. And when you do this it is unconditional love Opening the I to arrive at the we Power we give words we can also choose to take away. Like a net you can choose to lift your part The more of us We may hold each other up in thought So that each of us will receive the chance to rest... She met one of the Beings of Light today; Who slips onto her hand gently a bracelet he made that sounds like windchimes with her every move... And explains the purpose of this gift. "I do this for you so that every movement you make you will see as I do Beautiful Whether the motions awkward or injured A fall or a bold stride" And she takes his hand together She unwinds her limp with a dance. Like water to one who has never walked in her lifetime. You ask to meet a Being such as this Be still in yourself He is in you...

Sometimes I wish to go back as the woman I am now And revisit a younger self. A memory surfaces sometimes how someone older Did this very thing for someone younger than they were Years ago I learned how to not cry Or at best By reflex I hid my face If tears did fall. I hated the way my eyes looked And swollen mouth. A 15 year old very awkward Unpopular me Sat with Monica the student body president. The cheerleader of all people was my friend. She claimed she wanted someone who didn't care about all that. After all these years I believe her. So we sat in the parking lot at the mall In her 65 mustang. The shopping mall Where girlfriends went to gossip Or in our case confess secrets. One brought tears for me And a barricade of my hands And hair Obscured my face She took my hands down And held my face up by the chin To say "I always wanted lips like yours" She did not say "You're ugly" Or "You have no reason to cry" She just told me I was beautiful as if commenting on the weather And drove me home stunned. I never saw my face the same way After that day. What a few words can do To heal someone... Why do others choose to Use words to do so much harm. When it takes so few to be co-creative Building each other up.

Sugar and spice everything nice... P'leeze What I Search for And Discard in My Search for a Man 1. I do not want to be your better half. I want to be a whole person who complements you. 2. I am not your mother-- I did NOT carry you in my womb for nine months. 3, A romantic dinner needs to be more than a frozen pizza and 6 pack of ice house beer 4. re 3 date bringing items over and flopping on couch for me to nuke it is no longer an option. 5. if I share my fears with you it was to draw us closer, not a means to later attack me 6. macho comes from machismo which means he who steals candy from babies--- what a real man yeah right. 7. I can no longer regret what someone could have been but chose not to be as in "If only I had waited he would have been right" 8. Your history of poverty and abuse gives you no right to teach me lessons or show me "I'll give you a real reason to cry". 9. I will deny no more that something you like hurts me to spare your feelings. 10. Just let the sentence slip by that includes "if you loved me" and sex,

My Bad Days and Good Days I decided to write some words for my Friends who put up with my bad and good days. I call you sisters brothers, sweet companions. When some friendships for now are expressed only in writing, so much is left out of the other ways we communicate. Some days I have to rest. I work in bursts of energy before they burn out. When the burned out time comes, if I can't get to the keyboard I cannot reach you. How I wish we were telepathic, like these words I would put as much into my thoughts as I could so you would know why and most importantly my silence isn't you. In response to my silence how would you know other than to assume I don't want to speak. That is how most of the world operates and we know all too well where we are not wanted. But I am in the world, not of it. I've felt a silent anger of those who fear they are forgotten And I cry angry tears at me too I fight the rest that would restore, working with an uncooperative body. Sometimes. When I do not write or I am silent It is those days perhaps you are most on my mind. Perhaps patience is too much to ask of you.. Before you decide on me too harshly be aware That I impose judgement on myself More than an angry mob. But feeling bad brings me not to a better place but worse And I grow fainter. More days and hours pass. ------------------------------------------- But I cannot tell you when these times occur because thought forms refuse to form words. And what words do form are in pieces that cannot find meaning. Know that this state is temporary and when it passes there is love. And all the while I never ever forget you. I am just lost for awhile.

Internal Bleeding. The mirror of projection Laid over me Of all things taught is Passed on like an inheritance to every man I once let in my life And then said "No more". Each time I took the impact of the one who swung the mirror at me. It cracked more and more Until it lay in pieces as if from a violent storm Only difference is tornados or hurricanes are indifferent. Not human Finally knowing the difference I said rebuked all of them Sending them to hell... Or so I thought I did... What if I didn't And even though I am alone there is one left. Me. When a mirror is broken Each piece reflects what it did in it's entirity. So painful splinters work their way out of me Anyone who touches or comes near me risks being cut By what pierced me going in And again as they come out. What if they never all come out of me... I now come with a warning You should not touch me, hold me much less come within a certain radius. I draw myself like a wraith into a parameter. Maybe if I find another frame I think. Becoming still life. to lay myself down beside still water. Now no one who comes near me can Risk being cut by the very thing that hurt me. Can I at least have this one security. Please God don't make me come down From this landscape of peace Peace at last. But I know this peace Is only quiet chaos. It is not a life at all. What can I do... It healing possible or a cure. Or at best in remission... I ask myself this But as Einstein said "You cannot solve the problem Using the same mind that created it". Is it possible to reach a higher mind. Or state of awareness. I hope since I know the question It comes with an answer I just cannot see it now.

A cold interrogation room Is not intended for sharing of the heart Although we reveal as much by written and spoken language. I wonder long what must have happened to you I know now why But am even more confused. Is what you know of me to you only information gathered. This much you may say you love But when all I hear is silence No affirmation or recognition Just receipts-- that you got it. How do I know you love me. And so how can I return love If I do not even know if it is there Or if I am told where Then why. Where thoughts go energy flows... How can I give love to you If I only know I am in a room Under observation by you, Is safety worth it. One day in panoramic vision You will know The day we find out Who are true family, friends And true loves are. When you receive your panoramic vision Will you be able to say then "I was a good brother"... Your friends will not know you love them Unless you not only tell them But express appreciation why. I hope to say I was a good sister as well as friend Even if I never take another lover again. I once dwelled in the land of Silence as well Thinking nothing felt better than the pain But it was in time far more excruciating. I know this is not just a truth I learned for me But something to tell others of Including You. How I long to love you But in the land of silence Comes no sunshine No rain I cannot root here unless Unless you too choose another place. I will wait for you But I can only do so where living things thrive and grow.

Love's True Power It has been written the smallest amount of love Is greater than any amount of fear. Hate is fear. You are love And I exist to remind you how very brave you are... No matter what they told me Or did to harm me and inflict pain In ultimate reality Their actions were done to themselves For we are all part of each other And one day they will feel that pain. And no this will be not to avenge. Consider this, Does the light socket Punish the person who put their finger into it... Negativity even to the level of evil Only amounts to a shadow cast... by a living thing. One revelation of truth is equivalent to a thousand lies. No matter how many people abandoned me in my lifetime They were no match for just one individual who chose to stay No matter how many people prejudged me You understand The angry mob who carried hate like torches Invading my safety You give me the sanctuary of love.

Thia has been inspired by Zilch at Scarborough faire--- my b day is 420 hint hint-- and we could see the man there anyhoo. Be careful what you name your children... If you are considerin go outside and pretend you are calling them in, Do you hear anyone laughing. Are u laughing? Here are some exanmples thanks in part 2 zilch-- no give him the whole thing Eventually you will yell at your children, even the most patient ppl do it admit it And there you are... "Chase stop running". "Hurry up Patience get in that car now" The best one Zilch caught "Chastity do not put that in your nouth, Please for your kid'a sake watch out what you name them Help us help u w/ your children. Parents who trust us to mind the kids