MakeItToxic's blog: "a new chapter"

I think that the truth is a fluid thing, always changing and evolving. Or maybe that's just me lying to myself. I understand that there are some cold, hard facts that are never going to change. They're the truth and will always be the same. When it comes to emotions, feeling and all that other stuff that comes from relationships how can something you say today always be true? Does telling someone you love them today make it less true in a month or a year when you don't love them anymore?

I know I have loved people that I don't love anymore. When I told them I loved them though I meant it with every fiber in my soul but then things change as they inevitably do and I didn't love them anymore. They accuse me of lies and deceit when I never lied …the truth just changed.

Something happened and I don't love them anymore. I might still have a special place in my heart for them but I wouldn't jump in front of a bullet for them anymore. I wouldn't sacrifice my sanity for them again. All of that deep, mind bending love is gone and now I look like a liar and I can't get them to see that I DID love them…just not anymore.

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I think sometimes in my relationships I may have done some of the awful things I have done because I didn't want to have to deal with the "I just don't love you anymore" confrontation. I did things I know would hurt them but nothing hurts as bad as someone saying that they don't love you anymore. I did things that would make me seem like a bad person so they wouldn't feel so terrible when things ended.

People say they want the truth but I don't think it's true when it comes to matters of the heart. Who would want to hear that I stopped loving them around the time they stopped showering? Who would want to hear that I really couldn't stand to be around their stupidity one minute longer? Or that just being near them made me want to shoot myself because they were so gloomy and depressing all the time?

I didn't tell any of them that. I didn't tell them I didn't love them anymore either. I went and did things I knew would be deal breakers for them. It ended up with them hating me but I'm okay with that. They blame me and tell themselves everything was good until I did whatever it is that I did. They tell themselves it's my fault for lying or cheating or firing their mom but the truth is I just wanted them gone and I chose what I subconsciously thought would be the least painful for them.

I'm in no way trying to justify my actions. I was wrong for the cheating and the lying and I know that…I just think it was slightly better than telling some of these people the truth which was I don't love THEM anymore. Something about them changed and the thought of being with them for a moment longer made me sick.

So what do you think? Is honesty always the best policy? Should you tell someone that you just don't love them anymore or should you let them think you are horrible so that they feel better about themselves? Which do you think is crueler?