The following is my convention acceptance speech in this brutal, unrelenting, crucial presidential campaign. Behold the awesomeness of my maverickiness and gravitas.
Thank you, thank you all! It is so wonderful to see my fellow progressives, my fellow Americans, out in force in the spirit of unity and under the influence of questionable substances. Gracias, mi amigos! Your thunderous, rapturous, insane applause is not only deeply appreciated but will be looked upon as disturbingly over-the-top by future generations! I come before you a humble man, one of you - a populist touting little in the way of experience and qualifications for the highest office in the land. But I have much hope, fight and the courage to fight on your behalf for truth, justice and the Canadian – oh, umm – the American way. Modestly and boisterously, I proudly accept your misappropriated nomination for president of the United States of America. The greatest country ever in 300 years!
(Applause. Lots of applause. TV cameras point to audience members crying and screaming in ecstasy. Those same people could also be ON ecstasy. Who knows. I don’t judge.)
Thank you again. I am wholly qualified, experienced and prepared for this tremendous job in spite of accusations that I am an inarticulate, drunken slacker. How dare you call me slacker! I resemble that remark. However, I will not waste your time tonight in this vast setting on this special night. For I am aware you all are instead anxiously awaiting the start of your favorite post-local news telecast show. For some, it is Jay Leno. Others prefer David Letterman. Then there are the Jimmy Kimmel fans. And who doesn’t enjoy a late-night smackdown with Charlie Rose? And how can I nearly forget Jon Stewart, the only cable newsman who dares to question authority? All things considered, my campaign is – and my presidency would be – based upon very simple guiding principles: Restoration of dignity, proper strength, responsible leadership and fairness to our domestic and foreign agendas. I have long advocated a government for, of and by the people. A government that sees past blue, red, black, white, male, female, straight, gay, religious, secular, left, right, Libertarian, Green, intelligencia, the anti-eggheads, cat, dog, Yankees, Red Sox, Lakers, Celtics, the mooseburger-eating, bazooka-toting anti-environmentalists, the lab animal-liberating treehuggers, Brittney, Lindsay, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and all the petty things that create tragic, unnecessary division in our society.
This is a government for what is left of our tattered republic. I call for a rise to rebellion against the special interests and corporate fatcats who rule our political campaigns and power-making processes. I call for a rise to rebellion against apathy, ignorance and the politics of fear-mongering. Our party’s platform promotes peace through constant diplomacy, brave partnerships to defeat terrorism and deter the forces of instability, advanced arms at the ready, and a well-equipped, morally supported army that is put to proper use only when and where necessary.
We promote a return to an economic policy that is socially progressive and fiscally responsible. A tax code that is simpler, reduces burden for the middle and working classes, and ensures the wealthy pay their fair share. Corporate America: Say adios to your ridiculous loopholes and a welfare system that more costly than food stamps, Social Security or Medicare. But we also call for the long-established social welfare programs to get a new infusion of resource, innovation and encouragement from private commerce to improve themselves as a means of mere temporary resort, and not permanent a free ride, for the less fortunate. And comprehensive health care should not be a privilege.
We call for certain measures to ensure that the American marketplace remains viable, free and strong internally and externally, but also that marketplace develops incentive to raise competitive wages, more comprehensive health care, stabilizes inflation, offers more variety, works with unions, and desire for employers to stay in America rather than outsourcing. Why? Because we are each other’s brother’s keeper. Oooh, right-wing evangelicals! I just made a Christian reference, one of many to come, yo!
Environmentalism is unnecessary and expensive? Whatever! Again, I believe God – or the divine creator of your choice if you’re so inclined that way – meant for humans to be responsible, level-headed stewards over his/her good creation. As for green initiatives, well, let me ask you. Do you like pollution? Do you like dirty and potentially harmful air, soil and water?
Audience in unison: “Duh…no?”
Of course you don’t! So why don’t we not only clean up our only known home, but let’s preserve it for our children. Companies should be encouraged to create green technology that not only creates jobs but helps them (and us taxpayers) save money in the long run in penalties and controls. Wow. What a concept. Furthermore, let’s eliminate the inefficient, bloated, outdated, inadequate federal programs and particular expenditures of our overblown military-industrial complex – the one Republican President Eisenhower warned us about – and re-route them to hire more cops, firefighters, paramedics, teachers, social workers and all the individuals who are vital cogs to keeping our communities safe and healthy. Let’s work with business and civic groups to create new ways of ensuring our children not only stay in school, but prepare for a new global economy.
Audience in unison: “Woot, woot, raise the roof.”
This is a vision of a kind, just America. An America where compassion, perseverance, hard work, independence and fortitude are traits to be respected and interwoven. This America is different from, say, the teetering-on-the-brink-quasi-empire that Senator John McCain and Governor Sarah Palin call for. The nerve of these elitist, facist wannabes! They call for change while posing as populists? Puh-leeze! McCain and Palin are no more reformist outsider mavericks than George W. Bush figured himself as just a good ol’ boy. They are pawns of big oil, the NRA and of the far right-wing that wishes dominate our nation through fear, false charges, persecution and hypocrisy disguised as moral platitudes! They won’t change anything. It’s Bush’s third term orchestrated by Karl Rove and his evil henchmen.
And they’re outright liars. Palin calling herself an advocate for special-needs children when she herself has proposed a reduction in funds for special needs grants to schools in both her budgets in Alaska. How rich, hockey mom. McCain himself has voted against funding Head Start. While the incredibly myopic, flip-flopping GOP praises Palin’s teenage daughter’s decision to keep her unborn baby, the hockey mom has cut funds for a state program to support single teen moms. And while Palin says she opposed the infamous “bridge to nowhere” that her good indicted buddy Ted Stevens had supposed for Alaska, she actually backed it. Not only backed the bridge, but she was ready to add state funding for a mythical boondoggle that was already nearing a half-a-billion-dollar budget and becoming a national joke. When the bridge was killed, she still took the money. This isn’t exactly flattering:
http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2008/9/4/115448/2478/479/586348
Oh yeah, there’s that she’s already facing questions over her firing of the Alaska public safety commissioner, and the firing of a longtime local police chief. And Palin doesn’t care about the natural resources and special inhabitants that make Alaska unique. Such as polar bears, wolves and pristine, untouched wilderness of the final frontier. And that Palin’s past so-called executive experience – mayor of a SMALL town left in tatters and division after her reign, and governating for two years – don’t amount to jack shit. Foreign experience? Helloo, just because you’re close to Russia doesn’t mean you’re fit for a diplomatic license. I might was well be just as qualified because I live close to Mexico. Heck, I am of Spanish-American descent. Talk about foreign experience!
Audience rolls with applause smattered with catcalls and a few “no he didn’t!”
And can you really relate to a not-exactly-working-on-a-wage mom who’s really, honestly, not exactly what the male-centered American conservative evangelical political juggernaut had in mind? Someone who not too long ago was a TV sports anchorwoman and a beauty queen. Now she wants to be a heartbeat away from a Republican president in his early 70s? Especially when other conservatives are weary and even cynical of her nomination?
http://talkingpointsmemo.com/archives/212920.php
Sarah Palin is an extremist who merely wants to stoke the fires of cultural wars. If she wants to, bring it, I say! Make it rain! Boo-yeah, girlfriend! It’s on like Donkey Kong. Alas, Americans quickly will see the truth. She’s not right for America, particularly if she has links to a group that wants Alaska to secede from the union. Hence, she’s not really country first, either! She continually says Senator Obama wants to raise taxes when more than 38 million television viewers saw and heard otherwise last week. And how dare you insult community organizers, alleging that by proxy through Senator Obama’s experience, they offer nothing. Power to the people, I say, MIZZ Palin, but not for you and your sorry ass. Check with me when you return to reality.
Or, McSame, er, McLame, I mean, McBush. I’m not done with you yet. You got this thing about beauty queens. Married to one and having another as your running mate. Awkward! And you’re not exactly the image of dutiful husband who sticks by his lady’s side for better or for worse. Shall we ask your ex-wife? And shall we get straight your prisoner of war experience? And let’s ask some fellow veterans about that temper of yours or how you’ve definitely derailed your so-called straight talk express from 2000.
And your fellow Rethugs. Like the Georgia congressman who today called Mr. Obama “uppity.” Yes. Uppity. What’s that about? Don’t hate the playa, GOP! Hate the game. Hate, hate, hate, so much hate in your hearts. When I all I wish to do is hug you all and say “I love you. And so does God. Really.” Heck, when McCain is being outpolled by Obama amongst overseas U.S. troops by such a huge margin, the GOP can’t even muster REAL soldiers for its patriotic video montage at its convention this week. Fake soldiers hired? See? GOP is against hiring real soldiers. That whole outsourcing thing is a kick in the ass, eh?
But I digress. Ultimately, this campaign is about good vs. evil. And I shall lead you to the promised land as we sweep the limey Argentines from those godforsaken rocks in the South Atlantic...! Oh, ummm, sorry, my apologies! I don’t know how my acceptance speech got mixed up with Margaret Thatcher’s morale-boosting speech for the British in the Falklands war. Again, my sincere apologies. Well, go out and be good! Do America proud! And eat your vegetables! God bless you and God bless Greenland!
